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We dont have golden corral or dennys near us. Honestly no one seems to care what i have to say. Im typically told, we're going to such and such place. My feelings and opinions are never consulted.
Then you need to have a real sit down conversation with your husband, tell him what the real issue is (your opinions are not asked or valued) and tell him what you are going to do about it. If there is no real consequence, he has no incentive to change (since it's obvious that your feelings aren't enough for him to do it). It's not about the money being spent or who it's being spent on. It's that you don't get a say in it.
No daycare I have had my kids in allowed you to just take a month off without paying. You would lose your spot if you withdrew your kid, or you could pay for the month if you didn't want to lose your spot. They still have to pay the staff even if they don't have all the kids in that day.
Not a decent daycare with a waitlist of parents happy to pay for your spot. You might be able to get a week off from paying once a year, but not multiple months a year.
OP, your husband is a very generous man. Some people show their love by gift giving and others don't. To me, gifts don't mean much - not to give and not to receive. I really couldn't care less about giving gifts or getting them - to me, they all just seem like a hassle. I'd rather spend quality time with someone any day.
Anyway, back to your husband - I bet you wouldn't want his basic personality trait - generosity - to change. I bet he is very generous to you and your kids as well.
I doubt that you can change this in him. Apparently this is how he shows his family he loves them. Yes, I also think that there's a part of his psyche that is trying to prove to his family that he's as "good as they are" and that he can "afford to be so generous," but that's also very deeply engrained in him.
You stated that he makes about the same amount of money per year as his other brother. You assume that the other brother works less and gets bonuses, but honestly, that sounds petty. I worked in finance for several years in a management capacity (sounds like your BIL has a management level job) and I did not work 40 hour weeks - it was always at least 50 hours a week. And bonuses were not guaranteed and had a lot of strings attached. Sometimes I got them, sometimes I didn't.
Anyway, like others have pointed out - the inlaws aren't staying with you for a month at a time. Personally I think that's strange behavior and NO houseguests are welcome in my house for a month unless there's some sort of family emergency. But at least you're not hosting them - the other brother is. That's costly.
I think unless the financial load really is actually hurting your family, you ought to back off. Notice that I did not say you ought not say anything to your husband. But it sounds to me as if you have already done that. No need to get shrill or make ultimatums or create a crisis.
OP, has it occured to you that your husband needs to save face with his family because he does make less money than his brother? From a man's perspective, quibbling over the bill will be the same as admitting that he isn't as well off as they are. You are insisting that he emasculate himself in front of his family.
I agree that your husband's family is inconsiderate. Definitely. Some families have 'culture' that others will never understand. You aren't going to change them.
You need to come up with a different way to approach this problem rather than head on. You are alienating your husband and coming off as shrill and shrewish. If this is an important expenditure to him, so be it. I'm sure you have some priorities for money he doesn't agree with for reasons that sound equally unfair to him.
I have a different story, but a similar result. I nickle and dimed my husband to death, and embarrassed him quite a lot in the process. His family also had a culture I could not relate to. I wish I could do it over again and let him have his dignity. The back lash from me insisting that things be just or even turned out to be not worth the cost.
Elysium, do you do a yearly budget? Are gifts and dinners included and the current cost added up so you and your husband know exactly what the output is?
I think a compromise could be reached, especially with the gifts. It is just ridiculous to give much more expensive gifts to these people who don't give back or give lesser gifts. Giving within the same range makes more sense. Your husband is probably doing this for own ego but the cost should at least be somewhat diminished.
I don't think you are going to be able to stop your husband from paying for 1/2 the dinners. Again, sounds like an ego thing. If the gift cost was cut, I could live with the occasional expensive dinner but it would really irritate me. But again, think compromise.
I have had the same situation where DH would invite his mother out to dinner and she would call up another whole group of relatives to join them - huge bill for us. It was really irritating to have her announce the table needed to be changed to 10 or 12 when only she had been invited. Yes, I would fume but since it was the occasional situation I lived with it. If it had been often, no way would I let that happen.
Too bad you can't move. The happiest marriages I personally know of were at least 500 miles from relatives.
Where I moved from you always got a dirty look from the server; here it is always assumed that couples/families will split. That is one solution.
I have also dealt with it by looking at the check, dividing it by family/couple (roughly), adding 20% to my share, putting the money on the check and passing it to the next couple. You get some GREAT looks, but the point gets made real quickly :Free lunch is over. (I also look out for the server and make sure she gets a decent gratuity...slip her an extra $20, or whatever. That comes from the perspective as the one who used to pick up the entire check, without question. I could/can afford it. Just get tired of the freeloaders "sure, we'll go to high class joint with you" and they expect to pay nada).
Where I moved from you always got a dirty look from the server; here it is always assumed that couples/families will split. That is one solution.
I have also dealt with it by looking at the check, dividing it by family/couple (roughly), adding 20% to my share, putting the money on the check and passing it to the next couple. You get some GREAT looks, but the point gets made real quickly :Free lunch is over. (I also look out for the server and make sure she gets a decent gratuity...slip her an extra $20, or whatever. That comes from the perspective as the one who used to pick up the entire check, without question. I could/can afford it. Just get tired of the freeloaders "sure, we'll go to high class joint with you" and they expect to pay nada).
I don't see that a $300 total bill for 10-11 people falls into the "high class joint" category. Particularly in a large, high COL city like Boston.
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