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I have been "divorced" - zero contact - nada - with my so-called "parent's" for an extended period of time now. Those who matter know how toxic, abusive and evil (not using that term loosely) they are (have spoke about it in former threads, many of you know)- and for those offline I meet that do not particularly matter and do not need to know details, are told they are dead. Not having them in my life is not painful. Having them in my life is painful, destructive and toxic - not to mention very dangerous mentally and physically.
Those who believe that it CANNOT be healthy to be out of contact with parent's are unable to think outside their own box - and past their own "Leave it to Beaver" (per se) experiences. . . and they have not met MINE. Ha. . . .
(The topic of my ex-parent's seriously irritates me and re-living it is not something I would like to do in this thread - I'm having a GREAT day LOL, so I may not be back to this thread. Just wanted to put my two cents in. . thanks)
I'm pretty lucky cause I get along with my parents. But over the years, I've dated a number of people who didn't. Many are no longer on speaking terms. I'm wondering what can (and should) you infer from that? Obviously, when you meet someone, you want to keep an open mind. But at the same time, you're keeping an eye out for red flags. It's hard for me to put myself in their shoes. You don't want to judge, but you can't just pretend like it's no big deal either. What's been your experience with this and how have you dealt with it? If you've never been in this situation before or if you're the one who's estranged from your parent(s), how have others reacted and what reaction do you think is fair?
It definitely gets my attention and is something I would want to know more about. Not saying it's red flag, let's just call it yellow. I've seen a number of situations like this where it's various parties faults so I don't pre-judge.
The only thing I would caution is this: Many young people (20somethings or less) see their parents in a certain light according to what is going on in their lives at the time. Some have cut their parents off at this juncture. Had some of them waited until they themselves grew a little bit more and learned more about life and/or became parents themselves, they may well see their parents from the vantage point of an adult, and that might make a difference.
I well understand as I say the above that there are many situations that are indeed toxic and it would be healthy to stay away.
I doesn't hurt to call a parent once or twice a year just so you know you did the right thing, and you've really hit the mark when you know by doing so you will meet insanity and find your reactions are no longer angry, but expectant. That would be the healthiest reaction because it means what they say or do no longer matters to you.
And for a whole lot of people, having your parents IN your life is not only painful, but also dangerous, destructive, toxic, and violent. In those situations it is foolish to stay in contact.
If a person is unable to believe or accept that it can be healthy to be OUT OF CONTACT with parents, then that person has a limited narrow range of thinking, and is unwilling or unable to honor someone else's experience of life, and to me they are not good relationship material for me to be intimate with.
uh, yeah, completely missed the boat on my post there, buddy
I have been estranged from my mother for 20 years this August.
Most people have been blessed enough that they cannot understand the depth of the physical and emotional abuse I survived the first 17 years of my life. Only through contact with my mother's extended family (my aunt, uncles, grandparents, etc) did my dh come close to understanding what I am protecting myself and my children from. His stepmom was one of those who did not understand and judged me harshly for it. I decided to stop "being nice" and shared several stories of my past with her, and some of the stuff I deal with in my contact with her relatives. At this point, she can't believe I have any contact with ANY of them... but I keep them separate from my kids, and will cut off that limited contact when my grandmother passes.
My kids aren't lacking in grandparents though... both my dh and my parents divorced and remarried when we were young. My father and stepmom and his father and stepmom are excellent grandparents.
Dh's mom... we didn't cut off contact entirely, but I did limit it to just dh and the kids... she calls once a year, if even. She tells people that I am withholding her grandchildren. But those close to us know the truth. I'm sure those close to her suspect it. With her, I just have enough on my plate without dealing with someone else's constant need for drama and attention. I don't need it. I told my dh that if he wants to continue with her, he can, just leave me out of it.
I've told my kids the truth, in a way they can understand. I've explained that my mother and siblings have a mental illness. I've told them that dh's little sister told their mother lies about me and I just didn't want to see either of them until they fessed up to their lies. My kids KNOW that lying is a big thing for me. Once in awhile, they ask the questions or want to hear the story again. I explain that none of them are "evil", but when someone hurts you, you forgive them but you don't allow them to continue hurting you.
I've also taught my kids never to say, "That's okay" when someone says they're sorry. It's NEVER okay for someone to hurt you. Instead you say, "I accept your apology" or "I heard your apology, but I do not accept it right now."
it's a darn good thing parents accept their children with unconditional love. Most of you whiney, woe is me, spoiled brats on here probably didn't get enough discipline as children. You must all think you're perfect . Parents are not perfect and don't have day by day instructions on how to parent but most of the ones I know do the very best they can. Some end up with appreciative children and some have ended up with brats who cut the parents off for no good reason. So much for unconditional love in return.
Have any of you tried to understand what your parents may have been going through while rasing you? Most parents try to keep issues and problems from the kids, so you may hve no idea what may have triggered this or that. If you cared enough about your parent(s), then as adults you should ask them about it. Sit down and try to work through it.
Only the current generation of 20-30ish adults() seem to be able to walk way so easily and not want to deal with and work through family issues. The older generation 50+ seem to have more respect and honor for the parents,regardless of what went on as a child. For all the times some of you have spent on here bellyaching about how dreadful your parents are, you could have been dealing with it directly with the parent or a therapist.
However, way too many people deny that they're in pain due to the severed relationships with their parents and angrily say things like, "Whatever. I don't need them anymore" and think they mean it, but they really don't. They may not need them financially, but they miss them emotionally. People who can't admit what's really going on with them sublimate these issues into other relationships in their life and keep trying to solve them through recreation. I would not be with someone like this.
I dated someone who I suspect was like this. She had a falling out with her parents. I never got the whole story and she didn't seem to want to discuss it, so I never brought it up. I never judged her for it, but it always seemed like she had unresolved feelings. After a while, it felt like she was directing those feelings into other areas of her life, including me. Most of us don't want to date someone with any emotional baggage from a previous relationship. The same can be said if that baggage is from relationships with family members.
Although biology (DNA) links us, it does not necessarily bond us. No one who has lived with or survived abusive or destructive parents should feel bound to them, and they, in turn, should not be judged for choosing healthy relationships instead of fostering relationships with destructive people, simply because you're related.
it's a darn good thing parents accept their children with unconditional love. Most of you whiney, woe is me, spoiled brats on here probably didn't get enough discipline as children. You must all think you're perfect . Parents are not perfect and don't have day by day instructions on how to parent but most of the ones I know do the very best they can. Some end up with appreciative children and some have ended up with brats who cut the parents off for no good reason. So much for unconditional love in return.
Have any of you tried to understand what your parents may have been going through while rasing you? Most parents try to keep issues and problems from the kids, so you may hve no idea what may have triggered this or that. If you cared enough about your parent(s), then as adults you should ask them about it. Sit down and try to work through it.
Only the current generation of 20-30ish adults() seem to be able to walk way so easily and not want to deal with and work through family issues. The older generation 50+ seem to have more respect and honor for the parents,regardless of what went on as a child. For all the times some of you have spent on here bellyaching about how dreadful your parents are, you could have been dealing with it directly with the parent or a therapist.
I think that some of the posters in this thread have suffered terribly at the hands of their parents--sounds like some serious abuse was going on in some cases.
I'm not buying it. If true abuse happened or the parent was a perv,rapist,druggie,etc then I could see them having a problem continuing a relationship.
It seems to be a trend nowadays to just cut the ties then brag about it.
Most who do so seem to have more issues than the parent they are refusing to speak to.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Metlakatla
I think that some of the posters in this thread have suffered terribly at the hands of their parents--sounds like some serious abuse was going on in some cases.
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) seem to be able to walk way so easily and not want to deal with and work through family issues. The older generation 50+ seem to have more respect and honor for the parents,regardless of what went on as a child. For all the times some of you have spent on here bellyaching about how dreadful your parents are, you could have been dealing with it directly with the parent or a therapist.
