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A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied,... 'Arthritis.'
10) Only in America ...could politicians talk about the greed of the rich at
a $35,000.00 a plate campaign fund-raising event.
9) Only in America ...could people claim that the government still
discriminates against black Americans when they have a black President, a
black Attorney General, and roughly 18% of the federal workforce is black
while only 12% of the population is black.
8) Only in America ...could they have had the two people most responsible
for our tax code, Timothy Geithner (the head of the Treasury Department) and
Charles Rangel (who once ran the Ways and Means Committee), BOTH turn out to
be tax cheats who are in favor of higher taxes.
7) Only in America ...can they have terrorists kill people in the name of
Allah and have the media primarily react by fretting that Muslims might be
harmed by the backlash.
6) Only in America ...would they make people who want to legally become
American citizens wait for years in their home countries and pay tens of
thousands of dollars for the privilege, while they discuss letting anyone
who sneaks into the country illegally just 'magically' become American
citizens.
5) Only in America ...could the people who believe in balancing the budget
and sticking by the country's Constitution be thought of as "extremists."
4) Only in America ...could you need to present a driver's license to cash a
check or buy alcohol, but not to vote.
3) Only in America ...could people demand the government investigate whether
oil companies are gouging the public because the price of gas went up when
the return on equity invested in a major U.S. oil company (Marathon Oil) is
less than half of a company making tennis shoes (Nike).
2) Only in America ...could the government collect more tax dollars from the
people than any nation in recorded history, still spend a Trillion dollars
more than it has per year - for total spending of $7-Million PER MINUTE, and
complain that it doesn't have nearly enough money.
1) Only in America ...could the rich people - who pay 86% of all income
taxes - be accused of not paying their "fair share" by people who don't pay
any income taxes at all
How Women Can Live in a Loving Relationship with Husbands
A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husband.
The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?" All the women raised their hands.
Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"
Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.
The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text to their husband: "I love you, sweetheart."
The women were then instructed to exchange phones with another person, and to read aloud the text message they received back in response.
Below are the replies: some are hilarious.
If you have been married for quite a while....a sign of true love....who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?
1. Who the hell is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's up with you?
4. What now? Did you crash the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean?
6. What the heck did you do now?
7. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
8. Am I dreaming?
9. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
10. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
11. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?
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An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. 'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively. 'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered - 'Is that one word or two?'
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How Women Can Live in a Loving Relationship with Husbands
