People Who No Longer Talk To Parent(s) (siblings, relatives, grandmother)
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I'm pretty lucky cause I get along with my parents. But over the years, I've dated a number of people who didn't. Many are no longer on speaking terms. I'm wondering what can (and should) you infer from that? Obviously, when you meet someone, you want to keep an open mind. But at the same time, you're keeping an eye out for red flags. It's hard for me to put myself in their shoes. You don't want to judge, but you can't just pretend like it's no big deal either. What's been your experience with this and how have you dealt with it? If you've never been in this situation before or if you're the one who's estranged from your parent(s), how have others reacted and what reaction do you think is fair?
There are many wise posts to this thread...often people don't show their real side to people they barely know. You must live with someone daily before you know their true character.
In my own family, we are very divided. I let go of my mother 16 years ago...she continued to be verbally abusive about my younger sister. I could no longer listen to it. My family has many problems. I have done therapy and grown, they have not.
We all need to do whatever we need to do for ourselves. No one can make these decisions for us. A therapist can help, but even a therapist can't really tell someone what to do.
And it's a good tool for you to use. Just like the single mother who pays attention to how a guy reacts when he first learns that she has children. Some people are quick to judge, but I choose to give people the benefit of the doubt when I first meet them. Someone could tell me they don't speak with their parents and I'd wonder why. But I'd also assume there must be a good reason. At the same time, however, I wouldn't just brush it off as something trivial and I think the other person has to realize that. I'm not saying they have to feel the need to explain themselves to everyone they meet. But they should at least be aware of what people might think and that they'll naturally be curious.
Who is to say a person must love their parents? Or any family member?
I am seriously considering cutting off all contact with my mom and dad. Why? Well it's a long list in truth, but my life would be better off without them.
I make it a point not to associate with people with shady ethics, and they certainly fit that bill. I don't think they actually care about me, so I don't care about them. Life is reciprocal, no?
My sister cut off speaking to our mother in 1995. She would not tell her mother why. She also cut off speaking to me because I was still speaking to mom. Mom died last year due to complications from C (dad has already past). She didn't even bother to come to the funeral. To this date I still don't know why. Other family members have called to ask why and she just states that it hurts too much to talk about it and hangs up. I won't even go into her two daughters who are now in thier 30's and I've had no contact with them either. So here is my question - Why?? And here's another kink mom in the end cut her out of most of the will. My sister is now fighting with me (through the lawyer) because she feels she diddn't get her fair share of the estate. Heres a common term that most people know - kutspa.
I'm pretty lucky cause I get along with my parents. But over the years, I've dated a number of people who didn't. Many are no longer on speaking terms. I'm wondering what can (and should) you infer from that? Obviously, when you meet someone, you want to keep an open mind. But at the same time, you're keeping an eye out for red flags. It's hard for me to put myself in their shoes. You don't want to judge, but you can't just pretend like it's no big deal either. What's been your experience with this and how have you dealt with it? If you've never been in this situation before or if you're the one who's estranged from your parent(s), how have others reacted and what reaction do you think is fair?
Given the horrible Mothers of some of the guys I have dated, I would see it as an upside myself.
Parents try to teach us that they are always right and there is NEVER a good reason to part company with them. Thats just not reality.
Every situation is different, not being in touch with ones parents could mean alot of things, one of them being that their parents are nut jobs and this person is trying to save what sanity they have left by distancing themselves from them.
It's more important in dating someone looking at the work they have done on themselves in the self-growth department, than who they are talking to in their family or not.
There are many wise posts to this thread...often people don't show their real side to people they barely know. You must live with someone daily before you know their true character.
Exactly. When you're dating, you only see the person they want you to see. So when you learn that they don't talk to their mother or father anymore, the bottom line is you don't know the full story or you're only hearing one side of it. Just like if you met someone who's divorced. They could tell you their ex was a horrible person, but you don't know. All you have is their word. It's only natural to be curious. At the same time, you have to accept that there will be certain questions you'll never have the answer to. By itself, you can just overlook it. But it's only later on when you see personality traits that make you wonder if this is why they no longer speak with their parents.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tzaphkiel
It's more important in dating someone looking at the work they have done on themselves in the self-growth department, than who they are talking to in their family or not.
Unless the latter is evidence that they haven't done the former. The person may have a very good reason for not talking to their family. But usually people exhibit some kind of growth afterwards. If I have a big falling out with a friend or if I break up with someone, even if it was the other person's fault, I should at least learn something from the experience. If I don't, then what does that say about me?
Sometimes it takes a lot more energy (and anger) to cut someone off than to speak to them now and again.
In the case of my family, if you open the door just an inch, they shove it open and become overly embroiled in my life. At the moment my sister has gotten my neighbor to report to her what I am doing. I know that sounds paranoid of me but I also have proof its true.
I'm pretty lucky cause I get along with my parents. But over the years, I've dated a number of people who didn't. Many are no longer on speaking terms. I'm wondering what can (and should) you infer from that? Obviously, when you meet someone, you want to keep an open mind. But at the same time, you're keeping an eye out for red flags. It's hard for me to put myself in their shoes. You don't want to judge, but you can't just pretend like it's no big deal either. What's been your experience with this and how have you dealt with it? If you've never been in this situation before or if you're the one who's estranged from your parent(s), how have others reacted and what reaction do you think is fair?
Not having your parents in your life anymore is painful. If I were with someone who chose to acknowledge and work through that pain, I would consider being romantically involved with that person. However, way too many people deny that they're in pain due to the severed relationships with their parents and angrily say things like, "Whatever. I don't need them anymore" and think they mean it, but they really don't. They may not need them financially, but they miss them emotionally. People who can't admit what's really going on with them sublimate these issues into other relationships in their life and keep trying to solve them through recreation. I would not be with someone like this.
And when I say parents, I mean the people who were first in your life who were responsible for raising you. Obviously, if you've had foster parents who were great, you probably transferred the parenting role over to them in your mind, so you may not feel any animosity towards your biological parents because you stop seeing them as "your parents" and see them as just people. However, some kids do not make the transfer in their minds and feel completely out of touch with everyone, both their biological and adoptive parents.
Not having your parents in your life anymore is painful.
And for a whole lot of people, having your parents IN your life is not only painful, but also dangerous, destructive, toxic, and violent. In those situations it is foolish to stay in contact.
If a person is unable to believe or accept that it can be healthy to be OUT OF CONTACT with parents, then that person has a limited narrow range of thinking, and is unwilling or unable to honor someone else's experience of life, and to me they are not good relationship material for me to be intimate with.
Last edited by Tzaphkiel; 06-02-2009 at 09:29 AM..
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