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A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, “Do you know who I am?”
—The man replied, “Yep, sure do.”
—“Aren’t you afraid of me?” Satan asked.
—“Nope, sure ain’t.” said the man.
—“Don’t you realize I can kill you with one word?” asked Satan.
—“Don’t doubt it for a minute,” returned the old man, in an even tone.
—“Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?” persisted Satan.
—“Yep,” was the calm reply.
—“And you ‘re still not afraid?” asked Satan.
—“Nope,” said the old man.
—Totally perplexed, Satan asked, “Why aren’t you afraid of me?”
—The man calmly replied, “Been married to your sister for 48 years.”
Attending a convention, 3 psychiatrists take a walk. “People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears,” one says, “but we have no one to go to with our problems. Since we’re all professionals, why don’t we hear each other out right-now?”
They agree that this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, “I’m a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I over bill patients as often as I can.”
The second admits, “I have a drug problem that’s out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me.”
The third psychiatrist says, “I know it’s wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can’t keep a secret.”
Location: The Circle City. Sometimes NE of Bagdad.
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Puns for Educated Minds
1.. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2.. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3.. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4.. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5.. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6.. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7.. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8.. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9.. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: "You stay here. I'll go on a head."
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said:
"Keep off the Grass".
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion .
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .
21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir! Only one carrion allowed per passenger."
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "Dam!"
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron". The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies,
"Yes, I'm positive."
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Location: The Circle City. Sometimes NE of Bagdad.
24,482 posts, read 26,021,800 times
Reputation: 59868
For all you retirees everywhere
Four old retired men are walking down a street in Yuma, Arizona. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents." They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?" There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini.
In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred and says, "That's 10 cents each, please." The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please."
They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet. Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"
"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer it's all the same."
"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.
As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there. Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the Bartender, "What's with them?"
The bartender says, "They're retired people from Florida. They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price ... plus they all have coupons."
Location: The Circle City. Sometimes NE of Bagdad.
24,482 posts, read 26,021,800 times
Reputation: 59868
Obsevations
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
I live in my own little world, but it's OK. Everyone knows me here.
I saw a very large woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it.
I said, "Left Tackle?”
I don't do drugs. I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.
I don't like political jokes. I've seen too many get elected.
The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
If life deals you lemons, Make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make
Bloody Marys.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
Every day I beat my previous record of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
No one ever says, "It's only a game!" when their team's winning.
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing
section in a swimming pool?
Marriage changes passion, suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't need the freakin' class!
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Wouldn't you know it! Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
Location: The Circle City. Sometimes NE of Bagdad.
24,482 posts, read 26,021,800 times
Reputation: 59868
• Definitionof an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does.
• Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
• The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent.
• Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple?
Answer - So the English can understand them.
• Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."
"That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"
Location: The Circle City. Sometimes NE of Bagdad.
24,482 posts, read 26,021,800 times
Reputation: 59868
Facebook for Seniors
> >
> > This is for people of an older generation who do not really
> > comprehend why Facebook exists.
> > Presently, I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while
> > applying the same Facebook principles. Therefore, every day I go out on
> > the
> > street and tell the passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel, what I have
> > done the night before, and what I will do tomorrow. Then I give them
> > pictures of my family, my dog, of me gardening and spending time in my
> > pool.
> > I also listen to their conversations and I tell them I love them.
> > It works! I already have 3 persons following me:
> >
> >
> >
> > 2 police officers and a psychiatrist.
Well my last joke cost me a 6 day ban. I guess someone didn't see the humor in that joke. I'm BACKKK, so here goes:
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Confession of psychiatrists
