Official Joke & Humor Thread - Part Deux [MERGED] (phones, appliance, famous)

[Da Grouch]

Q: What does a tornado and a cheerleader have in common?

A: They both eventually end up in a trailer park.

[Da Grouch]

Q: What do you get when you put 28 Alabama cheerleaders in one room?

A: A full set of teeth.

[SandyLuvsToTravel]

Love-making through the ages...

in your 20's............ tri-weekly
in your 40's............ try weekly
in your 60's............ try weakly
in your 80's............ try

[Da Grouch]

So this guy escapes from prison where he's been locked up for over 15 years. He breaks into a house where he finds a couple sleeping naked in bed. He easily overpowers and beats up the husband before tying the now whimpering hubby over the end of the bed. Then, turning, the escaped con leans over the wife and appears to nibble on her ear as he ties her wrists to the headboard posts. The wife whispers something to the con and, with a frenzied look on his face, he immediately goes into the bathroom.

The beaten husband whispers to his helpless wife,"Look at his clothes, this man is an escaped convict. He probably hasn't seen a naked woman in years, I saw the way he kissed your neck, he's probably going to rape you - just let him do what he wants to you no matter how bad it is or he might kill us both. Be strong honey, remember that I love you."

The wife leans over and whispers back, "He wasn't kissing my neck, he whispered in my ear that he was gay and he thinks your cute. So he asked if we had any lube and I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey...Love you too."

...

[motormaker]

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'

The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.'

The Member of Parliament was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

[elnina]

Understanding Engineers #1
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

Understanding Engineers #2
To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers #3
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers #4
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons . Civil engineers build targets .

Understanding Engineers #5
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers #6
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer . Just look at all the joints".
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections".
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers #7
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers #8
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".
He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week".
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want".
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look , I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool".
--

[carolyninfl]

What is long, hard, wet and full of semen?










A SUBMARINE

[carolyninfl]

Why was the blonde starring at a carton of orange juice??




Because it said concentrate

[oeccscclhjhn]

i went down the street to the 24 hour grocery. when i got there, the guy was locking the front door. i said, hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours. he said, not in a row.

steven wright

[oeccscclhjhn]

Originally Posted by elnina

Understanding Engineers

i lol at the golf 1.

a biologist, a physicist, and a mathematician were sitting in a street cafe watching the crowd. across the street they saw a man and a woman entering a building. 10 minutes later they reappear together with a third person. they have multiplied, said the biologist. oh no, an error in measurement, the physicist said. if exactly one person enters the building now, it will be empty again, the mathematician concluded.