People Who No Longer Talk To Parent(s)

[victorianpunk]

Originally Posted by DennyCrane

I'm pretty lucky cause I get along with my parents. But over the years, I've dated a number of people who didn't. Many are no longer on speaking terms. I'm wondering what can (and should) you infer from that? Obviously, when you meet someone, you want to keep an open mind. But at the same time, you're keeping an eye out for red flags. It's hard for me to put myself in their shoes. You don't want to judge, but you can't just pretend like it's no big deal either. What's been your experience with this and how have you dealt with it? If you've never been in this situation before or if you're the one who's estranged from your parent(s), how have others reacted and what reaction do you think is fair?

Well, my "mother" told my father to take a hike when I was seven, and then became a alcholic....ohh, because my father forbid her to drink when they were together, she claimed he "abused her" by forbidding her alcohol around me

Anyway, my father was kicked to the curb, and she drank, and drank, and drank.... She also began to use drugs, and when I was eleven years old she shot heroine with me in the room like I wasn't there. She sent my father to jail on several occasions for being late on child support (ignoring the fact that he has lost his job), which she then used to buy drugs and booze, leaving me malnourished. She then began to physically abuse ALLOT...one day, she stabbed me in my shoulder with a dull needle she was using to shoot up with.

Anyway, when I was eleven I was sent to live with my father, who also had some issues ( he had two girlfriends, neither of whom know about eacthother) but still, he took care of me....as horrable as it sounds, once, after he was laid off, he did this "sob story" routine on both girlfriends to get money to pay the rent and buy me food and school clothes. Awful...but hillarious at the same time

With my father, even though we were poor, I was always taken care of.

So, I have not spoken to my "mother" for about fifteen years, and I tell people she's dead. If I said, "were estranged" people would argue, and argue, so I just say "she's dead" and leave it at that.

Thing that I have noticed is...if someone's mother beat them, didn't feed them and spent the grocery money on booze and drugs, neglected them, yelled at them, and all around acted in a criminal manner towards the kids, people say "well, that's still your mother!"

BUT, if someone is not speaking to their father who gave them the world and took good care of them their whole life but refused to give them 5,000 for a Spring Break trip to Cancun, then people are like "it's okay, the dead beat! How dare he treat you like that!"

It does indeed take more then ejaculating to be a father...and it also takes more then getting pregnant and letting a doctor not you out and yank a baby out of you to be a mother, and that's what people need to understand, which is why I really never had a mother and will never say "my 'mother'" without quotes.



So, as you can see, I have good reason to never speak to her again.

[Aylalou]

Originally Posted by Mooseketeer

I agree, there are plenty of reasons why kids are not only entitled to ahte their parents but right to do so.

Abuse also comes in very different packages from sexual and physical to the less obvious mental and psychological abuse which is just as damaging in many ways.

I have never understood why some people believe that somehow parents are owed respect regardless of what they do to you.

Parents are supposed to love and respect you and want the best for you. If they treat you like garbage and diminish you at every turn, beat you, rape and molest you and make you feel small and stupid all the time then really what's there to love.

We give Parents a free-pass in our society simply because they have given us birth which seems ludicrous.

I agree with all of the above.

[ILikeSmartHippies]

Originally Posted by ZugZub

I refuse contact with my parents because they are long-time members of a hurtful, abusive religious cult.

Mine too! catholicism! Can't stand it. So I don't talk to them. Though they email me about once a month and sometimes I reply quickly. Also they only enjoy talking about bad news, and some of the life choices they make are trainwrecks, which is surprising they are supposedly both high IQ. So, horrible religion + bad personality + mild trainwreck life = I don't want to talk to them (and I feel no obligation to do so either, after hundreds of chances).

Some girlfriends have had a problem with this, either routinely bringing up that they want to meet my parents, or saying that such-and-such problem I have is maybe because I don't talk to them. Though that's grasping I think, and these girls are just trying to peg something on me for various reasons of their own.

If others feel that "it's bad not to talk to your parents" I would consider that their own problem, not mine.

Watch out for catholicism kids! It'll ruin ya!

[ILikeSmartHippies]

Originally Posted by NeilVA

My sister cut off speaking to our mother in 1995. She would not tell her mother why. She also cut off speaking to me because I was still speaking to mom. Mom died last year due to complications from C (dad has already past). She didn't even bother to come to the funeral. To this date I still don't know why. Other family members have called to ask why and she just states that it hurts too much to talk about it and hangs up. I won't even go into her two daughters who are now in thier 30's and I've had no contact with them either. So here is my question - Why?? And here's another kink mom in the end cut her out of most of the will. My sister is now fighting with me (through the lawyer) because she feels she diddn't get her fair share of the estate. Heres a common term that most people know - kutspa.

What I infer from the last couple sentences is that you were the kissy-a* kid playing nice, in order to get the inheritance. This is definitely a one-sided view of the situation. However kissing-a* to the parents is obviously done for purely financial reasons in a lot of situations. Without any finances, would people behave the same? That's the question to ask. I wonder why you consider that your sister doesn't somehow "deserve" some part of the estate. You grew up together, correct? And after ~18 years of that, or some time later, she cut off contact. Doesn't that imply that she should get at least 18% of her normal allotment? If you're going by time? Otherwise, how can you put any math equation on inheritance... he who sticks around the longest gets the pie?? That is just as ridiculous as bailing early and demanding 100% for nothing.

[jastam12345]

It is certainly not a requirement to like anyone, even a parent! It is certainly not a requirement or a "must" to maintain a relationship with a parent, especially if maintaining a relationship with the parent is keeping you from keeping yourself healthy. However, if you are a unhealthy person who has not sought your own healing for the difficulties in your life and you are simply blaming your parent for your mental anguish or mental illness and not getting the help that you really need, then I would say, what a shame! There are so many people who I meet that are simply not talking with their parent because they do not want to hear the excellent advice given by them and they are merely running. I see so much hatred, discord, lack of compassion, uncaring, non-support in families these days that it makes me really sick to my stomach. I would do anything to have my mother back on this earth and when she was living I did anything to make her life comfortable. I did not always agree with her, however I listened and respected her. As an adult, I called her every day just to see what she needed and I supported her. My father was an alcoholic and never took care of me and I still went looking for him. My stepfather was an abuser, and I still did not hate him, I prayed for him. What has happened to this society?

[thesefourwalls]

These threads invariably have someone coming in saying that those of us who have chosen to distance ourselves from our parents are the ones who need to get on our knees and pray for forgivness. I really don't think you are going to change our minds; these decisions don't come lightly. Likely most of us have done our fair share of praying already.

For anyone struggling with Honoring Thy Mother and Father here is a bit of educated, well reasoned and thought out reading on the subject:

Honour Thy Father And Thy Mother

http://www.luke173ministries.org/537996