People Who No Longer Talk To Parent(s) (divorced, sister, issues)
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I haven't spoken to my parents in years and years. The day before I left for college, actually. I just walked out the door the next day and that was that.
Sometimes people are just negative forces in your life. Frankly, if I've learned one thing so far it's that people don't change. I'm sorry, Hollywood, but no amount of emotional music, heartbreaking decisions or trauma can change people. My parents are abusive, incredibly destructive human beings. I've moved on and thank god they aren't in my life anymore.
I think the most truthful portrayal of this situation occurs in the storyline to one of American Dad's more recent episodes: Terry's father doesn't accept him for being gay. You can replace "gay" for a lot of things, but the point is that more often than not, parents are people too with faults and limits. Some just don't care about their children, some are incapable of caring about anything beyond themselves and others still just won't change.
The best you can do is to move on, see a shrink for the psychological issues you may have and try to establish a normal life.
So for now on I look at people like cars and try to be around people who have been taken care of (emotionally) as I find it makes a difference in there personality and the way I interact with them. Or to further elaborate myself, over the years people who I found that were emotionally stable came from emotionally stable homes and life is just to short to put up with BS from somebody who is unstable especially when there are many stable people to chose from.
This is my attitude as well. Obviously, you can't hold it against someone for coming from a dysfunctional home. It's not their fault if they had lousy parents. Not everyone who comes from a messed up home life turns out that way. And not everyone who comes from a perfect household turns out great. But if it looks as though the person coming from the dysfunctional home has been emotionally scarred and has yet to heal, then you're better off finding someone who's healthy.
Quote:
Originally Posted by coldwine
Frankly, if I've learned one thing so far it's that people don't change. I'm sorry, Hollywood, but no amount of emotional music, heartbreaking decisions or trauma can change people. My parents are abusive, incredibly destructive human beings. I've moved on and thank god they aren't in my life anymore.
I agree. People can change, but only if they want to. In my experience, most people don't.
I'm pretty lucky cause I get along with my parents. But over the years, I've dated a number of people who didn't. Many are no longer on speaking terms. I'm wondering what can (and should) you infer from that? Obviously, when you meet someone, you want to keep an open mind. But at the same time, you're keeping an eye out for red flags. It's hard for me to put myself in their shoes. You don't want to judge, but you can't just pretend like it's no big deal either. What's been your experience with this and how have you dealt with it? If you've never been in this situation before or if you're the one who's estranged from your parent(s), how have others reacted and what reaction do you think is fair?
I don't think you can necessarily infer anything - people have different reasons. Maybe the kid is a bum, or maybe the parents are.
My family is mostly toxic and I made the decision about 4 years ago to minimize and finally cease contact. It was not a decision I arrived at easily nor was it without a certain amount of grieving, frankly. Mostly, I think people who come from functional, supportive families simply do not understand. My partner is close with his family (and they have honestly been a surrogate family for me) and while he gets that I have very good reasons, I don't think he fully understands and I really can't expect him to.
It's fair to wonder, it's fair to ask questions. It's not fair to automatically assume the person who has chosen to cease contact is unfeeling, lacks empathy, or is otherwise a rotten person without getting all the facts. It's also not fair to project your experiences with your own family onto the other person.
I'd say that people who refuse contact with their parents are doing it for one of two reasons: Either they are so hurt, angry, holding a grudge over one thing or another, (which is an emotional reaction), or they have made a good, healthy decision with regards to what is best for them and/or wife or children. The first group needs a big dose of maturity-laced understanding, needs to take into consideration that their parents brought the baggage of their own imperfect, neglectful, wrong-headed, and sometimes abusive upbringings with them when they married and had kids, just as they will or have into their families. Now, this doesn't mean that you can't for the most part do it; but if you were abused as a kid, you will have to be very mindful to not repeat that abuse. Often we go the other way completely, meaning if you're father was an alcoholic you will never have a drink nor allow a drop of the stuff to be brought into the house. But the healthiest and strongest of us will find it difficult to outdistance our childhoods. The second group on the other hand made a tough decision. It is never easy to cut off a parent regardless of how ugly the transgression.
When I was 26 -- I'm 38 now -- I decided that I would be a happier, healthier person if my father was not in my life. Throughout my childhood, he'd been an alcoholic and abusive...physically, verbally, emotionally. In my early 20s, I tried to maintain a relationship with him because I felt like I SHOULD since he was my father. But there was nothing there for me...between us. The damage had already been done.
My parents split when I was 15 and my father remarried when I was 17. His new wife was a no-nonsense type who whipped his butt into shape. Good for her...and good for him. Unfortunately, he also seemed to have the idea that now that everything was hunky-dory for him, it should be hunky-dory for US as well. Presto-chango...abracadabra!
As anyone who has experienced abuse can tell you, though...it just doesn't work that way.
In a way, I believe that my decision -- to end my relationship with my father -- was my first true act of emotional maturity and independence. I made a decision that was right for me, for my recovery. It wasn't made in anger, because by the time I was 26, I'd gone past anger where he was concerned and was mostly just tired. It wasn't a reactive decision. It truly was a proactive decision -- one that was geared toward recovery and improving my future -- and I don't regret it. I have NEVER regretted it.
These days, I can talk matter-of-factly about my experiences with my father. He's not a secret part of my life. I'm not ashamed of what happened to me when I was a kid, and I'm not ashamed of my decision to cut things off with him. The Serenity Prayer says, "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." Recovery has come to me through accepting that I'm the sum of my parts and my experiences, and my father was one of those experiences. In a lot of ways, he was my most profound experience. If I can look at myself in the mirror today and like who I am, then there's no reason for me to feel anger or resentment over the role he played in my life. But that doesn't mean that I want to share who I am with him.
Respect, affection, loyalty, reciprocity, encouragement, support -- those are the things that make relationships sacred and meaningful. Biology alone doesn't do the trick. Or at least, that's how I look at it.
I'm pretty lucky cause I get along with my parents. But over the years, I've dated a number of people who didn't. Many are no longer on speaking terms. I'm wondering what can (and should) you infer from that? Obviously, when you meet someone, you want to keep an open mind. But at the same time, you're keeping an eye out for red flags. It's hard for me to put myself in their shoes. You don't want to judge, but you can't just pretend like it's no big deal either. What's been your experience with this and how have you dealt with it? If you've never been in this situation before or if you're the one who's estranged from your parent(s), how have others reacted and what reaction do you think is fair?
I'd get the impression that something was wrong with the parents.
I don't think no contact with family should be a red flag, but it should also be something that you would discuss with a significant other you began to get serious about. There are just times that parents are toxic, and it really is best for the person to cut ties altogether.
Amen to that. There's an old saying there's a reason some people don't make it to your future. If you grew up with abusive malicious family members that do nothing but bring poison into your life, it's better to cut ties and walk away and heal and move on. So I wouldn't see it as a red flag but I would just let your SO talk about it when they are ready.
My family is mostly toxic and I made the decision about 4 years ago to minimize and finally cease contact. It was not a decision I arrived at easily nor was it without a certain amount of grieving, frankly. Mostly, I think people who come from functional, supportive families simply do not understand. My partner is close with his family (and they have honestly been a surrogate family for me) and while he gets that I have very good reasons, I don't think he fully understands and I really can't expect him to.
I'm so glad I'm not the only one who has experienced this with family and decided to cut ties. I don't believe spouses, who come from a good family, would understand unless they actually meet the toxic family members and see first hand themselves.
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you are so right dear
