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I'm pretty lucky cause I get along with my parents. But over the years, I've dated a number of people who didn't. Many are no longer on speaking terms. I'm wondering what can (and should) you infer from that? Obviously, when you meet someone, you want to keep an open mind. But at the same time, you're keeping an eye out for red flags. It's hard for me to put myself in their shoes. You don't want to judge, but you can't just pretend like it's no big deal either. What's been your experience with this and how have you dealt with it? If you've never been in this situation before or if you're the one who's estranged from your parent(s), how have others reacted and what reaction do you think is fair?
I am a foster parent and so many of the kids want nothing to do with their birth parents. It seems obvious, but what one must keep in mind is, no one really knows their parents like someone whom has spent 18+ years with them. Maybe they were abused...physically, sexually or verbally? Maybe the parents were extremely controlling? Who knows but certainly they know their parents better then you.
In my case, both my wives always said how my parents "loved them better then their own son" (that being me). I told the second one, "just wait and we'll see". Now they aren't so fond of her.
Interestingly enough this applies to marriages too. I have known many people whom I thought were wonderful...but I don't live with them so I really don't know.
My husband hasn't talked to his parents in years. Back in 93, he didn't talk to them for 4 years. When we were planning our wedding, he decided to make mends. That lasted 6 years, he hasn't spoken to them in the last 5 years now.
In some ways I feel sorry for him. He is a great man(or I wouldn't be married to him). His mother was never one to not hold a grudge. This goes back to when he was 17 and came home drunk one night. Like many of us haven't ever done that before. Funny thing, is he doesn't drink and hasn't for quite sometime. He was never a "drinker" anyway. He was 17 for cryin' out loud. I did it too and I also don't drink, haven't in probably 10 years.
I don't think he will ever get back to his parents. Sadly it was mainly his mother, never really had issues with his dad. Not long ago his mom wrote him a letter and basically ripped him and how no one in the family could understand why he did the things he did. He wrote her back telling her if this is how everyone felt, he would have to be crazy to come back. It was all minor stuff too. Like not going to his cousin's wedding. Well, he never talked to her, it had probably been 10 years. I didn't go to one of my cousin's wedding either..no biggie. Or how we didn't attend his brother's 2nd college graduation. Honestly, we were never invited to it. We would have gone, we went to the first. Or at least sent him a gift. We were "bad" for not attending his brother's wedding either. Sorry we couldn't crap out money to fly to Vegas and stay for a week, which we told him the second he told us they were getting married there. His brother had no problems with it. THEY chose to have the wedding there, not at home. Per his brother's words "So we could only invite who we wanted." Then the reception back home too. Again, not invited, we had moved out of state already for hubby's job promotion. We sent them a very nice wedding gift, so it wasn't like we ignored them. If it was just this horrible thing, then we would think his brother would have said something to us, but he never did. Just stupid crap really.
Thankfully my parents are still around. They treasure him. They are his family now. My husband has worked for the same company for 15 years now. He has moved up in the company as well. My parents have probably told him how proud they are of him way more then his parents ever did. It's just a shame they will never see what a wonderful man he is.
Last edited by UW Badgers; 05-26-2009 at 09:50 AM..
I was raised by my grandparents, who are both now deceased, so I have never had a relationship with my "parents". I cut off contact with my father after the death of my grandmother (his mother who raised me) because of issues with mental abuse dealt to her as well as myself and siblings (when we had the "pleasure" of his company) because I did not want my children exposed to him. And, frankly, what was the point? He didn't want to be a father for the first 30 years of my life, why did he deserve to be a grandfather to my kids?
I don't think no contact with family should be a red flag, but it should also be something that you would discuss with a significant other you began to get serious about. There are just times that parents are toxic, and it really is best for the person to cut ties altogether.
I don't think no contact with family should be a red flag, but it should also be something that you would discuss with a significant other you began to get serious about. There are just times that parents are toxic, and it really is best for the person to cut ties altogether.
Which is why I think it's important to keep an open mind. You don't know the full story and there may be a good reason why the person doesn't talk to their mother or father. But it's also something you can't just discount. What if you met someone who refused to talk to their parents because they thought they were controlling. And then you get into a relationship with them and they accuse you of doing the same thing, even though you don't think you are. Not to sound like a pop psychologist, but we're all a product of our upbringing. We're influenced in ways that we may not even be fully aware of. When a relationship of any kind falls apart, it's easy to put all the blame on the other person. And I realize that in a lot of cases, it really is one person's fault. But a lot of times, the blame belongs to both parties. I'm not saying the person who's estranged from their parent is partially responsible. But in some cases, you have to wonder, especially if you see personality traits that make you think to yourself, "I wonder if this is how she is with her father. If so, that might explain why they don't get along."
Oh, I agree, most people that need to break contact with their parents have some issues from their upbringing that they bring into their own relationships. I would say that when you become involved with someone dealing with issues like controlling (to the point of being abusive) parents, you have to be honest with them and yourself and not be afraid to say their issues are spilling over into your life unwarranted. But, I think there are times in every relationship, even ones without these kind of issues, where you need to call a reality check on each other. If it is not taken seriously by the other person, and they don't seek some sort of help, then it is time to reevaluate the relationship altogether and decide whether it is worth it.
I do understand control issues because that is exactly what happened to me as a child. I was never punished for anything I did wrong, it was all placed in a file and used later to blackmail me into doing what they wanted. It sounds ridiculous to most people, but it had a lasting effect on my ability to make friends and trust people. I was convinced that once they knew the "real me", they wouldn't want to be my friend. I figured I was too "bad" to love. It took leaving home and finally admitting those issues to someone (who later became my husband) to make me realize it was not me, it really was the way I was treated as a child, and that I was the only one that could change. They never would. So, when at the ripe old age of 30, my father tried to use "The File" against me because I would not upend my life to help him care for my grandmother, I said "Enough!" I wasn't going to let things I did in my childhood control the person I knew I was today. Also, I was afraid he would try controlling my children the same way and I would not allow that.
Now, I must confess, I have told my husband should I begin showing any signs of following in my father's footsteps, he is to immediately call me on it and protect our kids. So, I may be different than most with these issues because I am aware of them. But, I really think it would have been a disservice to me to just write me off as bad news because of the issues I faced as a child.
I hope that helps and explains a little more from the other side. No matter what, you have to do what you are comfortable with.
You can pick your friends, but not your family members. And I've met enough crazy toxic people that encountering someone who doesn't speak to a family member doesn't phase or surprise me a bit. To me, it makes sense to divorce a family member that makes you unhappy every time you associate with them.
Red flags would be if that person was obsessive in speaking ill of that family member. Otherwise, I would be more concerned with the type of friends they surround themselves with if those people were drama starters or users. That would indicate to me that they had poor people judgment skills.
I'm pretty lucky cause I get along with my parents. But over the years, I've dated a number of people who didn't. Many are no longer on speaking terms. I'm wondering what can (and should) you infer from that? Obviously, when you meet someone, you want to keep an open mind. But at the same time, you're keeping an eye out for red flags. It's hard for me to put myself in their shoes. You don't want to judge, but you can't just pretend like it's no big deal either. What's been your experience with this and how have you dealt with it? If you've never been in this situation before or if you're the one who's estranged from your parent(s), how have others reacted and what reaction do you think is fair?
Take everyone on their own merits. And it could be a sign of good mental health and the ability to rise above bad situations when someone cuts family ties. Usually there is a good reason. I'd be more concerned about someone who came from a toxic environment yet still plays into its dynamics as an adult.
if you are worried about it being a "red flag" then as you get to know someone, listen to her story. Have her tell you (without making judgements yourself, or before making judgments yourself) what her circumstances are with her family and her history and let her tell you in her own words the choices she made, and why she made them.
It can be a red flag, yes if the person is blaming their parents for everything, and lives in a place of drama, bitterness, and extremes.
It can also be a sign of a very healthy person who has worked on herself, and is now making healthy choices to stay out of toxic environments and relationships.
So context is everything. In general if the person takes responsibility for their life, their choices, their words and their actions today as an adult, they are on the healthy side of life. In general if a person has lots of drama, lives in a place of blame and complaining, and sees themself as a victim in various situations, they are on the unhealthy side, which is greater cause for concern.
I know I have heard people say "if a person refuses contact with their parents they are unhealthy" but usually those people who say that have not been through any kind of self-development, therapy, or worked on their own issues, and still live by real black-and-white judgmental thinking. Not a good sign, an unhealthy way of doing life.
I know someone who severed ties with his parents. They don't know why. I know that he's a snob and thinks the world revolves around him. He and his wife had a child that he's never let his parents see. I have no idea what,if anything, he's told the child about the missing grandparents.
I think it's ridiculous that he won't even tell his parents why he's cut them out of his life. He's very headstrong though so no amount of pleading,crying, cajoling will help. I know his parents tried to find answers but finally gave up trying to figure it out.
I think he's an adult brat and his wife is afraid to not go along with him.
Maybe he has mental issues.
I just don't think the parents should always take the brunt of why an adult son cut them off.
Personally I think he's an azzhole. Whether that's his parent's fault or not--I dunno. I know they have 2 other adult children who love them and who turned out to be fine people. the azzhole son won't even speak to his siblings. They don't know what's up either.
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