At dinners where the same people never help pay the bill (spouse, siblings)
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Yeah he needs to cut the cord...because im not having this. At one point he and the brother were both paying for the mothers plane ticket to fly out here...but i think S just pays for that now. Again im just starting to hate his family..they suck! They barely acknowledged the birth of our daughter this past spring. Didnt get her a thing. Ive sort of disconnected myself from them and i dont care. I did go to the dinner tonight because my mom gave me a guilt trip...but i also went because i knew dh would pay half anyways.
Last edited by elysium78; 01-08-2017 at 09:37 PM..
Reason: Added
OP, could be your husband sees this as a contest between him and his highly successful brother and he has to "keep up with the Joneses" as it were. He'll do anything to avoid admitting that your little family can't afford all this. Trust me, there's some family history here.
Talk to your husband and get to the bottom of his motivation. If he bristles and won't discuss it, in your place I would seriously consider not going to these dinners.
Pretty sad that your own mother is against you on this, because you're 100% correct. I am sorry for your heartache. It is tough being right, knowing you're right and having no one listen to you. The inmates are running the asylum.
^^^ this. My husband is similar with competing with his more successful brother. It gets way out of hand. We've paid for his father's vacation, picked up a $700 dinner bill among many other things. It's stuff we simply cannot afford but he won't budge.
It sounds as if your husband is too proud to say anything.
I think you need an objective outsider aka a counselor. If you can't get him to go to a marriage counselor, maybe you could somehow finagle him into seeing a financial planner, and you could bring your budget. Make a spreadsheet of all of your income and expenses each month, and include a line for "family." Maybe if he sees the monthly expense listed in dollar amounts, with a year total, it will open his eyes up.
The other thing you could do, is go talk to the individuals yourself. Go talk to the brother or whomever and ask them if you can speak to them confidentially. Say you're worried about saving for the kids' future and thought maybe they had just gotten so used to your husband always buying things before he got married, that they hadn't taken into consideration that he's now supporting a wife and kids. But, that he's too proud to stop paying for everything. So, would they please consider helping out the next time there is a family dinner or other expense, etc.?
They may tell you to suck eggs, but the next time you get eye contact with them across the restaurant table, maybe they'd feel guilty enough to offer to pay. And that way they can save face, as opposed to you saying something out loud at the table that they should open their wallets.
OP, I think your feelings are justified. But I also think you need to pick your battles and not let your anger at this get the best of you.
Your husband makes a decent salary. Honestly, these expenses don't sound like they're breaking the bank. What are we talking about - less than $2000 a year is what it sounds like to me. Am I close? If so - then that's about 2 percent of your income. For him to feel confident and manly around his family.
I agree that he's in some sort of subconscious competition with his brother but that's really not that uncommon.
One thing I know for sure is this: You expressing your disapproval around his family is not going to make things better between you and your husband. He's clearly trying to send them the message that he is able to provide well for his family - if you undermine that message, he won't appreciate it a bit.
This sounds like it's eating you up inside. I want to reiterate - I understand why it's bothering you, and I think you're justified in being irritated. But you sound way beyond irritated. Is it really worth all this angst just to save a couple of hundred dollars every few months?
I don't see anything wrong with you calmly discussing this with your husband. Maybe even seeing if he will agree to a specific budget - then you could just let it go at that because it would be contained. Or maybe he can choose to give up something HE likes to do or spend money on if he insists on continuing this. But what I would NOT do is stir up trouble with his family over this. These dynamics were in place before you met and married him.
I dont feel that my kid's futures are at stake...at this point a lot of it is just a matter of principle. Like why do we still pay for the brother, brother's mother in law and mother's boyfriend. These are all people who should be offering to help out. Heck my dad and my aunt are the type of people who go and pay the bill before anyone knows so there is just no way for anyone to argue with them about it. These folks are just content with my DH and S to pay their share every time...maybe they tried to offer in the past and are always told no...i dont know. Again it just is inappropriate at this point.
DH is tired of listening to me complain. I think maybe he's embarrassed because it is his side of the family...we have two people who never gave us a wedding gift and he still will bring that up whereas i could care less about that anymore. Im not sure how he couldn't feel annoyed about these freeloaders and just continue to pay time and time again.
I am not too proud to at all to admit that S and his wife have more money. Hell I'd be happy to have them pay for the whole meal if they ever offered but they never do. S's wife is very cheap. She picks out all the presents and wouldn't let S get a car he wanted.
We may need to look into counselling. Ive felt this way for about 2 years now. This past year i really just started saying how i feel and it's included name calling. I just feel like his family is extremely unhelpful. It's one thing to do nothing for us (I'll also add we had a baby in march who had some possible complications, she is doing well now, but it was scary) but ill be damned if you're gonna spend my hard earned money while doing it. Even if they do nothing for me it saddens me that they dont think to do anything for DH their son/brother.
Edited to add, i think i am beyond irritated...but when you have two small kids, work full time sometimes you need a break. All i can say is thank God for my family.
Last edited by elysium78; 01-09-2017 at 06:20 AM..
Reason: Added
A possible explanation is that for many people getting together with family and having an enjoyable time is much more important than keeping score.
Exactly. Your husband likely has few real friends because he sees things others don't ....and that causes a lack of trust in common man. Therefore his family is very important to him. Allow him this simple pleasure. You cannot possibly be going out that often....The occasional dinner bill split between two brothers is just that. Don't make this the sword that you fall on.
As for continuing to give gifts to your BIL's MIL.....Why did that even start. Since she hasn't bought gifts for a couple of years, consider that no longer a gesture that you need continue. Nothing personal, or hateful needs to be thought of this, it just can end.
As for your feelings about what the gifts that you receive cost, especially as they compare to what you give that is just petty imo, and not at all what the meaning of gifting is about.
Since you keep score, and really aren't appreciative perhaps gift giving needs to change entirely...Just let your family know that from now on rather than buying your family gifts that they should make a donation to a food bank, or a charity that gives gifts to needy children at Christmas.
I hope that you can get past this, because it is harmful to yourself to hold such strong resentments.
ETA I think your resentments about how long, how often inlaws visit your husbands brother are flat out ridiculous....It is none of your business.
To me, this seems like OPs husband has some childhood baggage that is causing him to need to keep giving beyond what is normal. He is doing this in spite of the fact that his own wife is against it.
I second the motion for counseling. She needs to be validated, and he needs to wake up and smell the coffee. Someone objective could perhaps find them a middle ground.
You made two kids with a guy who loves treating his family and loves spending time with his family. I totally get where your frustration is coming from, but pursuit of happiness would dictate you disengage from this overreaction before your love for your husband turns to hate also.
Except, no, she doesn't have to live with it. Something like this would almost be grounds for a divorce (if nothing changed), at least for me it would.
Unless they really can't afford to pay for the dinners and are already in heavy debt, etc, I don't see why it should be grounds for divorce. But I guess this is why divorce rates are so high.
You made two kids with a guy who loves treating his family and loves spending time with his family. I totally get where your frustration is coming from, but pursuit of happiness would dictate you disengage from this overreaction before your love for your husband turns to hate also.
Well said. OP, your frustration is completely understandable and I totally agree what's happening is unfair, but if your husband is adamant that it's not going to change, there is nothing you can do. You can either get divorced (which would be ridiculous over something like this, if you ask me), or you can just accept it and move on. If you don't, you will wind up bitter and angry, and it will be directed at your husband, not just his family. It will ruin your marriage, and destroy your family.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.
Doesn't matter if you're religious or not - the sentiment of this is exactly what you need to learn from right now.
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