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Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy. One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David. Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.
The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David.
Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says: “My poor fellow, don’t you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren’t going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you’re sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite!”
The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said: “Moishe, would you look who’s trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!
Location: The Circle City. Sometimes NE of Bagdad.
24,463 posts, read 25,999,509 times
Reputation: 59843
PHENOMENAL
2 LETTER WORD
I'm sure you will enjoy this. I never knew one word in English
language that can be a noun, verb, adj, adv,
prep.
UP
Read
until the end ... You'll laugh.
This
two-letter word in English has more meanings than any
other two-letter word, and that word is UP.'
It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep],
[adj], [n] or [v].
It's easy to understand
UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list,
but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake
UP?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?
Why do we speak UP,
and why are the officers UP
for election (if there is a tie, it is a toss UP)
and why is it UP
to the secretary to write UP
a report? We call
UP
our friends, brighten UP
a room, polish UP
the silver, warm UPthe
leftovers and clean UP
the kitchen. We lock UP
the house and fix UP
the old car.
At other times, this
little word has real special meaning.
People stir UP
trouble,
line UP for tickets, work UP
an appetite, and think UP
excuses.
To be
dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP
is special.
And
this UP
is confusing: A drain must be opened UP
because it is blocked UP.
We open UP
a store in the morning but we close it UP
at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP
about UP!
To be
knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP,
look UP
the word UP
in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes
UP almost
1/4 of the page and can add UP
to about thirty definitions.
If you are
UP
to it, you might try building UP
a list of the many ways UP
is used. It will take UP
a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP,
you may wind UP
with (UP to) a hundred or more.
[In football or golf you tee it UP]
When it threatens to rain, we
say it is clouding UP.
When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP.
When it rains, it soaks UP
the earth. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry
UP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP,
for now . . . My time is UP!
Oh . . . One more thing: What is the
first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you
do at night?
U
P!
Did that one crack you UP?
Don't screw UP..
Send this on to everyone you look UP
in your address book . . . Or not . . . it's UP
to you.
Now
I'll shut UP!
Location: The Circle City. Sometimes NE of Bagdad.
24,463 posts, read 25,999,509 times
Reputation: 59843
A foursome of golfers, all in their 40's, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the waitresses were young, good
looking, had big chests and wore short-shorts.
Ten years later, in their 50's, the golfing buddies once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the food
and service was good, they had many televisions to watch the games on, and the beer selection was excellent.
Ten years later, in their 60's, the foursome again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because there was plenty of
parking, they could dine in peace, and it was good value for the money.
Ten years later, in their 70's, they discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.
Ten years later, in their 80's, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because they had never been there before.
Location: The Circle City. Sometimes NE of Bagdad.
24,463 posts, read 25,999,509 times
Reputation: 59843
They should be in a dictionary.
>
> Some of the best definitions I've seen !!!!
>
> ADULT:
> A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
>
> BEAUTY PARLOUR:
> A place where women curl up and dye.
>
>
> CHICKENS:
> The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
>
> COMMITTEE:
> A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
>
> DUST:
> Mud with the juice squeezed out.
>
> EGOTIST:
> Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
>
> HANDKERCHIEF:
> Cold Storage.
>
> INFLATION:
> Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
>
> MOSQUITO:
> An insect that makes you like flies better.
>
> RAISIN:
> A grape with a sunburn.
>
> SECRET:
> Something you tell to one person at a time.
>
> SKELETON:
> A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
>
> TOOTHACHE:
> The pain that drives you to extraction.
>
> TOMORROW:
> One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.
>
> YAWN:
> An honest opinion openly expressed.
>
>
> And MY Personal Favourite!!
>
> WRINKLES:
> Something other people have,
> Similar to my character lines.
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, “What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says,"Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.
A few days before Christmas, a man goes to a pet store looking for an unusual gift for his wife. The store manager shows him a beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols.
The man agrees that Chet is pretty but he isn’t singing. The manager reaches for his lighter, holds it under Chet’s left foot and immediately the Parrot starts singing “Silent Night, Holy Night.”
The husband was very impressed and watched as the manager moved the lighter underneath Chet’s right foot and he began singing “Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way.” The husband said the bird was perfect and took him home.
Arriving home he was so excited that he insisted on giving his wife her wonderful gift right away. He presented Chet the parrot and explained his unique talent.
As his wife watched, he held his lighter under Chet’s left foot and sure enough he started singing “Silent Night.” With his wife’s jaw dropping, He moved the flame under his right foot and Chet sang “Jingle Bells.” His wife, totally blown away but with a mischievous grin asked her husband what he suppose would happen if he held the lighter between Chet’s legs. Curious, the husband placed his lighter where his wife suggested and immediately the bird broke into, “Chet’s nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!”
Mike and Yvonne were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they carefully watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Yvonne's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'
Mike asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
Mike looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.. 'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled Mike.. 'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to Mike. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
Mike looked around and nervously asked Yvonne 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?'
'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'
'No gym to work out at?' said Mike
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again'
Mike glared at Yvonne and said, 'You and your damn bran flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'
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Welcome to heaven
