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1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed. 2. Set timer for 3minutes, in case you doze off in the middle. 3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!) 4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin. 5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember. 6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed. 7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act. 8. Make all the noise you want....the neighbors are deaf, too. 9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news! 10. Don't even think about trying it twice.
Location: The Circle City. Sometimes NE of Bagdad.
24,448 posts, read 25,984,086 times
Reputation: 59798
Four Retried Men Visit A Bar:
Four old retired men are walking down a street in Yuma,
Arizona. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old
Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents." They look at each other
and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the
room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it
be, gentlemen?" There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the
men order a martini. In no time the bartender serves up four
iced martinis shaken, not stirred and says, "That'll be 10
cents each, please." The four guys stare at the bartender
for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their
good luck.
They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order
another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced,
with the bartender again saying, "That?s 40 cents, please."
They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better
of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even
spent a dollar yet.
Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve
martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?" "I'm a retired
tailor from Phoenix," the bartender says, "and I always
wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for
$125 million dollars and decided to open this place. Every
drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer it's all the same."
"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says. As the four
of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing
seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any
drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the
whole time they've been there.
Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men
asks the Bartender, "What's with them?" The bartender says,
"They're retired people from Florida."
They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price,
plus they have coupons..."
The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset
about this, and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked:
"Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna
increaze. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."
Wife: "Oh yeah?"
Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Jor hozban did."
WIFE, INCREASINGLY AGITATED: "Oh he did, did he?"
Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the
bed."
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.
A group of 40 years old buddies discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner.
Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitresses there have low cut blouses and nice cleavage.
10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.
10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.
10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.
10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because that would be a great idea because they have never been there before.
Location: The Circle City. Sometimes NE of Bagdad.
24,448 posts, read 25,984,086 times
Reputation: 59798
THE OSTRICH !
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown
Ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for
Their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries
And a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's
Yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the
Order. "That will Be $9.40 please" The man
Reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact
Change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come
Again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries
And a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and
Pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again.
"The usual?" Asks the waitress. "No, this is
Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato
And a salad," says the man. "Same," says the
Ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order
And says, "That will be $32.62." Once again
The man pulls the exact change out of his pocket
And places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any
Longer. "Excuse me, Sir. How do you manage to
Always come up with the exact change in your
Pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was
Cleaning the attic and Found an old lamp. When
I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me
Two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had
To pay for anything, I would just put my hand
In my pocket and the right amount of money
Would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people
Would ask for a Million Dollars or something,
But you'll always be as rich as you want for as
Long as you live!"
"That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a
Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,"
Says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second
Wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long
Legs who agrees with everything I say.."
The teacher said: "Let's begin by reviewing some History. Who said: 'Give me liberty or give me death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up:
"Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.
"Very good! Who said: 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth'?"
Again, no response except from little Akio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
"Excellent!" said the teacher continuing.
"Let's try one a bit more difficult...
Who said: 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country'?"
Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said: "John F. Kennedy, 1961."
The teacher snapped at the class: "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves. Little Akio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "*bleep* the Japs."
"Who said that? I want to know right now !!" she demanded angrily.
Little Akio put his hand up: "General MacArthur, 1945."
At that point, a student in the back said: "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glares around and asks: "All right! Now who said that ?"
Again, little Akio says: "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells: "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher:
"Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said: "You little ****! If you say anything else, I'll kill you!"
Little Akio frantically yells at the top of his voice: "Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004."
The teacher fainted.
As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said: "Oh ****, we're screwed!"
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest male organ she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error... Not long enough."
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