Official Joke & Humor Thread - Part Deux [MERGED] (great, house, home)

[Chatteress]

Why did the man closed the refrigerator door in shock?

Spoiler

Because he saw some Italian dressing

[Steve Bagu]

Told this one a time long ago.....needs a repeat.

Taking a woman to bed in a man's point of view?????????

At 8....You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18....You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28....You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38....She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48....She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58....You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68....If you take her to bed that'll be a story.

At 78....What story? What bed?......Who the Hell are you?

Now some poor guy is reading this so you all hang in there now.....you hear.

(Side note.....I will be 82 this coming Aug 7th)

[motormaker]

An Italian woman was leaving a convenience store with her espresso when she noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian woman walking a dog on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file. The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the Italian woman walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My husband's."
"'What happened to him?"
"He yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
The Italian woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."
A very poignant and touching moment of Italian sisterhood and silence passed between the two women. "Can I borrow the dog?"

The woman replied, "Get in line."

[oeccscclhjhn]

if one man calleth the a donkey, pay him no mind. if ALL men calleth the a donkey, get the a saddle.

[Steve Bagu]

In answer to a rep? I started to print/write English back in 1936 way before you were born.

A Joke/Humor is for all who have a gift for life.

[Nomadicus]

Alabama Vasectomy on the cheap, One cherry bomb in a beer can between the legs while driving.

[LilyLady]

News Flash:
"Woman stops gator attack with a small Beretta pistol."


This is a story of self control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.

Here is her story:

"While out walking along the edge of a bayou just below Houma, Louisiana with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 15-ft. alligator suddenly emerging from the murky water and charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.

If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me I would not be here today!

Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus ... the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was more than worth the purchase price of the gun."

[motormaker]

All the organs of the body were having a meeting,
Trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes.."


"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him,
so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache,
The stomach was bloated,
The legs got wobbly,
The eyes got watery,
And the blood was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss

The Moral of the story?
Even though the others do all the work...
The azzhole is usually in charge

[psurangers11]

What's big and yellow and can't float?


A school Bus

[Da Grouch]

Dan and Stan are two blokes out walking home from work one afternoon.

"Bloody 'ell, wot," said Dan, "as soon as I get meself 'ome, I'm gonna rip the wife's knickers off!"

"What's yer bloody rush, then Danny boy?" his mate Stan asked.

"ARGH!" replied Dan, "the bloody elastic in the legs o' these things is killin' me."