Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Does anybody out there lack a relationship with their parent/s and they do not speak with them?
My parents are just manipulative, mean alcoholic drug addicts that treat me terribly and always have. I was just curious if anybody else out there has a similar situation or another reason for not speaking to their parents.
I have not spoken to my Dad for over 19 years and have not seen my Mother for over 26 years. My father disowned me when I did not follow the established family path ( involving wealth and a lot of social nonsense such as marrying into the "right family") and my mother is a bossy, manipulative selfish, and egotistical snob. They got divorced when I was 4 and for that I am truly grateful.
I do speak to my mother about twice a year on the phone and any contact we have has been to keep my Grand-Mother ( now deceased) happy. I am civil to her but it's about it.
I just do not need toxic people in my life.
It would have been nice to have a "normal" family but I can't say I am that bothered . I am now 40 , have people in my life I love, and whose company I enjoy and families are such artificial constructs anyway. People always feel they have to love their family because of blood ties. I learnt very early on that blood ties are nothing and that one should chose to love people not feel obligated to.
Respect and love should be earned not a "given" just because someone happens to share DNA strands with you.
My parents are both gone but my father and I had MANY issues. I felt like I gave an honest effort at trying to resolve them with him before he died. But it was not to be; I've had to just accept that and move on...
Interesting that I found this particular post at this particular time in my life. My son is 19 years old & I recently ousted him from my home (along with his girlfriend & 7 month old son). It was the most difficult thing I've ever done in my life - but I know it is what's best for them & for me. That all being said, I anticipated all the negative backlash of this decision ahead of time - or so I thought. What I totally discounted was this whole notion of "the empty nest". I used to think it was a silly concept because we raise our children to be healthy independent adults, right? Well, yes, but I've recently discovered that it's entirely possible that my son will choose to no longer have a relationship with me.
OMG
I've nearly fallen to pieces. I have no earthly idea how parents survive this. I have lived the last 20 years of my life dedicated to my child & now he could choose to minus me from his life entirely! Whew, that's painful. Only time will tell.
But, on the flip side. As soon as I graduated high school I escaped my home of horrors with a quickness - never looking back. I even did a stint of homelessness - living in the basement of a church rather than going back home. I come from the ultimate of dysfunctional homes. My parents both passed within the same year when I was just 19 years old. I never had the chance to gain the wisdom & perspective that life offers us along the way.
I'd give anything to have them back again - dysfunction & all. I have also gone through a bit of a strange time realizing the pain I must have put my own parents through now that I am facing my son's independence. I find it astonishing how much we think we know until we realize that we knew nothing at all.
I was a relatively good kid, respectful, & appreciative. I never did drugs & didn't even have sex until I got pregnant with my son at age 19. But, I did break my parents' hearts. I did judge them harshly based upon little to no life experience. They were horrible in a great many ways - but I failed to put myself in their shoes in ways that would not only have benefited them - but also greatly enriched my life. I denied them & myself those months of shared experiences, growth, family, sharing, even arguing.
We often get stuck in our own narrow mindset, failing to step outside our pain, frustration, or anger & see life from the other side. That choice hurst all involved. I'd have so much to say to my parents if they were here. I'd listen so much more. I'd pay attention & care about "where they are coming from". I'd love them & accept the love they have to offer me - in what ever way they have to offer it. I'd make time for them. I'd make sure they know they matter to me & that I am grateful for each & every lesson they taught me - most especially those that were learned by walking me through the fire.
Parents aren't perfect - nor is it fair for us to expect them to be. I believe that we all do the best we can with what we have & when we know better, we do better.
I wish I had told them how much they mean... I wish I had realized - in the living years...
Location: Ohio, but moving to El Paso, TX August/September
434 posts, read 1,653,296 times
Reputation: 310
My dad lost all visitation rights when I was 10 and I haven't had a relationship with him since except for trying to contact him when I was 17 and when I was 24. I finally learned he will never change and there's no point in trying to establish a relationship with someone who clearly doesn't want me.
I haven't spoken to my mom in 6 years. She was a very bad mother and when hubby and I started discussing having kids, it made me realize that I didn't want any future kids exposed to her because if she treated them 1/10th as crappy as she treated me, then she didn't deserve to have them in her life.
My grandparents were the ones that raised me from 18 months to 13 years old, and they are deceased. My parents really didn't contribute a lot to my upbringing and I've decided it's better to not have them there than have all the negative ways they treat me.
Location: Newton, NJ (but my heart is in Tennessee)
311 posts, read 1,376,787 times
Reputation: 279
My wife does not communicate with her parents. She had an abusive childhood and they were pretty much to blame for a lot of problems. Since separating, she has been doing much better. It means our daughter not knowing her grandparents, but she feels it is better this way for everyone concerned.
Interesting that I found this particular post at this particular time in my life. My son is 19 years old & I recently ousted him from my home (along with his girlfriend & 7 month old son). It was the most difficult thing I've ever done in my life - but I know it is what's best for them & for me. That all being said, I anticipated all the negative backlash of this decision ahead of time - or so I thought. What I totally discounted was this whole notion of "the empty nest". I used to think it was a silly concept because we raise our children to be healthy independent adults, right? Well, yes, but I've recently discovered that it's entirely possible that my son will choose to no longer have a relationship with me.
OMG
I've nearly fallen to pieces. I have no earthly idea how parents survive this. I have lived the last 20 years of my life dedicated to my child & now he could choose to minus me from his life entirely! Whew, that's painful. Only time will tell.
But, on the flip side. As soon as I graduated high school I escaped my home of horrors with a quickness - never looking back. I even did a stint of homelessness - living in the basement of a church rather than going back home. I come from the ultimate of dysfunctional homes. My parents both passed within the same year when I was just 19 years old. I never had the chance to gain the wisdom & perspective that life offers us along the way.
I'd give anything to have them back again - dysfunction & all. I have also gone through a bit of a strange time realizing the pain I must have put my own parents through now that I am facing my son's independence. I find it astonishing how much we think we know until we realize that we knew nothing at all.
I was a relatively good kid, respectful, & appreciative. I never did drugs & didn't even have sex until I got pregnant with my son at age 19. But, I did break my parents' hearts. I did judge them harshly based upon little to no life experience. They were horrible in a great many ways - but I failed to put myself in their shoes in ways that would not only have benefited them - but also greatly enriched my life. I denied them & myself those months of shared experiences, growth, family, sharing, even arguing.
We often get stuck in our own narrow mindset, failing to step outside our pain, frustration, or anger & see life from the other side. That choice hurst all involved. I'd have so much to say to my parents if they were here. I'd listen so much more. I'd pay attention & care about "where they are coming from". I'd love them & accept the love they have to offer me - in what ever way they have to offer it. I'd make time for them. I'd make sure they know they matter to me & that I am grateful for each & every lesson they taught me - most especially those that were learned by walking me through the fire.
Parents aren't perfect - nor is it fair for us to expect them to be. I believe that we all do the best we can with what we have & when we know better, we do better.
I wish I had told them how much they mean... I wish I had realized - in the living years...
That was beautifully said....I commend you. Just wish I could give you rep points but I'm out for 24 hours. I sincerely believe your parents both know what you are feeling today, and you must feel some peace knowing what you know now and understanding some of us never come to appreciate what you've been able to....and your situation with your son? Well, it really sounds like you had to do what needed to be done for both of you to grow and appreciate each other more. Just love him, as I'm sure you do, hopefully soon enough he will appreciate that your actions were indeed out of love..........
The responses that I have received to my post have been interesting. I know there is often the feeling that you should always talk with your parents because they are your family, they are your blood. At what point though should you draw the line?
My parents have been emotionally abusive to me for my entire life. They have chosen to drink, do drugs among other things. They have hurt me so many times and done so many awful things that other people in my life wonder why I have continued speaking with them. I know that they are my parents and they have made mistakes, but I guess I feel that there is a point where their problems are taking away from me living a happy and healthy life. I have tried to stick by them for so long and it has just reached a point where I cannot do that anymore. I have tried to help with the drinking and other problems and they never try to help themselves so it never gets any better.
My husband has seen the effects that they have had on me over the years. We have been married 4 yrs and I am still explaining to him some of the things that went on when I was growing up. The thing about it is that it has not stopped. If they would change I would be happy to invite them into my life and forgive the bad things that happened, but I really do not feel like they will ever change.
My parents are both gone but my father and I had MANY issues. I felt like I gave an honest effort at trying to resolve them with him before he died. But it was not to be; I've had to just accept that and move on...
I don't know about that. I made serious errors in thought & judgment regarding my father while he was alive. He passed before I was old enough or wise enough to work through it with him. But, through time, prayer, & reflection & after 10 years - I developed a very good relationship with my pops.
Yes, it's all on a spiritual level - but that is not to be discounted. My father was never given a burial or any sort of honour paid to him at his passing. He was a veteran of WWII & was wounded twice in battle. I made arrangements for a full military burial for him (as he was cremated) 10 full years after his death. I notified all of my siblings (9 living at the time) & wrote a eulogy for him.
I made my peace with my father by honouring the full truth of who he was - the good, the bad, & the ugly (there was plenty of the latter two - but in reflection - also enough of the former to celebrate). His memorial was attended by me, my son, & (oddly enough) my ex-husband.
It's always better to be done in the living years - but when that isn't an option - it really is never too late. We talk often - although it's me doing all the yammering (lol) & I cherish the reflective respect, love, appreciation, & admiration I've been able to develop for my pops. Don't rob yourself of that wonderful blessing - start now!
Here's a link to the eulogy I wrote for my pops:
(it's very personal so please don't be critical)
Page One:
Daddy's Eulogy Page One on Flickr - Photo Sharing! (http://www.flickr.com/photos/i_am_phoenix_rising/1251217059/ - broken link)
Page Two:
Daddy's Eulogy Page Two on Flickr - Photo Sharing! (http://www.flickr.com/photos/i_am_phoenix_rising/1251217375/in/photostream/ - broken link)
All the best to you...
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I sincerely believe your parents both know what you are feeling today, and you must feel some peace knowing what you know now and understanding some of us never come to appreciate what you've been able to....and your situation with your son? Well, it really sounds like you had to do what needed to be done for both of you to grow and appreciate each other more. Just love him, as I'm sure you do, hopefully soon enough he will appreciate that your actions were indeed out of love..........
Never Too Late...
