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Location: The Circle City. Sometimes NE of Bagdad.
24,482 posts, read 26,021,800 times
Reputation: 59868
In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth, and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then, using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Kreme Donuts. And, Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?"
And, Man said, "Yes!," and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And, they gained 10 pounds, and Satan smiled.
And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And, Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them and Woman went from size 6 to size 14.
So, God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And, Satan presented Thousand Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side.
And, Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast. God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them. And, Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken fried steak,so big it needed it's own platter. And, Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.
God then created a light, fluffy white cake, and named it "Angel Food," and said it is good. Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devils Food."
God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And, Satan
gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And, Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And, Satan peeled off the headful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried. And, Man gained pounds.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And, Satan created McDonald's and it's 99 cent double cheeseburger. Then said..."Do you want fries with that?" And Man replied. "Yes!! And super-size them!!" And, Satan said, "It is really good." And, then, after eating, Man went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed and then created quadruple bypass surgery. Then, Satan created HMO"s.
..here is your thought for the day. There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today then on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
Location: The Circle City. Sometimes NE of Bagdad.
24,482 posts, read 26,021,800 times
Reputation: 59868
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
(written by kids)
;
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10
- No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10
;
2. ;WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.. ;
-- Camille, age 10
;
3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8
;
4. ;WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? ;
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8
;
5. ;WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. ;
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10
;
6. ;WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? ;
-When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7 ( Love her )
-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7
;
-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- - Howard, age 8
;
7. ;IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. ;
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child )
;
8. ;HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED? ;
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is ......
;
9. ;HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky, age 10
An old man walked up to a scary lookin' dude drinking in a bar with his friends and said, "I saw your grandma naked today."
The dude's buddies looked on incredulous as the scary dude just rolled his eyes and ignored the old man.
So a few minutes later the old man came back and said, "Then I had my way with your grandma."
The dude's buddies started to shuffle their feet and form their fists, but the scary dude just smirked.
Finally the old man walked up again and said, "Your grandma said she liked it too!"
The dude saw his buddies getting even more agitated, one or two started to stand up so the scary dude took the old man
by the shoulders, looked him firmly in the eyes and said, "Grandpa, go home! You're drunk!"
Joe was a successful lawyer, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his career and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across an old country doctor who solved the problem.
"The good news is I can cure your headaches... the bad news is that it will require castration." You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He woundered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "that's what I need .. a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 42 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "how about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said "sure..." The salesman eyed Joe and said "let's see...34 sleeves and...16 and a half neck." Joe was suprised, "that's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years"
Joe tried one the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked "how about some new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said "sure!" The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said "Let's see... 10-1/2...E." Joe said astonished, "that's right, how did you know?" "Been in business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked "how about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "sure!" The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said "Let's see... size 36." Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old." "The salesman shook his head, "you can't wear a size 34, it will press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
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posters Agreed it is good 
