People Who No Longer Talk To Parent(s) (adults, personality, abuse)
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i am someone who for decades had no contact with my parents. it is interesting to watch people's reactions and response to this when I am dating. In the same way the opening post person might use it as a screening tool to look for red flags, I too use it as a screening tool.
So I watch very carefully how someone responds, what he says, his attitudes towards me, the questions he asks, when I tell him I have no contact with my parents and brother. I need to be with someone who has a level of health and self-development himself that includes valuing setting good boundaries, and how to behave around toxic people, relationships, and situations.
I refuse contact with my parents because they are long-time members of a hurtful, abusive religious cult. After I left their house at age 18, I tried to maintain contact but every time I let them visit, or talked to them on the phone, they would spend the entire time berating me for being evil, lost, a satan-worshipper, and hell-bound. When I had my first child (at age 19) I decided to cut them out of my life until they could behave. I put my foot down, set out the parameters under which they were allowed to contact me, and what they were not allowed to say to me when they did.
They broke the rules several times, until I just said enough. I couldn't have that repressive, brainwashed fundie lifestyle around my kids. I don't remember the last time I talked to my parents. It's at least eight or nine years at this point, and before that was at least another six or eight. *shrug*
It's their fault, they know my house rules and they won't follow them.
In the same way the opening post person might use it as a screening tool to look for red flags, I too use it as a screening tool.
And it's a good tool for you to use. Just like the single mother who pays attention to how a guy reacts when he first learns that she has children. Some people are quick to judge, but I choose to give people the benefit of the doubt when I first meet them. Someone could tell me they don't speak with their parents and I'd wonder why. But I'd also assume there must be a good reason. At the same time, however, I wouldn't just brush it off as something trivial and I think the other person has to realize that. I'm not saying they have to feel the need to explain themselves to everyone they meet. But they should at least be aware of what people might think and that they'll naturally be curious.
My husband has had no contact with his birth father since he was 11 yrs old. He calls him the "sperm donor". He said that he witnessed his father beating his mom when he was a kid. When she left him, he decided he did not want a relationship with the jerk.
Just like the single mother who pays attention to how a guy reacts when he first learns that she has children. Some people are quick to judge, but I choose to give people the benefit of the doubt when I first meet them. Someone could tell me they don't speak with their parents and I'd wonder why. But I'd also assume there must be a good reason. At the same time, however, I wouldn't just brush it off as something trivial and I think the other person has to realize that.
That sounds like a sane and sensible and mature and healthy approach. And as two people who are dating get to know each other, it is a perfectly reasonable and important topic to discuss. Simply asking questions and listening is a valuable way of showing interest and getting to know each other better, just like discussing money or sex or past initimate relationships, any of the areas that are important for people who are dating and moving towards intimacy, and want to make a well-informed choice in that arena.
It increases my respect for someone when he asks interested questions about my life, my past, including relationships with my parents, and my grown children. What he asks, how he responds, how he listens, all are valuable indicators for me of his character.
I'm pretty lucky cause I get along with my parents. But over the years, I've dated a number of people who didn't. Many are no longer on speaking terms. I'm wondering what can (and should) you infer from that? Obviously, when you meet someone, you want to keep an open mind. But at the same time, you're keeping an eye out for red flags. It's hard for me to put myself in their shoes. You don't want to judge, but you can't just pretend like it's no big deal either. What's been your experience with this and how have you dealt with it? If you've never been in this situation before or if you're the one who's estranged from your parent(s), how have others reacted and what reaction do you think is fair?
What?
I'd think for quite good reasons, a person can refuse to talk with their parents.
i despise my parents, since i know in my heart they they're evil. Does this make me a bad person?
My father is a jacka-- who has never made much of an effort anyway and I cut ties with my mother last year, because she is a very toxic person.
While I don't know my father (or where he is even), I tried to have a relationship with my mother, despite the problems between us in the past. However, she basically turned on my wife and dragged my wife into her deep-seeded "issues" with me and that was just the final straw.
I don't hate either of my parents and I'm not bitter, but I had to let go. There's too much bad blood and too many mistakes have been made on both sides to go back now. Of course, I hope they have a long and happy life, but we will not cross paths again.
well I dont talk to my mother or my father . My mother cared no more for me than a stray animal and she let me know it ,by several of her actions . My husband knows that I will not talk to them and he is okay with it and has never told me to make amends cause his sister is the same way and he does not talk to her . Does it makes us bad people no it does not . My parents are hatefull . My mother is the abusive one and my dad insists on staying married to her and defending her so as long as he does that he allienates his kids . I think you should accept a persons relationships with their parents for what it is cause you dont know what caused it . they could be justified in it .
Sometimes it takes a lot more energy (and anger) to cut someone off than to speak to them now and again.
Or it means your freedom and sanity.
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