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I mentioned that before we got married MIL would come out for a week two to 3 times a year. Shortly after we got married her and her bf retired so now they have upped the length of stay. It's now four or five weeks at a time. And then we had two kids which is a huge game changer financially so give me a break. Paying for these dinners when she was only here for a week at a time before had children wasnt as big a deal. The fact that they dont want to pitch in and help out (and this goes for BILs MIL and the lazy BIL) speaks volumes. It actually pains me to think about how right after i gave birth we were still expected to make sure they got breakfast lunch and dinner for two weeks. Not once did they ever offer to help, not even to walk the dog. My dad would come over to walk the dog and theyd be sitting on the couch watching tv. Even my parents were like wtf.
My parents live 10 min away from us. They are very helpful.
Well, this behavior of the in-laws to sit on their rumps for 2 weeks after OP gave birth is inexcusable. It doesn't sound like MIL has much interest in these grandchildren to begin with. I think much of the anger towards them is coming from this situation and I can understand that.
You and your husband have a lot on your plate with two little children arriving within four years of marriage and both working outside the home. On top of that, your husband has a very stressful job.
Traveling that distance every single weekend for a month with little kids is not easy, plus going to a restaurant with little kids is NOT relaxing.
I would compromise by hosting one lunch or dinner in your home and traveling to the restaurant once in the month. Hubby can go every weekend if that is his choice. Don't even ask about the cost of the dinner.
Once this animosity is established it never goes away, believe me. You either have to limit your contact or suck it up. Harping to your hubby will only let these annoying people destroy your marriage.
OP..
As for Christmas gifts.. give without expecting anything in return... period. DO NOT CALCULATE the costs of the gifts you give vs the gifts you receive.. That's petty.. just don't.
As for dinner bills, how often do you eat out with your husbands family? Obviously 3 or 4 times a month and if that is the case, i get your angst.. especially towards your BIL that never helps pay. But your MIL is a different story (IMO).. if you husband wants to pay for her dinner then let him.. IMO, there is NOTHING he can do to repay her for what she has done for him (assuming she was a good mom)..
I think the real issue is that you just flat out don't like these people.
Think how much money your BIL is spending to feed and entertain them while they are staying at his house. Imagine what your grocery bill would be if they were staying with you.
I would rather be you than the SIL who is hosting them. Maybe BIL and SIL complain that all you and your husband do is partially host a few dinners while they gets stuck buying groceries, entertaining, and waiting on them hand and foot. Do you think MIL and BF's behavior is any different there than at your house?
I get where you are coming from because we paid all expenses (airfare, food, etc) when my in-laws visited. I waited on them hand and foot. It was annoying at times and my MIL did crazy things, but it was the right thing to do.
And you're right, at this point I DO NOT LIKE THESE PEOPLE. Why should people wait on others hand and foot and pay for them just because they are family/in laws? I'm not sitting around waiting for anyone to wait on me and pay for me.
I think the real issue is that you just flat out don't like these people.
Think how much money your BIL is spending to feed and entertain them while they are staying at his house. Imagine what your grocery bill would be if they were staying with you.
I would rather be you than the SIL who is hosting them. Maybe BIL and SIL complain that all you and your husband do is partially host a few dinners while they gets stuck buying groceries, entertaining, and waiting on them hand and foot. Do you think MIL and BF's behavior is any different there than at your house?
Very true. It could be so much worse, and yet the OP continues to rant about things like her kids getting sick because they have to go to BIL's house while MIL is visiting. Like I said before, their kids being sick and her kids getting sick from them isn't really their fault and getting angry about that makes the OP come across as bitter, resentful, with a chip on her shoulder, and looking for any and every petty reason to hold something against them. I don't think she has any intention of actually modifying her own approach to this in order to cope better - I think she wants to remain angry and bitter and hate them for the rest of her life. There's nothing we can say that will help her.
And you're right, at this point I DO NOT LIKE THESE PEOPLE. Why should people wait on others hand and foot and pay for them just because they are family/in laws? I'm not sitting around waiting for anyone to wait on me and pay for me.
Well this seals the deal...there's nothing left to say that could be helpful. Well except maybe one: do NOT underestimate how burdensome the MIL's repeated visits are with your BIL. I'd gladly pay for a few dinners in lieu of hosting!! Probably more than a few!
So yeah, I've had on/off again issues with my inlaws but I'm not blind with resentment like this that clouds every single discussion and visit.
And you're right, at this point I DO NOT LIKE THESE PEOPLE. Why should people wait on others hand and foot and pay for them just because they are family/in laws? I'm not sitting around waiting for anyone to wait on me and pay for me.
It's a different generation. My parents expected us to be respectful and obedient. Elders were held in the highest regard and you were expected to treat them well. That's not really a bad thing, ya know.
Anyway, as time goes by, your opinion will probably soften and you will regret the animosity/fights with your husband. It's not your husband's fault his family is so insufferable. You do not have to like his family or spend time with them. Accept them for who they are. For the sake of your husband and children - let go of the negativity. The only person you can change here is you.
You are teaching your children that family dissension is acceptable. Are you sure you want to do that? What if your child's spouse takes a dislike to you? Do you want your child to fight with you? Or do you want your child to work with their spouse to show respect for familial relationships?
OP at least your parents are helpful so be grateful for that. Mine are horrible and my in laws aren't much better either.
As far as the gifts it seems pretty easy to solve. If you are a good shopper you can buy nice gifts for a fraction of the price so that way DH can feel like he's giving gift retail $150 but in reality being savvy shoppers you only paid $40 for it. I do this all the time and people think I spent a fortune on their gifts. They get nice stuff and I saved money so win-win.
I think you should implement a no gift policy for the family. If they are giving you no gifts or bad gifts, why continue? It is fairly common for families to say no gifts or just one gift per family, or even one of those gag gift swaps. However, I think you need to drop the dinner thing, you don't have to go, but if it brings your hubby joy, let him have it. He can spend some part of his wage on doing his thing.
And you're right, at this point I DO NOT LIKE THESE PEOPLE. Why should people wait on others hand and foot and pay for them just because they are family/in laws? I'm not sitting around waiting for anyone to wait on me and pay for me.
So rather than ask who's right and who's wrong, or whether you're being petty, the real question is what are you going to do about it? You love your husband and don't like any of his relatives. He likes them and wants to socialize with them and take care of them and shows it with his time and money.
Are you willing to divorce over it? Will your husband divorce you if you continue to complain about it? If the answer is yes, you'll be a divorced single mother within a couple of years. If the answer is no, you better find a way to either live with the situation, or talk to your husband and see if you two can find a compromise.
Life is short. Decide what's important to you.
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