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An elderly gentleman, Mr. Wallace, was living the last months of his life in a Nursing Home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.
“Yes, Nurse Tracy”, said Mr. Wallace. “My Private Part died today, and I’m very sad.” Knowing that many of her patients were forgetful and sometime a little crazy, she replied, “Oh, I’m sorry, Mr. Wallace, please accept my condolences.”
The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy. “Mr. Wallace”, she said. “You shouldn’t be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.”
“But Nurse Tracy”, replied Mr. Wallace, “I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.” “Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?”
Location: The Circle City. Sometimes NE of Bagdad.
24,458 posts, read 25,991,550 times
Reputation: 59828
On January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74
when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they
stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't
want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ..."Well,
before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best
last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up
approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper,
and then says,
"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a
real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode
with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
Location: The Circle City. Sometimes NE of Bagdad.
24,458 posts, read 25,991,550 times
Reputation: 59828
Louie and his wife are listening to the radio when they hear the weather report: "A snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the odd-numbered side of the street." So Louie gets up and moves his car.
Two days later - same thing. "A snow emergency has been declared," blares the radio. "Park your cars on the even-numbered side of the street." Louie gets up and does what he’s told.
Three days later: "There will be a foot of snow today. Park your cars on the...," and then the power goes out.
"What should I do?" a confused Louie asks his wife.
"This time," she says, "why don’t you just leave the car in the garage?"
a boy was teaching a girl arithmetic, he said, it was his mission. he kissed her once, he kissed her twice and said, now that’s addition. in silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, now that’s subtraction. then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation. and both together smiled and said, that’s multiplication. then her dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision. he chased the boy three blocks away and said, that’s long division.
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever! A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother! Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, And I'm wearing it, she replied..Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ''Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day. ''A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ''Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another Occasion where you could wear it. "Her mother just smiled and replied, ''Of course I do, dear...I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night BEFORE the wedding.''
Bargain Hunter
A blonde went to an appliance store sale and caught the sight of a great bargain. “I would
like to buy this TV,” she told the salesman, who was standing nearby. “Sorry, we don’t sell
to blondes,” he replied.
With this information in mind, she hurried back home and dyed her hair, then rushed back
and once again declared to the salesman, “I would like to buy this TV.” “Sorry, we don’t sell
to blondes,” he replied.
“Darn, he recognized me,” she thought, surprised at his perspicacity.
She decided to adopt a thorough disguise this time, complete with a haircut and new hair
color, new outfit, big sunglasses, and then waited for a few days before she once again
approached the salesman at the appliance store. “I would like to buy this TV,” she said.
“Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.
Completely frustrated, she exclaimed, “How do you know I’m a blonde?”
“Because that, ma'am, is a microwave,” he replied.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------- To Absent Brothers
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back
of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes
back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender says to him, 'You know, a pint
goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.' The Irishman
replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia,
and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to
remember the days we all drank together. 'The bartender admits that this is a nice custom,
and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same
way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in
turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and
fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, 'I don't
want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.' The
Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawns in his eye and he laughs. 'Oh,
no, ' he says, 'Everyone is fine. I've just quit drinking!
A man opens his refrigerator and sees a squirrel lying down inside. The man asks the squirrel, What are you doing in here?
The squirrel says, This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?
The man says, Yes.
The squirrel says, I'm westing!
Last edited by fuzzymystic; 08-04-2013 at 05:21 PM..
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