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Location: The Circle City. Sometimes NE of Bagdad.
24,482 posts, read 26,021,800 times
Reputation: 59868
Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer.
Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.
Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls.
If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip: your life is in trouble.
Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.
The term "mulligan" is really a contraction of the phrase "maul it again."
A "gimme" can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers ... neither of whom can putt very well.
An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.
Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.
If your best shots are the practice swing and the "gimme putt", you might want to take up bowling.
Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.
Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won't work , and both are expensive.
The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.
It was entertainment night at the senior citizens center.
After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star ofthe show - Claude the Hypnotist!
Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
"Yes, each and every one of you, and all at the same time." said Claude.
The excited chatter from the audience dropped to a complete silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.
"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude.
He began to slowly swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting
"Watch the watch - Watch the watch - Watch the watch"
The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.
The lights twinkled as they were reflected from watch's gleaming surfaces.
A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.
They were hypnotized.
And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!
The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact.
"CRAP" said Claude.
It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens Center and Claude was never invited there again...
Location: The Circle City. Sometimes NE of Bagdad.
24,482 posts, read 26,021,800 times
Reputation: 59868
It Was a Dark and Stormy Night
Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe....as it happens, near Transylvania . They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.
Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"
"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in, and I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in.
An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely.. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.
After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.
He bursts in and shouts to his master:
"Master, Master!.....The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"
Long ago a trucker traveling along decides to pick up a hitch-hiker. A Native American man gets in, shuts the door and travels along with him. A few miles down, the man looks between him and the driver and sees a bottle of liquid. "What that?" the man asks, to which the trucker thinks "Oh no! I shoulda put that away first!
Um...it's whiskey."
Indian: "Mmmmm....what kind?"
Trucker: "Jack Daniels"
Indian: "That good...very good!" The trucker is now thinking what he can say do dissuade the man from asking him for a drink of it, so he continues, "Yes it is good. I actually got it for my wife."
The indian shakes his head approvingly, smiles and says "Good trade."
too good not to post on this new thread ........not sure if my wife would agree, though!
Location: The Circle City. Sometimes NE of Bagdad.
24,482 posts, read 26,021,800 times
Reputation: 59868
I found myself in a pub in Cork.
A group of American tourists came in. One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, "I hear you Irish think your great drinkers. I bet 5,000 euros that no-one here can drink 30 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes."
The bar was silent, the American noticed one Irishman leaving, no-one took up the bet.
40 minutes later the Irishman who left returned and said "Hey Yank, is your wee bet still on?"
"Sure" said the American, "30 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of 5,000 Euros."
"Grand, " replied the Irishman, "so pour the pints and start the clock."
It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare.
"OK Yank, pay up." said the Irishman..
"I'm happy to pay, here's your money" said the American.
"But tell me, when I first offered the wager I saw you leave. Where did you go?'
The Irishman replied, "Well sir, 5,000 Euros is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it."
Location: The Circle City. Sometimes NE of Bagdad.
24,482 posts, read 26,021,800 times
Reputation: 59868
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, 'I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!'
'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.
Are you ready for this?
Brace yourself! this is going to hurt !! !! !
'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'
............ ............ ..............
Oh for goodness sake... Laugh, or at least groan. Life's too short not to enjoy... Even these silly ....little cute............. And clean jokes!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sounds to me like she's ....... !
......been ....sweeping around!!!
Location: The Circle City. Sometimes NE of Bagdad.
24,482 posts, read 26,021,800 times
Reputation: 59868
Interview with 101 year-old of Hattie Mae MacDonald Feague, Kentucky:
Reporter: Can you give us some health tips for reaching the age of 101?
Hattie: For better digestion, I drink beer. In the case of appetite loss, I drink white wine. For low blood pressure, I drink red wine. In the case of high blood pressure, I drink scotch. And when I have a cold, I drink Schnapps.
Reporter: When do you drink water?
Hattie: I've never been that sick
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I don't think so.
........not sure if my wife would agree, though! 
