Official Joke & Humor Thread - Part Deux [MERGED] (how much, to buy, celebrities)

[PAhippo]

It's time to put on a sweater and regret that decision in the afternoon weather.


**********The best part of having a job is that if you work really hard they'll let you keep working very hard.


******Didn't sleep much last night but I did get in a few solid hours of worrying.

[JGC97]

This one will make you groan

What do you use to mend a jack-o-lantern?
.
.
.
.
A pumpkin patch.

[PAhippo]

A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.
An optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel.
A realist sees a train.


The train driver sees 3 idiots standing on the track.

[2goldens]

"In your life, you meet people.
Some you never think about again.
Some, you wonder what happened to them.
There are some that you wonder if they ever think about you.
And then there are some you wish you never had to think about again.
But you do."

C. S. Lewis

[motormaker]

Them •
you need to
listen to your body more:

Body
you're old and you
want pizza.

[farm108]

Two lawyers walk into a pub. They order a couple of drinks and take their sandwiches out of their briefcases and then they begin to eat them.

Seeing this, the angry publican exclaims, “Excuse me, but you can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!”

The two lawyers look at each other, shrug their shoulders, and then exchange sandwiches.

[2goldens]

Seinfeld "Tuesday has no feeling" What days do you feel?



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KfhFfDQ8YJo

[PAhippo]

Give me coffee to change the things I c an and wine to accept those I can't.


***********


I must be getting stronger as I age. I can now bring $200 worth of groceries in the house in one trip.


!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say "oh look-there's one shaped like an idiot."

[2goldens]

A rat swallowed a diamond and the owner of the diamond contracted a man to kill the rat.

When the rat hunter arrived to kill the rat there were more than a thousand rats bunched up
and one sitting by itself away from the pack. He killed the one by itself and that was the exact
one that had swallowed the diamond.

The amazed owner of the diamond asked: How did you know it was that rat?

He responded: .... your thoughts?? ....

Spoiler

"Very easy.... When idiots get rich they don't mix with others!!!"

[moguldreamer]

I put a dollar into a change machine. Nothing changed.