Official Joke & Humor Thread - Part Deux [MERGED] (commercial, wife, family) - Other Topics - Page 127 - City-Data Forum

motormaker · 01-27-2016, 10:27 AM

A SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE IN VANCOUVER THAT READ:
We will heel you
We will save your sole
We will even dye for you.

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”;

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels.”;

On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for,
You've come to the right place.”;

On a Plumber's truck :
"We repair what your husband fixed.”;

On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”;

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blowout.”;

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts.”;

In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action.”;

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push.”;

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.”;

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”;

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”;

At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time.
However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted.”;

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.”;

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait.”;

At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank Heaven for little grills.”;

In a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak.”;

And the best one for last…;
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

motormaker · 01-29-2016, 02:56 PM

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Not all blondes are dumb.

motormaker · 02-04-2016, 04:33 PM

If you've ever worked for a boss
who reacts before getting the factsand thinking things through, you
will love this!

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it
was time for a shake-up, hired a newCEO. The new boss was determined
to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities,
the CEO noticed a guy leaning against awall. The room was full of workers
and he wanted to let them know thathe meant business. He asked the
guy, "How much money do you make aweek?"
A little surprised,
the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400a week. Why?"
The CEO said,
"Wait right here." He walked back to his office, cameback in two minutes, and handed
the guy $1,600 in cash and said,"Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET
OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself the
CEO looked around the room andasked, "Does anyone want to tell
me what that goof-ball did here?"
From across the room a voice
said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."