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This is a no-win situation. You need to figure out how to live with it and move on. Family squabbles never turn out well and they will linger for years.
No, she doesn't have to live with it.
The 35 year old single brother will retire at 50, meanwhile the OP and her husband will be worrying about how to pay for college for their children.
I would stop going, or get to the server first and point out how the bill needs to be split, OP and her family on one bill, single brother on one bill, other brother and his family on one bill, etc.
People can only take advantage of you if you let them.
A possible explanation is that for many people getting together with family and having an enjoyable time is much more important than keeping score.
There is no "keeping score" going on here. Keeping score is when you find you paid for the last 5 dinners and the other party paid for 3 dinners. That you let go.
The 35 year old single brother will retire at 50, meanwhile the OP and her husband will be worrying about how to pay for college for their children.
I would stop going, or get to the server first and point out how the bill needs to be split, OP and her family on one bill, single brother on one bill, other brother and his family on one bill, etc.
People can only take advantage of you if you let them.
That. No other way you will resolve this to YOUR satisfaction. Maybe do two bills, one for BIL and then you split the rest. Going for the MIL will be grounds for divorce.
So there seems to be a good amount of posters who think im bitter for being mad about this and im just supposed to tolerate it if i love my husband.
I don't think anyone has said you have to just put up with whatever just because you love your husband. However, I do think lots of people (myself included) are saying that you are coming across as very bitter and angry, and that if you love your husband and cherish your marriage, you may need to step back, review how you're coming across, and possibly accept some things, especially factors that were in place BEFORE you met your husband and before you decided to marry him.
You didn't marry him expecting him to change, did you?
I started out by saying that while your feelings may have some justification, and that I don't blame you for being irritated by some of this, yada yada yada. Apparently that up front concession to your feelings made little, if any, impact on you. As the thread continued, your anger and bitterness became more pronounced, and I also notice that IF you're listening, you're not showing it well because you rarely answer pertinent questions, asked politely, and when you do answer a few questions, it's in a sarcastic and angry manner.
Your words on this forum are all we have to go by when it comes to your personality, motivations, and the scenario you describe. If you're getting a lot of push back from people (many pages in) you may want to step back, maybe reread what you've said, and re evaluate your own words and responses.
If you "discuss" things with your husband the way you "discuss" things here...well...wow. You've got a tough row to hoe is all I can say.
I've found it is better to ask the waiter for a separate check. Always. That way there is no haggling over what people owe, who should pay what or anything else. You just pay for your own food and that is it.
I've dined out with too many people in the past who thought someone else should be paying for their food, and I'm just tired of it.
By the way, I am not condoning the relatives' behavior in this. I'm just saying that CONSIDERING their behavior, I don't really think her husband's attitude is all that unreasonable.
It would be horrifying to eveyone if i did ask the server to bring seperate checks. And of course dh would get mad at me. It would be a slap in their faces...a much needed slap and wake up call but i dont think i have it in me. But boy would that be fun!
If i had it my way id just want MIL coming out once around xmas for a week and once in the summer for a week. That's how normal people tend to do trips. I dont know anyone else who has family stay with them for a month twice a year.
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626
I know plenty of retired parents who visit their adult children multiple times a year often staying for two to three weeks at a time, very easily totally eight or more weeks a year.
I know one couple who visit their adult daughter & SIL and grandchildren for two weeks about every two months, so about twelve weeks a year. In addition, the daughter and grandchildren come to visit the parents at their house a couple times a year and stay perhaps a week at a time. So they see each other about fifteen weeks a year.
Frankly, unless there are extenuating circumstances, such as disability, extended distance, work schedule, or limited finances I don't know ANY grandparent who would feel that seeing their adult children & grandchildren for only two weeks a year is enough.
OP, would you be happy with your mother only seeing you and your children two weeks a year?
I was thinking more about your complaint that it is "not normal" for retired people to visit their adult children/grandchildren for that long.
I wanted you to re-read my post and then to really think about it. Ask your friends and co-workers with retired parents, especially ones who live at a significant distance, how often they see them. I bet that you would be surprised with their answers, if you think that two, one week trips a year is "normal".
My cousin and her hubby, who both are still working fulltime, rearrange their schedules/double up time/work overtime/take unpaid vacation days/etc. to visit their adult child & grandchildren, who live 2,000 miles away, two times and often three times a year for two weeks at a time (plus their son, DIL & grandchildren come home to visit at least twice per year). If my cousin & her husband go through such hassles (and it is a tremendous hassle) to visit that often while working fulltime I can easily picture them visiting for much longer visits, or far more often, when they finally are able to retire.
OP, you never mentioned if you would be happy if you & your children only saw your parents one week at Christmas and one week in the summer. You say that is "normal" but if the roles were reversed and your husband did not want YOU to see YOUR parents as often would you feel that was "right"?
BTW, how often do your parents see you and see their grandkids? Is it the same or far more often than hubby's mother gets to see him and his children/her grandchildren? Is that fair?
Oh i have told friends and co workers about how long my MIL stays and eveyone thinks it's ridiculous. Even my mom who thinks i need to just accept this thinks it's crazy and inconvenient how long she stays. i dont know how SIL feels about the long stays, but when when MIL stayed for 6 weeks shortly after retiring SIL and her mother made a comment, geez what are they going to do out here for 6 weeks?? So i dont think she is as bothered as i am but i also dont know that she looks forward to them being here that long.
I really dont know of anyone who has family stay for this length of time on a regular basis. I have two co workers whose parents are in india and china and shortly after they had babies their mom (woman's mom) stayed with them for a few weeks and went above and beyond to help.
And to the above poster staying 2 to 3 weeks at a time is one thing but 4 to 5 is another. Id welcome 2 weeks. Personally i would not want to be someone's houseguest for 4 to 5 weeks.
One woman i work withs mom lives in ca and she only stays with the family for a long weekend because she doenst want to impose. That's kind of how my mom is as well. She would never want to be burden.
MIL made the decison to move out west over 10 yrs ago. It was not the best decision IMO. She sold her house here and if she had stayed that house has now pretty much doubled in value. They were thinking of moving back here last year but they cant afford it. MIl said maybe they would be snowbirds and divide their time. I said, where would you stay when youre here? She said, oh here-meaning BILs house-but I haven't talked to them about it yet. I just started laughing. I told DH about it later and he started laughing too. It doesn't look like that will be happening.
DH used to complain about his family and i would say oh stop, they're fine. But now 5 years later i complain about them and he gets defensive.
JI mentioned before that my parents live 10 min away. So yes we see them frequently and they are very helpful, help mind the kids.
If it was just MIL it would be one thing but it's her and her boyfriend who barely speaks. I know in the past he would complain about the meals that he wasnt paying for and DH and BIL got mad and told their mom he could not come with her to visit anymore. However he always comes now.
So again...two weeks tops is what i would want. I also dont understand why BIL never visits her. Our kids are too young now for visits and getting on a plane but it's interesting to me that BIL doesnt do it even for a long weekend.
She says she misses her grandkids but there's been times weve brought the kids to BILs and they seemed more interested in watching tv. There is a part of me thar feels like they like coming here and staying here for so long to get free s h i t
And that is just stupid to ask if it's fair that my parents see the grandkids more than she does. They live 10 minutes away! And she is 2000 miles away. Maybe MIL should have thought of these things before she moved away with her boyfriend. Her youngest son was in his early 20s at the time and hes had some issues. It was pretty selfish of her.
Last edited by elysium78; 01-11-2017 at 06:35 PM..
Reason: Added
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