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One day a civil engineer dies and arrives at the pearly gates. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he's not on the list and must go to Hell.
The engineer replies that he's spent his whole life building schools, roads, bridges..., and has never done anything wrong. How is it possible that he's not on the list to get into Heaven?
St Peter tells him that he doesn't know, but he's not on the list and can't be let in. So the engineer heads down to Hell and tries to make the best of it.
A few weeks later, God decides to go down and check up on the Devil. When he arrives in Hell, he sees new roads, new bridges, and all kinds of other new infrastructure. God immediately asks the Devil what's going on and the Devil tells him that it's all the work of the engineer that was sent down a few weeks ago.
God tells the Devil that he's never sent an engineer to Hell and if one is there now that it's some kind of mistake. God then orders the Devil to send him back to Heaven. The Devil refuses, so God tells him that if he doesn't send him back he will be sued immediately!
The Devil laughs and says... Oh yeah right... Where are YOU going to find a lawyer?!
I locked my keys in my car outside of an abortion clinic the other night. It turns out they get really pissed when you go in and ask them for a coat hanger.
Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should change dentists?
The local utility company had an opening for pole installers. Well, at the insistence of his Mother, Danny, who was a bit of a slow thinker, applied for the job. Danny and two other men were hired and they set out to install utility poles.
At the end of the first week, the three men showed up to collect their pay. The first young man, when asked how many poles he had installed, said "Seventeen". The second young man said he had installed Twenty-two poles. When it was Danny's turn, he proudly admitted that he had installed one pole. The boss turned red and said, "One pole? One pole? The other workers installed thirty-nine poles between them and you couldn't do any better than one pole?!?" Danny gave the boss a big smile and said, "But you didn't see how much they left sticking out!"
A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. 'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.
She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try something I have hear about from odda girls... I wanna try Numbaa 69.'
More thoughtful silence from him.
Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her...'You want........ garlic chicken wif snow peas?
While he was visiting, my father asked for the password to our Wi-Fi.
“It’s taped under the modem,” I told him.
After three failed attempts to log on, he asked, “Am I spelling this right?
T-A-P-E-D-U-N-D-E-R-T-H-E-M-O-D-E-M?”
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