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The cop said to him "You deliberately drowned that blonde, didn't you?"
"How would you know that?" he demanded.
"Because", answered the cop, "You put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool."
CHAOS, MAYHEM, PANIC IN THE STREETS! - My work here is done.
Location: The Circle City. Sometimes NE of Bagdad.
24,482 posts, read 26,021,800 times
Reputation: 59868
Revised Alphabet :
A is for apple, and B is for boat, That used to be right, but now it won't float!
Age before beauty is what we once said. But let's be a bit more realistic instead.
Now The Alphabet:
A's for arthritis; B's the bad back, C's the chest pains,perhaps car-di-ac?
D is for dental decay and decline, E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for farting and fluid retention, G is for gut droop, which I'd rather not mention.
H high blood pressure--I'd rather it low; I for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L 's for libido, what happened to sex? M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low; O is for osteo, bones that don't grow!
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu? R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears, T is for Tinnitus; bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; troubles with flow; V for vertigo, that's 'dizzy,' you know.
W for worry, now what's going 'round? X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Yfor another year I'm left here behind,Z is for zest I still have-- in my mind!
I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,
And I'm keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!
So this duck waddles into a bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any grapes"?
The bartender answers, "No, we only sell beer and booze here."
With this the duck leaves.
The next day the duck waddles back into the bar again and asks the bartender, "Do you have any grapes?'
The irritated bartender replies, "No! I told you we only sell beer and booze here, now if you ask me that again I'm going to nail your damned beak to the bar."
Once more the duck leaves.
The next day the duck waddles into the bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have a hammer and nails?"
Clearly choked, the bartender roars, "NO WE DON'T HAVE A DAMN HAMMER AND NAILS - THIS IS A BAR, WE SELL BEER AND BOOZE!!!"
Asks the duck, "Do you have any grapes?"
...
CHAOS, MAYHEM, PANIC IN THE STREETS! - My work here is done.
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up tothem, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom is the bestsex I ever had!"
Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off andbellies up to the bar at the far end.
Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says,"I just did your mom, and it was so sw-e-et!"
Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far endof the bar.
Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it, too!"
Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, you're drunk!"
...
CHAOS, MAYHEM, PANIC IN THE STREETS! - My work here is done.
(This html is annoying me today...)
Last edited by BlueRiver60; 08-19-2016 at 03:45 PM..
Reason: More html crap...
SENIOR INSPIRATION ...
1. My goal for 2016 was to lose just 10 pounds … only 15 to go ...
2. Ate salad for dinner … Mostly croutons & tomatoes ... Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce ... And cheese... FINE, it was a pizza... I ate a pizza …
3. How to prepare Tofu: 1. Throw it in the trash. 2. Grill some Meat.
4. I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web ...
5. I don't mean to brag but… I finished my 14-day diet food in 3 hours and 20 minutes ...
6. A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it ...
7. Kids today don't know how easy they have it... when I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel...
8. Senility has been a smooth transition for me...
9. Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero out they closed school? Me neither.
10. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented … I forgot where I was going with this ...
11. I love being over 70 … I learn something new every day … and forget 5 others ...
12. A thief broke into my house last night … He started searching for money … so I woke up and searched with him...
13. My dentist told me I need a Crown … I said, "You bet, pour mine over rocks" …
14. I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day ...
"Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed."
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