At dinners where the same people never help pay the bill (attractive, abuse)
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Many of you are calling her, the Ops Mil but I thought it was the mil to her dh brother, however, that is a minor point, I do understand being unhappy with money going out, I used to get so mad at my sil, she was always calling on the phone, looking to "borrow" money, this went on for months, until we told her we could no longer afford it ( it was not small amounts of money, it did affect our finances.) Now he still gives her cash for birthdays & Christmas, & for a while I objected, as the niece is now an adult, & I don't feel we should be treating her as a child. However, it became a bad point in our marriage & I realized, part of my problem with him giving her money, was a control issue. So now I let it go, it makes him happy to give her small amounts & it is not worth the trouble in our otherwise happy marriage, to argue over small amounts of money. I also realized, he has the right to spend some money in the way he wants, & I don't have to agree with it. So let it go.
However, regarding his adult brother, is he special needs? I can understand doing his laundry if he is mentally or physically incapable, but if he is not, then he needs to use a local launderette. That is pathetic.
I agree with eastcoast. This has just become a tradition for them that im just forced to be a part of. I hate dealing with them every weekend for 4 to 5 weeks, i hate paying for all their meals for a dinner the whole time theyre here and on top of that probably over 1k is spent on xmas gifts for them. And as I mentioned she will be back in april and again in june.
I am from a different kind of family i guess. My parents would never stick us with the bill continuously and be a burden. Unfortunately i think of her, her boyfriend and the 35 year old brother as a burden.
My husband has mentioned before that she could die soon. She is 70...she could easily live another 10 to 20 years. My holidays are ruined. I used to enjoy christmas. Now it's just become a season of dealing with his laxy family.
Putting up with this for even one more event is too much, because it has gone on for so long now. What's the worst thing that could happen? They will stop visiting with you? If that's the outcome, you got your answer that the only reason they were spending time with you is because it wasn't costing them anything.
Consider writing each of them a note and explain you can no longer host them when they come to visit, and list the company names and phone numbers for several Residence Inn type of places in the area that should work out for them. If they decide not to even bother visiting the area, then that will clearly show they were using you folks as a free hotel. If they press you for a reason why, simply say having guests is too disruptive to your household, and you feel they would be more comfortable staying elsewhere.
They are family, and as family they should treat you better than they would treat friends. Not be abusive.
OP, your husband is a very generous man. Some people show their love by gift giving and others don't. To me, gifts don't mean much - not to give and not to receive. I really couldn't care less about giving gifts or getting them - to me, they all just seem like a hassle. I'd rather spend quality time with someone any day.
Anyway, back to your husband - I bet you wouldn't want his basic personality trait - generosity - to change. I bet he is very generous to you and your kids as well.
I doubt that you can change this in him. Apparently this is how he shows his family he loves them. Yes, I also think that there's a part of his psyche that is trying to prove to his family that he's as "good as they are" and that he can "afford to be so generous," but that's also very deeply engrained in him.
You stated that he makes about the same amount of money per year as his other brother. You assume that the other brother works less and gets bonuses, but honestly, that sounds petty. I worked in finance for several years in a management capacity (sounds like your BIL has a management level job) and I did not work 40 hour weeks - it was always at least 50 hours a week. And bonuses were not guaranteed and had a lot of strings attached. Sometimes I got them, sometimes I didn't.
Anyway, like others have pointed out - the inlaws aren't staying with you for a month at a time. Personally I think that's strange behavior and NO houseguests are welcome in my house for a month unless there's some sort of family emergency. But at least you're not hosting them - the other brother is. That's costly.
I think unless the financial load really is actually hurting your family, you ought to back off. Notice that I did not say you ought not say anything to your husband. But it sounds to me as if you have already done that. No need to get shrill or make ultimatums or create a crisis.
I don't agree. The husband isn't being generous, he's being intimidated into all this by the family. The fact they don't even listen or care what the OP has to say in any of this is proof. If the husband was so generous, he would care if his wife was happy first. The husband has a fear that he will be cut-off from the family if he didn't take their abuse. This is not a healthy situation, and action needs to be taken.
OP, has it occured to you that your husband needs to save face with his family because he does make less money than his brother? From a man's perspective, quibbling over the bill will be the same as admitting that he isn't as well off as they are. You are insisting that he emasculate himself in front of his family.
I agree that your husband's family is inconsiderate. Definitely. Some families have 'culture' that others will never understand. You aren't going to change them.
You need to come up with a different way to approach this problem rather than head on. You are alienating your husband and coming off as shrill and shrewish. If this is an important expenditure to him, so be it. I'm sure you have some priorities for money he doesn't agree with for reasons that sound equally unfair to him.
I have a different story, but a similar result. I nickle and dimed my husband to death, and embarrassed him quite a lot in the process. His family also had a culture I could not relate to. I wish I could do it over again and let him have his dignity. The back lash from me insisting that things be just or even turned out to be not worth the cost.
There is a real double-standard for women and I hate this so much. Why is the OP, because she's a woman described as the possibly of turning shrill and shrewish? If this was reversed and it was her family doing all this, no one would accuse the husband of being shrill and shrewish. How very insulting, and oddly enough the criticisms I suspect are coming from other women. Not from men who weren't raised any better, but women who think unless the OP is going to be smiling all the time and a total push-over for his abusive family, she is somehow being a b****. No, just plain no.
I'm a husband, and if something is bothering my wife, I want to know it. She comes first always. Above friends and family members. If she isn't happy about something, I want to know about it so I can help fix it. At the risk of sounding chauvinistic, this is what a husband is supposed to do, and I don't mind being though of as a jerk because society accepts that from men. As proof, the idiots just voted one in!
I totally agree, convextech. Nobody would stand for the level of contempt you are showing towards their family - at least not anyone I know. My husband would NEVER put up with it. Nor would I. If you feel this much hatred towards his family, why in the name of all that's holy did you two even get married?
And you too, are missing the point of the OP's posting and concern completely. If you think the OP should continue paying for $300 dinners, are you offering to send in money to offset this? No, certainly you aren't.
If he doesn't have a problem paying for the family, let him. Maybe he feels it keeps him on an equal footing with his financially "more successful" brother.
And when the OP and her husband continue to work until they are in their 80s because they couldn't retire...no, this needs to stop now. The OP and husband are being abused here and you want it to continue because it isn't your money.
You haven't said one positive thing about anyone in his family from your first post on.
You know, if they lived down the road (so they saw family frequently at no cost or inconvenience) and restaurant bill was every month, I'd be more supportive. But that's not the case. You came here and asked if you were being petty. Yes you are.
OK, let's just stop right there. You must see yourself and feel entitled for someone else always paying for you and putting up with your abuse. The OP is not going to accept this abuse and wants to do something about it. That's abundantly clear from the original post.
It doesn't matter what other people do. The OP doesn't want to run a hotel for family, which is perfectly understandable. You did this and it worked out fine, so you think, for your family, then power to you. But the OP is unhappy and wants to change it. No everyone has to be living exactly as you do.
Then you need to have a real sit down conversation with your husband, tell him what the real issue is (your opinions are not asked or valued) and tell him what you are going to do about it. If there is no real consequence, he has no incentive to change (since it's obvious that your feelings aren't enough for him to do it). It's not about the money being spent or who it's being spent on. It's that you don't get a say in it.
What everyone is forgetting is that in the original post the OP said that this was the way things had been going on before they married. See bolded in the OP's original post quoted below.
Quote:
Originally Posted by elysium78
I have been having issues with my husband's family when it comes to gift giving at holidays/birthdays and paying the bill at dinner. I am at my wit's end but my husband and my own mother think i'm wrong. My husband has 2 brothers, one is married with 2 kids, ages 7 and 2 and the other is 35, single and lazy. My DH and i have 2 kids ages 9 months and 2. Prior to getting married we'd often go out DHs family and when the bill came, regardless of who was there my dh and his brother who is married would split the bill. The brother, we will call him S's mother in law would often be at these dinners and she never would offer to pay or even thank us after the bill had been paid.
DHs mom lives across the country with her boyfriend. They come to stay for christmas and they stay with S and his wife for a month. I have no idea why they need to stay a month but this has been happening since 2014 (we got married in 2013) and i find them to be a bit much. They also stay for a month in april then again in the summer. Even though they dont stay with us we constantly have to be involved in what theyre doing usually driving to S's house which is 45 min away, S's kids always seem to have a cold, then our kids get a cold, my mother in law, we can call her C always ends up getting sick it seems when she comes out. Last year she had pneumonia, then it was a stomach bug. I dont even want to see them because they are always sick!
For me, that makes it a different situation. Before you marry someone is when you are supposed to be assessing if you are a good fit. You do not marry someone hoping to then change them.
What kind of role do your parents have in your life? Do they never come and visit? Do they never get treated to dinners?
I find some of the OP's comments to be simply petty. What business is it of the OP's how often the BIL and his wife host family. It really is not the place for the OP to be judging other's. If she doesn't want to go to the BIL
s home, then don't go.
OP, if you really hate having to interact with other family members simply bow out of the invitations.
You may not be happy with your husband for continuing...but a loving person is supportive of their spouse. If you were going hungry or without due to your husband spitting the dinner checks, that would be a different story.
If you really don't want your MIL to come and stay on a weekend to grandparent your children, then by woman enough to say so. But, if you can get past this it will be better for your whole family.
Personally, your comment up-thread about divorcing your husband if he continues to split the checks is so petty, I cannot imagine you facing any real life changing issues....it will be very hard for you.
For me this would not be a sword that I would fall on, save your ire for bigger issues.
Last edited by JanND; 01-11-2017 at 05:50 AM..
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