People Who No Longer Talk To Parent(s) (disappointment, aging, money)
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I have shared a small amount of information about the relationship I have with my mother and it has never been easy. Last week, after 5+ years of not seeing one another (and living in the same city) we drove 11 hours in a car together to attend her fathers funeral...
The time, space and maturity we gained over the past 5 years helped tremendously. Somehow we focused on the important aspects of our trip, attempted to slowly reconnect on a very guarded level and perhaps, we will have a relationship one day.
Hanging on to the anger and pain took too much energy for me...
This post was not meant to negate anyone elses painful experiences...I completely understand the need for long term, if not permanent space and respect those of you who need the time to heal and protect yourselves...I hope there is peace in your decisions and a new sense of self.
This happened to me with one of my grown children but it didn't last as long as five years. What I think happens sometimes is if there is an absence and a situation later brings people together, the people involved have missed something in the other and don't want to repeat past mistakes and become more considerate of each other. Hopefully people will grow to that point and learn something if each cares enough about the other vs. more about himself/herself.
this thread isn't about siblings......it's about parents. Siblings.............a whole other thing
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lindsey_Mcfarren
For those of you that raise an eyebrow to those of us who do not deal with our families, I have to tell you maybe thats the case because you haven't experienced some of the true hell the rest of us have.
One thing I will never do is allow someone to drag me through hell merely because of obligation.
My obligation is my daughter and my life. Thats where it ends and begins.
My life and that of my sister was threatened over Christmas when I was home visiting family. My brother actually came after us with a loaded shotgun. If you haven't lived that kind of thing then you really don't get it.
When I look at people who are too weak to throw out the trash and move on, I run in the opposite direction. Life is short and there is NO reason to let these people harm you. I for one don't like being abused, verbally and physically. If you guys like it then have at it but I won't join in.
again it's a parents thread. Let us not confuse the 2. There was a sibling thread going on elsewhere
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lindsey_Mcfarren
My sister does this too me and anyone else who happens to be in her cross hares. She is hyper verbal on the phone, she calls in the evening to spew her emotional vomit AND writes emails and more emails and more emails with no regard to the effect they have on the person receiving them.
She has done this too me when she knew I was at work, when she knew I was at school, when she knows I always have a hard time sleeping. I have gotten good at just not reading them. Turning off the answering machine and not answering the phone, thank goodness for caller ID.
I do not see it as a red flag if someone does not have a relationship with their parents. IMO sometimes there are adults still too involved with their parents and living their lives to please them. These people should not bother having a relationship. When you have a marriage it is about pleasing and living for your SPOUSE not your PARENTS. I repeat your SPOUSE is now priority not your PARENTS. Sometimes parents do not understand this concept and expect you to still be their child and obedient and follow their ways and that can destroy your marriage..... thus it is necessary to cut them out of your lives.
A red flag is something that would cause you to run away. If someone doesn't have a relationship with their parents, it shouldn't be seen as a red flag, nor should it be seen as something trivial. As for adults who are too involved with their parents and show no independence, I agree. These people should not be in a relationship until they've finished growing up. And parents need to learn when to let their children live their own lives, even if it's not the one they would've preferred.
Quote:
Originally Posted by DreamWeavin
you need to grow up,mature or grow a heart. Unless there is abuse,drug use, alcohol abuse or something even worse--you don't just cut parents out of your life.
One's parents should be a priority and treated with respect. If you marry someone, you too should treat your in'laws with respect.
Cut them out of your lives indeed!
Parents don't cease to be parents just because their children are grown. Not every little thing they do needs to be analyzed and held over their heads as grounds for "do it our way or we'll cut you off!" that is wrong wrong wrong.
In probably 75% of the cases I've seen first hand, it is the daughter'nlaw who begins pointing out the little things to the husband about his parents. The little things become HUGE things, then the DIL is delighted when her in'laws are expelled from her life.
The bottom line is that you have no idea why someone is no longer speaking to their parents. And in some cases, you may never know the whole story. But I do agree that some people (and I'm not singling out anyone here) are too quick to cut off ties. The 'controlling' label gets thrown around a lot. What I've found is that in some cases, the child accuses the parent of being controlling when really the parent is just giving advice. I know a woman like this. When her mother-in-law gives advice, she sees it as controlling. So she complains to her husband, who then sides with his wife and agrees to distance himself from his family. Obviously, the problem there is the husband's lack of a spine. But his wife needs to resolve her issues and not be so sensitive to someone else offering help. It shows a lack of self-esteem on her part.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lindsey_Mcfarren
For those of you that raise an eyebrow to those of us who do not deal with our families, I have to tell you maybe thats the case because you haven't experienced some of the true hell the rest of us have.
You're right. We haven't experienced it. As the OP, that's why I posted this thread. Obviously, if you're someone who cut off ties with a family member, you didn't so casually. A lot had to happen for it to ever reach that point. But it has to raise an eyebrow on the rest of us. When you meet someone and discover they don't talk to their parents, how can it not make you sit up?
what your post sounds like is that you need to get down on your knees and pray to God for forgiveness. While doing so, ask God to allow you to forgive too.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sskkc
Most of you whiney, woe is me, spoiled brats on here probably didn't get enough discipline as children.
Hmmm. Whiney, spoiled brat. That's what mom used to say.
My scars tell a different story.
In the end, she's getting what she deserves. She is not even 60 yet, lives in nursing home, gets visitors rarely and sits around watching reality shows all day long.
People always ask me if I miss the money and I always reply that when it comes with so many condtions and caveats it's not worth it
Exactly what I'm thinking.
My father's family was old nobility from 16th district, the funny side of their snobishness though was their pronounced Anglomania but fortunately my mother was not like them (more in the artisty circles) so I escaped the rallies , the raoûts and wearing ugly blazers and Weston shoes and grew long hair smoked pot became a leftist traveled to the STATES
I became an Archaeologist, am living in sin with a Yorkshireman , spent 3 years travelling around the States ( most of it paying my way with fairly menial jobs ) and am living in a tiny cottage with no servants ( ) , which is enough to give my family aplopexy !
Our family on my mother's side has been traced to the 14th century ( the Family Chateau in Inland Provence has gone to another side of the family now) so imagine 6 centuries of snobbishness and class superiority ....
Absolute hell. 600 years of looking down your nose at other people. Brrrrrr.
Believe me unless you went to school to the "Couvent des Oiseaux" in Paris ( which my father wisely got me out of after a term when I threatened to do something drastic) you don't know the meaning of snob .
Being a girl I had to do the meat market, the debutante balls, finishing school in Switzerland the whole shebang... I managed to escape the "Cordon Bleu" school thank goodness as I was never going to be that domesticated.
I actually quite like navy blazers but as I said you can't take all the BCBG out of a girl !
Did you use to have to sit at a special childrens' table for dinner if there were other children ? I remember that with a shudder.
My Grand-Mother's family Doctor ( who was only about 30 ) used to always kiss our hands which seemed sweet in a way but so incredibly "ancien regime".
I miss my Grand-Mother very much because she unlike her daughter was brought up well enough to treat all people with respect and dignity regardless of class or background which to me is what class truly is about.
what your post sounds like is that you need to get down on your knees and pray to God for forgiveness. While doing so, ask God to allow you to forgive too.
I prayed about it with my mom. That she would know the pain.
She was brought her karma.
I think its absolutely crappy to slam people in a thread where there is so much sensitive info shared. You were not there. You do not know.
And if you had even the basic grasp of what a narcissistic abusive parent is you would feel ashamed for even attacking people like this.
I do think it is a red flag for the simple matter of that crap f**** you up and for years. So you have to ask yourself if that is what you want. In real relationships there are good and bad things. Its who you are that makes you be able to deal with it.
I cut my parents off too. I told them for 10 years to c.t.s. on all the things they would do. At home it was constant and at a distance it was also constant.
What REALLY even made me be able to see what it was doing to me was other people asking "whats wrong" after I spoke to them again and again.
And then the fact they could not control themselves to be normal.
Its all built up and they deny they even do anything like most abusers and then turn it around as an attack like seen within this thread.
It's just hard to take someone that's under 21 seriously that says they hate their parents and they sever ties. At that age, the only way you're supporting yourself is by doing something kinda...questionable, unless you just get lucky.
I think a lot of people who say their parents have problems are usually the ones with the problem. Every chick I have dated that severed ties with her parents, straight ****ed in the head, man. My mom still bugs the hell out of me at age 31, but I let her know where she stands as far as decision making.
lol, and how do you think these chicks got F'ed in the head in the first place?
Healthy, kind, responsible parents rarely have children who are F'ed up. Did you know all of the Personality Disorders are created by bad parenting?
and to the people who say that cutting off your parents is callous or whatever, you have no idea what you're talking about. Saying that is like saying an abortion is easy to go get. NO. It takes a lot of thinking, soul searching and planning and can be emotionally draining. You don't just wake up one day and say F my parents. It takes a LOT of abuse from them to get to that point.
I basically think there's two modalities of bad parenting.
The first kind are the type that help their children gain a sense of self and have good self-esteem, but the parents have issues and act inappropriately. Because the children (now adults) have good self-esteem, they can let the ways of their crazy parents roll of their backs. People from these kinds of parents think that everyone's parents are crazy in the same ways their parents are crazy and can't understand why other people cut themselves off from their parents.
The second type are parents who never help a child develop a sense of who they are much less help them build their self-esteem. People raised by these kinds of parents have to start from scratch in figuring out who they are and what the point of living is, anyway, if the don't have people in their lives from the beginning who really love them. When you couple that with abuse from the parents, there really is no foundation (sense of trust, respect, kindness) on which to build the relationship. If the parent continues to act crazy and abusive towards their child, it knocks down the foundation the child is trying to build for themselves (because no one knows how to push your buttons quite like your parents), so the only way these people can save themselves is to completely cut themselves off from their parents.
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