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After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, a woman sitting next to him pulled out her mobile phone. She started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train". "Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting. No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!" Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly. When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, "Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed." Sue doesn't use her mobile phone in public any longer.
Four guys have been going on the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, John's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. John's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find John sitting at the bar with four drinks set up! "Wow John, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?" "Well, I've been here since last night. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?"
I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie. "She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she'd been reading ‘50 Shades of Grey’... and on the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did. And then she said, "Do whatever you want."
Dan Rather, Katie Couric, and an Israeli commando were captured by terrorists in Iraq.
The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.
Dan Rather said, “Well, I’m a Texan, so I’d like one last bowlful of hot spicy chili.”
The leader nodded to an underling, who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, “Now I can die content.”
Katie Couric said, “I’m a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what’s about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.”
The terror leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder, and Couric dictated some comments. She then said, “Now I can die happy.”
The leader turned and said, “And now, Mr. Israeli tough guy, what is your final wish?”
“Kick me in the ass,” said the Israeli.
“What?!?” asked the leader. “Will you mock us in your last hour?”
“No, I’m not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass,” insisted the Israeli.
So the leader shoved him into the open and kicked him hard in the ass.
The soldier went sprawling but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from under his flak jacket, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his carbine and sprayed the terrorists with gunfire. In a flash, all terrorists were either dead or fleeing for their lives.
As the soldier untied Rather and Couric, they asked him, “Why didn’t you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you first?”
“What?” replied the Israeli, “and have you two report that I was the aggressor?!”
Lyle was hunting geese up in the Minnesota woods. He leaned the old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak.
As luck would have it, his foolish dog Ginger knocked the gun over, it went off and Lyle took most of an ounce of #4 in the groin.
Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to and there was his doctor, Sven. "Vell Lyle , I got
some good news and some bad news. Da good news is dat you are going to be OK. Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was very little internal damage, and I vas able to remove all of da buckshot.
"What's the bad news?", asks Lyle.
"The bad news is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena ."
"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Lyle . "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in da Minnesota Symphony Orchestra. And because all you have is Obamacare, she's going to teach you vere to put your fingers, so you don't p*** in your eye.
Q: How many Libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. The invisible hand of the market will take care of it. What are you, a socialist?
How many politicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? one. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around
(I hesitate to post because the last thing I want is for this thread to deteriorate into political crap)
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