Official Joke & Humor Thread - Part Deux [MERGED] (driver, free, house)

[motormaker]

I found this timely because today I was in a shoe store that sells only shoes, nothing else. A young girl with a tattoo and green hair walked over to me and asked, "What brings you in today?"
I looked at her and said, "I'm interested in buying a refrigerator." She didn't quite know how to respond, had that deer in the headlights look.

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.
When people see a cat's litter box they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" I just say, "No, it's for company!"
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write, “An ambulance”
The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Have you ever noticed: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he knows when he's really in trouble.
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age & start bragging about it.
Some people try to turn back their "odometers." Not me. I want people to know why I look this way. I've travelled a long way and a lot of the roads were not paved.
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up, sags or leaks.
Ah! Being young is beautiful but being old is comfortable.
Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.
May you always have:
Love to share,
Cash to spare,
Tires with air,
and friends who care.

[PAhippo]

Remember when people had diaries and got mad when someone read them?
Now they put everything online and get mad when people don't.

[oeccscclhjhn]

[PAhippo]

Glad it only rained twice this summer. Once for 47 days and once for 35 days.




I hate starting new relationships. I have to act like I'm normal for about 2 months.

[motormaker]

Pessimists see the glass half full.
Optimists are already opening another bottle.

[motormaker]

Found on a sign.

How to stay financially stable in life.

Don't get into crafts.

The end

PS This got me a good punch in the shoulder from the wife.

She obviously didn't think it was funny.

[High_Plains_Retired]

I Can't Remember
by Anonymous

Just a line to say I'm living
that I'm not among the dead,
Though I'm getting more forgetful
and mixed up in my head

I got used to my arthritis
to my dentures I'm resigned,
I can manage my bifocals
but God, I miss my mind

For sometimes I can't remember
when I stand at the foot of the stairs,
If I must go up for something
or have I just come down from there?

And before the fridge so often
my poor mind is filled with doubt,
Have I just put food away, or
have I come to take some out?

And there's a time when it is dark
with my nightcap on my head,
I don't know if I'm retiring, or
just getting out of bed

So, if it's my turn to write you
there's no need for getting sore,
I may think I have written
and don't want to be a bore

So, remember that I love you
and wish that you were near,
But now it's nearly mail time
So I must say goodbye, dear

There I stand beside the mail box
with a face so very red,
Instead of mailing you my letter
I opened it instead.

[Mike from back east]

If you get a mortgage at a bank you'll be paying it off for 30 years.
If you rob a bank you'll be out in 10 years.

Follow me for more sage financial advice.

[Mike from back east]

I asked my wife if I were the only one she's been with. She said yes, all the others were nines and tens.

[motormaker]

Originally Posted by High_Plains_Retired

I Can't Remember
by Anonymous

Just a line to say I'm living
that I'm not among the dead,
Though I'm getting more forgetful
and mixed up in my head

I got used to my arthritis
to my dentures I'm resigned,
I can manage my bifocals
but God, I miss my mind

For sometimes I can't remember
when I stand at the foot of the stairs,
If I must go up for something
or have I just come down from there?

And before the fridge so often
my poor mind is filled with doubt,
Have I just put food away, or
have I come to take some out?

And there's a time when it is dark
with my nightcap on my head,
I don't know if I'm retiring, or
just getting out of bed

So, if it's my turn to write you
there's no need for getting sore,
I may think I have written
and don't want to be a bore

So, remember that I love you
and wish that you were near,
But now it's nearly mail time
So I must say goodbye, dear

There I stand beside the mail box
with a face so very red,
Instead of mailing you my letter
I opened it instead.

Very good HPR