Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
A man returns from overseas and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo some tests.
The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings. "This is your doctor. We have the results back from your tests and we have found you have an extremely nasty STD called G.A.S.H. It's a combination of Gonorrhea, AIDS, Syphilis, and Herpes!"
"Oh my gosh," cried the man, "What are you going to do, doctor?"
"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread." replied the doctor.
"Will that cure me?" asked the man.
The doctor replied, "Well no, but, it's the only food we can slide under the door."
Location: The Circle City. Sometimes NE of Bagdad.
24,482 posts, read 26,021,800 times
Reputation: 59868
1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved.* She was stark naked!* As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'
2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother.* The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'
3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the bottle.* During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.* 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now.* She's hitting the bottle.'
4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room.* When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.* The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'
5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old.* Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop?* 'Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report.* 'My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?'* 'Yes, that's right,' I told her.* 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'
6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station.* As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.* 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.** 'It sure is,' I replied.* Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van.* Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'
7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.* She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.* One day I found her staring at some false teeth soaking in a glass.* As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'
8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party.* When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'* 'And why not, Darling?'** She replied, 'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'
9) DEATH (Read the last sentence slowly…)
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.* Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin.* Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.* The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers, and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.'* (I want this line used at my funeral!)
10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school.* 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother.* 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'
11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible.* He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.* Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible.* He picked up the object and looked at it.* What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.* 'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.* 'What have you got there, dear?'* With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'
Location: The Circle City. Sometimes NE of Bagdad.
24,482 posts, read 26,021,800 times
Reputation: 59868
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown
Ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for
Their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries
And a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's
Yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the
Order. "That will Be $9.40 please" The man
Reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact
Change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come
Again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries
And a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and
Pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again.
"The usual?" Asks the waitress. "No, this is
Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato
And a salad," says the man. "Same," says the
Ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order
And says, "That will be $32.62." Once again
The man pulls the exact change out of his pocket
And places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any
Longer. "Excuse me, Sir. How do you manage to
Always come up with the exact change in your
Pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was
Cleaning the attic and Found an old lamp. When
I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me
Two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had
To pay for anything, I would just put my hand
In my pocket and the right amount of money
Would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people
Would ask for a Million Dollars or something,
But you'll always be as rich as you want for as
Long as you live!"
"That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a
Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,"
Says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second
Wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long
Legs who agrees with everything I say.."
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the man passes gas and says, "seven points!".
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied "it's fart football."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown! Tie score..."
After about five minutes the old man lets another one goes and says, "Aha, I'm ahead 14 to 7"
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the man passes gas and says, "seven points!".
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied "it's fart football."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown! Tie score..."
After about five minutes the old man lets another one goes and says, "Aha, I'm ahead 14 to 7"
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, "What the hell was that?"
The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."
I really wish I had not been sitting in the library when I read this. Now everyone is looking at me wondering why I am laughing
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the man passes gas and says, "seven points!".
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied "it's fart football."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown! Tie score..."
After about five minutes the old man lets another one goes and says, "Aha, I'm ahead 14 to 7"
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, "What the hell was that?"
The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."
Priceless!!! Thank you for the laugh now I have to get more tea after I spilled the cup from laughing so hard
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
