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My guess is that this dynamic existed long before your joined the family, which is why your husband doesn't see anything wrong with it. The 35-year-old has always been the "baby" who needs care and isn't expected to pull his weight and the other two brothers have always been competitive. The mom and bf probably see the 2 sons as very successful and think that they can easily pay for everyone.
OP, I don't think you're going to win this one. Your husband would have to speak to his siblings and his mother which would make him lose face because it would look like he can't afford to pay. At this point you're outnumbered. That doesn't mean you're not entitled to your opinion, or that you're not entitled to share it, but I don't think you'll change anything that's going on between them. So...unless you want to divorce over it, which would be extreme, you'll have to find a way to live with it.
OP--I see a lot of issues here that go beyond the fairness of the dinner and gift spending: possible issues with you. These are issues you need to acknowledge and repair. Doing so will help you broach the subject with your husband in a way that does not place the blame on him, but is asking for him to help you. That is what life partners do.
Some questions for you OP: Do you work and add to the family income? If so, do you desire to be a stay at home parent? Perhaps that is what is behind your resentment of the situation. Perhaps you feel that if your spouse was not as generous you could stay home?
If you do stay home, let's assume you worked previously. It's a big adjustment from being a wage earner to a stay at home parent that depends upon one's spouse to earn the family income. Acknowledge that it can make one jittery to make that change. Seeing money spent in a way you don't like can add to the discomfort.
Your spouse also has a dangerous job. That has to be a cause for concern financially and otherwise. What are your concerns related to his job?
A few other notes--your fairly newly married (3 years or so) and you have had 2 children in the past 2 years. Any one of those things is a major life adjustment. All three--whew, that's a lot of adjustment and emotional stuff to deal with in a short time frame. It's almost as if your brain needs more time to catch up to your fairly new life.
Two young children can be exhausting physically and emotionally. It can wreak havoc on your emotions to be sleep deprived, etc. Your hormones maybe a factor also. Your body needs time to adjust to the demands of your life. There is a strong connection between our physical well-being and our emotions. I'd suggest you consider that.
Your husband is not going to listen to your "it's not fair" talk when it comes to his family and spending. It comes off as blaming and controlling. No one likes to be blamed or told their personalities are wrong. No one likes to be attacked. That is essentially what it sounds like you have been doing. Instead you should be talking about what is really behind your feelings. Doing that will take you farther than blaming and belittling him. You also need to listen to his real feelings and motivations for paying, etc. That is what will appeal to him and will help the two of you reach a compromise.
BTW--I have decades of experience with money-sucking in-laws. We've given one in-law tens of thousands of dollars over the past couple of decades. This in-law NEVER contacts my spouse unless she needs money. She's maybe seen our 20 something children a dozen times in their lives, a generous estimate. There was never a gift or card when they were born. Never a holiday gift to us or them (even though we sent things to her and her children). Never an invitation to dinner or anything. Never asks about me or our kids when she calls for money. To top it off she willingly participated in something which affected me very, very personally and hurt me deeply--something which required several years of therapy for me to overcome. BTW--she never apologized to me for her role in the "something." At times we've helped her when we really could not afford to do so. I've learned to let it all go. I understand that my spouse has an emotional need to help her despite saying at various he would not do so again. That is who he is. I love him and accept it.
My guess is that this dynamic existed long before your joined the family, which is why your husband doesn't see anything wrong with it. The 35-year-old has always been the "baby" who needs care and isn't expected to pull his weight and the other two brothers have always been competitive. The mom and bf probably see the 2 sons as very successful and think that they can easily pay for everyone.
OP, I don't think you're going to win this one. Your husband would have to speak to his siblings and his mother which would make him lose face because it would look like he can't afford to pay. At this point you're outnumbered. That doesn't mean you're not entitled to your opinion, or that you're not entitled to share it, but I don't think you'll change anything that's going on between them. So...unless you want to divorce over it, which would be extreme, you'll have to find a way to live with it.
Good points. If the "baby brother" is 35 than I am guess that your hubby must be in his late 30s or even older. If you have only been married for 3 years that meant that he had at least 15 (maybe 20) years of being an adult child doing those things before you were married. Patterns like that can be pretty difficult to change.
He may have even been competitive with his brother as a child or teen so that would be decades of this pattern.
While I agree with you that it is not fair. It isn't like hubby is an 18 or 20 year old newlywed first establishing "adult patterns of patterns". He has done this for many, many years before you arrived on the scene.
Obviously nagging him about it isn't working. You need to figure out how far you are willing to go over this. What is your bottom line? You have to figure that out first.
For a while i sort of understand the paying for the 'baby' brother....but let's get real he is 35 and he gives NOTHING back. Does not even get DH or his kids xmas gifts. That is just pretty rotten. and i think i mentioned above that the baby brother is now living in an apt own by my family for very little and NO ONE HAS THANKED ME! I feel slighted by his family. I guess you never know what kind of family you will marry into, but the one i have married into is thoughtless and lazy when it comes to doing things for other family members. I dont know where my DH came from...he didnt get it from them.
I appreciate all of your responses. Sometimes it is petty to keep score, but I think these are valid issues and we're dealing with some rude people here. If it was just one issue maybe i'd let it go, but there are multiple issues here with DH's family. ALSO-he does the 35 year old brother's laundry every few weeks because he has no washer/dryer. I dont foresee the brother ever getting married...so i dont see any of this stopping.
I also have questioned if maybe motherhood has been rough on me (2 kids in 3 years, I'm 38 now, maybe it's done a number) and if i'm over reacting.
much of my dealings have just been to avoid these people. I dont even feel like i have much of a relationship with them. I'm not sure if they even notice. i just can no longer take how ungrateful they seem. Just sitting there with them at dinner last night while they all laughed away then watched my DH and S pay the bill just felt awful again.
However im in the picture now as his wife and it's my money too.
This is one of the reasons why we never shared our bank accounts. I'll not have someone telling me what I can and can't do with my money. I have a job and I make decent money, I pay my half of the bills.
Go get your own bank account and count your chickens from there. And stop going to the dinners so your husband won't have to pay as much.
I had this same issue with my husband. My father would always say: Would you have him any other way?
Being generous is not a bad thing.
It isn't bad whatsoever, as long as they other party isn't taking advantage of it.
The only thing I'd ask of the OP is if she knew this about her husband before they got married and had kids. If she did, then she can't be surprised that it's still continuing.
If it was just one issue maybe i'd let it go, but there are multiple issues here with DH's family. ALSO-he does the 35 year old brother's laundry every few weeks because he has no washer/dryer.
Wait. Your husband does his brother's laundry?
Hand the leech a stack of quarters and directions to a laundromat.
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