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The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the
things around the house that he used to do. When the
examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it.
Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just a
plain lazy old fart."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can
tell my wife."
Location: The Circle City. Sometimes NE of Bagdad.
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Eight Words with two Meanings
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male..... Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female..... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male..... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
AND;
He said.... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said.... You wear pants don't you?
He said..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
He said..... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said ....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said..... Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said..... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
One of the teachers had a kindergartner come up to her and
say that he found a frog. The teacher asked if the frog was
alive or dead. The student said it was dead. The teacher
asked how he knew.
The boy said, "I pissed in it's ear."
The teacher said, "You what???"
He said, "You know, I went to his ear and said, 'PSST!' and
it didn't move. So it must be dead."
A general store owner hires a young female clerk with a penchant for
wearing very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man
enters the store, glances at the clerk, and glances at the loaves of bread
behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or general lack
thereof) and the location of the raisin bread he has a brilliant idea.
"I'd like some raisin bread, please," the man says politely.
The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which
is located on the very top shelf. The young man, standing almost
directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view, just as he
had surmised he would be.
Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get 2
loaves as he is having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the 2nd
loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what is going on.
Thinking quickly, he quickly requests his own loaf of raisin bread so
that he can continue to enjoy the view.
With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of
another male customer. Pretty soon each person is asking for raisin
bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.
After a few trips the clerk is tired and irritated and thinking that
she is really going to have to try this raisin bread for herself.
Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the
men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the
throng staring up at her.
Thinking to save herself a trip she yells, "Is yours raisin too?"
"No," croaks the feeble old man...."But it's startin' to twitch."
The census taker knocked on the lady's door. She answered
all his questions except one. She refused to tell him her
age.
"But everyone tells their age to the census taker," he said.
"Did Miss Maisy Hill, and Miss Daisy Hill tell you their
ages?" she asked.
"Certainly." he replied
"Well, I'm the same age as they are." she snapped.
The census taker read aloud as he wrote on the form:
"As old as the Hills"
“I remember Tallulah [Bankhead] telling of going into a public ladies’ room and discovering there was no toilet tissue. She looked underneath the booth and said to the lady in the next stall, ‘I beg your pardon, do you happen to have any toilet tissue in there?’ The lady said no. So Tallulah said, ‘Well, then, dahling, do you have two fives for a ten?’” — Ethel Merman
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who
was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer," the man said, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet!!!" snapped the officer. "...or I'm going
to let you cool off in jail until the chief gets back."
"But officer, I just wanted to say...."
"And I said KEEP QUIET! You're going to jail!" A few
hours later, the officer checked up on his prisoner and said,
"Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding.
He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," said the man in the cell....
"I'm the groom!"
Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake
up, son. It's time to go to school!"
"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me,
too!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get
ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're
the Principal!"
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