At dinners where the same people never help pay the bill (present, appropriate)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Wow, OP, you have to recognize that you have a LOT of anger going on here, right? That can't feel good. And, really, while I, and many other posters agree with you that your in-laws sound pretty selfish, ungrateful and generally not awesome people, if you can't see that this is a very minor issue, then you need to take a step back and put this in perspective.
You're not hurting financially, your husband is close to his family, your families enjoy spending time together, your kids have cousins and multiple grandparents in their lives...this is not worth risking your marriage over. Heck, this isn't even worth a fight, much less you and your husband fighting to the point of not speaking to one another.
You have to take a step back, before your anger consumes you. Step one: stop going to the dinners! Use your young children as an excuse--husband can go, but you and the little ones can stay home. You say they're too young to fly, but, in my experience, dining out with a large group with little ones in tow is much worse than flying with them! YMMV
Your husband enjoys these meals, you don't; don't go. End the drama.
JI mentioned before that my parents live 10 min away. So yes we see them frequently and they are very helpful, help mind the kids.
(SNIP)
And that is just stupid to ask if it's fair that my parents see the grandkids more than she does. They live 10 minutes away! And she is 2000 miles away. Maybe MIL should have thought of these things before she moved away with her boyfriend. Her youngest son was in his early 20s at the time and hes had some issues. It was pretty selfish of her.
I understand that you live close to your parents. I guess that my point was, if your parents had to (or wanted to) move 2,000 miles away (perhaps, due to a job transfer or to care for their elderly parents or for their health or for whatever reason) would you still feel that "one week at Christmas and one week in the summer" was the "normal" and appropriate amount for your parents to visit?
It appears to me that your anger at hubby's mother and family is so strong that you are not thinking clearly.
So, if your parents moved 2,000 miles away, you would be absolutely fine with them seeing you and seeing their grandchildren only two weeks a year?
Or, if your and your family moved 2,000 miles away from your parents would you still be fine with the "normal" (in your eyes) amount of visiting, one week in summer and one week at Christmas?
Answer truthfully. I bet, that if it was your parents you would suddenly decide that two one week visits were too few.
But, please tell me if I am wrong. You may say, whether it is hubby's mother or my mom & dad, two one week visits a year are "normal" and all that any parent needs to make to see their adult child & young grandchildren.
I hope this is not off-topic, but my parents often encountered a subset of this. When they went out with the "L" couple, the "N" couple and the "B" couple, the husband in the "L" couple would always order several rounds of drinks. In fact, he was an alcoholic. When the bill came the "L" couple never volunteered more than an even split of the bill despite the fact that their portion was always 30% to 50% higher than the other couples.
MIL isnt cold. She's a hugger. She is nice...but still being nice doesnt give you a pass to sit there and do nothing and have eveyone pay your way.
Is she retired and living on social security? You expect a 70-ish woman to fly across the country and then pay for her own meals while her family is hosting her? You say "pay your way" like she's a nobody getting over on them. She's their mom, for crying out loud. Should two adult sons who make good money ask their senior citizen mom to dig into her purse and pay like they're still little boys sand she's taking care of them?
I do think it's weird that your brother-in-law, who you've described as being in finance and making more than your husband, allows his cop brother to foot the bill every time. Most men would find that emasculating. But you never know what people are thinking. Maybe they make good money on paper but have more debt than you and your spouse. Maybe--like others have said--your husband is showing he can compete with his brother but is also paying him for being a great brother.
It's clear you have fundamentally different attitudes about money and family than your spouse. Even though it's not a financial burden for your husband to do so (I assume, since many posters keep asking this and you've never answered), you have a scarcity mentality where you perceive everything he spends is directly taking away from you and your kids. You even complain about Christmas gifts and your MIL staying at the OTHER son's house for a couple of weeks a year. It's probably too late to change your fundamentally self-centered and fearful outlook because you were raised that way. Just stop going to these dinners. Nothing like voting with your feet.
And is it their fault if they get sick? It's not like they're getting sick on purpose and then deliberately spreading it to your kids. I cringed when you complained about your MIL having pneumonia. That's heartless. If everyone keeps getting sick maybe they need to practice better handwashing, get more rest, and take their vitamins. Or just keep the children at home until the sick relatives are out of the woodwork and no longer contagious.
Also, make sure your next husband is a rich only child whose parents are dead.
Is she retired and living on social security? You expect a 70-ish woman to fly across the country and then pay for her own meals while her family is hosting her? You say "pay your way" like she's a nobody getting over on them. She's their mom, for crying out loud. Should two adult sons who make good money ask their senior citizen mom to dig into her purse and pay like they're still little boys sand she's taking care of them?
I do think it's weird that your brother-in-law, who you've described as being in finance and making more than your husband, allows his cop brother to foot the bill every time. Most men would find that emasculating. But you never know what people are thinking. Maybe they make good money on paper but have more debt than you and your spouse. Maybe--like others have said--your husband is showing he can compete with his brother but is also paying him for being a great brother.
It's clear you have fundamentally different attitudes about money and family than your spouse. Even though it's not a financial burden for your husband to do so (I assume, since many posters keep asking this and you've never answered), you have a scarcity mentality where you perceive everything he spends is directly taking away from you and your kids. You even complain about Christmas gifts and your MIL staying at the OTHER son's house for a couple of weeks a year. It's probably too late to change your fundamentally self-centered and fearful outlook because you were raised that way. Just stop going to these dinners. Nothing like voting with your feet.
And is it their fault if they get sick? It's not like they're getting sick on purpose and then deliberately spreading it to your kids. I cringed when you complained about your MIL having pneumonia. That's heartless. If everyone keeps getting sick maybe they need to practice better handwashing, get more rest, and take their vitamins. Or just keep the children at home until the sick relatives are out of the woodwork and no longer contagious.
Also, make sure your next husband is a rich only child whose parents are dead.
You've misinterpreted or missed a few (dozen) "clarifications." The brothers both make about the same money and they split the restaurant bills. There is a third brother who gets a pass from them either because he doesn't have the same kind of income or is lazy, or maybe both.
The MILs plane ticket is paid for, her room and board is nothing. Between her and the boyfriend you dont think they occasionally could be the ones to pay for a meal after all theyve been given to stay here 4 to 5 weeks?? Especially the boyfriend. He's really the one I find pathetic. He has no kids either.
I do think my dh has a hard time admitting that his younger brother makes more than him and he needs to get over it. They've simply chosen different paths. BIL has been at the same company for about 15 years and hes been lucky. He's a VP. DH says he makes 120k about a year or 2 ago but that seems like a low salary to me for the boston area at the vp level. At the same time when youve been at the same company i guess salary might get a bit stagnant. I still think he gets bonuses that arent included in that 120k. Then lets not forget his wifes salary.
DH made more than 120k last year but again it was with overtime and details. He didnt make quite that much this year because we had a baby so he didnt work as much. I think his family thinks he makes more than he does or maybe they think i make more than i do.
Bottom line it is just inappropriate for the whole family to assume DH and BIL are responsible for all meals. MIL, her boyfriend, lazy BIL and BILs MIL have no problem accepting these handouts, they dont give back and that's a very unattractive quality.
You've misinterpreted or missed a few (dozen) "clarifications." The brothers both make about the same money and they split the restaurant bills. There is a third brother who gets a pass from them either because he doesn't have the same kind of income or is lazy, or maybe both.
No, the brother-in-law is in finance and makes more than her husband, who is a police officer, and brother-in-law's wife has an MBA. Yes I'm aware of the 35 year-old free-loading brother. I think that's a separate issue from the dinners and relationship with the mother-in-law though.
The MILs plane ticket is paid for, her room and board is nothing. Between her and the boyfriend you dont think they occasionally could be the ones to pay for a meal after all theyve been given to stay here 4 to 5 weeks?? Especially the boyfriend. He's really the one I find pathetic. He has no kids either.
I do think my dh has a hard time admitting that his younger brother makes more than him and he needs to get over it. They've simply chosen different paths. BIL has been at the same company for about 15 years and hes been lucky. He's a VP. DH says he makes 120k about a year or 2 ago but that seems like a low salary to me for the boston area at the vp level. At the same time when youve been at the same company i guess salary might get a bit stagnant. I still think he gets bonuses that arent included in that 120k. Then lets not forget his wifes salary.
DH made more than 120k last year but again it was with overtime and details. He didnt make quite that much this year because we had a baby so he didnt work as much. I think his family thinks he makes more than he does or maybe they think i make more than i do.
Bottom line it is just inappropriate for the whole family to assume DH and BIL are responsible for all meals. MIL, her boyfriend, lazy BIL and BILs MIL have no problem accepting these handouts, they dont give back and that's a very unattractive quality.
Money is not an issue then so by what I am understanding is that the MIL just expects this and is not recipocating by spending time with grandkids , spoiling them in other ways . You feel she is using you correct ?
But as someone mentioned if the shoe was on the other foot would it bother you the same ? I think that you just don't like them , and no matter what your feelings are they are not going to change . Remember one thing , good or bad, and I am not talking about abusive parents, when you marry someone you marry their family too . This advice was given to me as a young woman and it holds true .
I mean this in a good way go speak to someone before it tears your family apart .
OMG, OP - gosh the more you talk the more petty you sound. And you're full of the WORST assumptions of others that you use to justify your position.
The bottom line is that your husband and his brother both make ABOUT the same amount of money. I can assure you that your BIL works more than 40 hours a week in his "finance" job. Also, speaking from experience here, "finance" jobs don't pay exorbitant sums - they can be decent salaries but people often have the misconception that banking and finance jobs pay more than they do. Also, the bonuses are definitely not "guaranteed."
And you and your SIL both work and apparently there's not much difference in pay or you'd be harping about that too.
And besides that - SO WHAT about all that. Neither your family nor your BIL's family is financially unstable. Both families are comfortable financially, and please be grateful about that. Both families can afford to host a few times a year.
In other words, quit focusing on the potentially slight difference in pay between the two families. The bottom line is that YOU are not hosting other people for four to six weeks in your home, and so therefore your husband splitting the bill with your BIL a few times while the guests are here just isn't that big a deal. Not when it comes to the income factors.
And I just realized that your husband is the OLDEST son. In many families, this is a big deal. The oldest son is expected to be the leader, the protector, etc. It seems like he's trying to fill that role, and honestly...my gosh, let him do it.
You also mentioned that the youngest brother "had some issues" several years back that were serious enough that you elt the mother shouldn't leave him at that time. What sort of issues? People have been asking you non stop if the youngest brother is disabled in some way and you are ignoring those questions.
Finally - one last point:
I am not from a family that thinks it's OK for folks to visit for a month at a time. That being said, prior to her death, my paternal grandmother used to visit for six weeks at a time, two or three times a year. We were a military family so we often lived really far away. She was the exception - but there was a reason for that too (my mother was bipolar so my grandmother was a calming, loving, positive influence and my dad knew that. She was the only person who did that in our family but that my daughter's inlaws often come and stay at her house for three weeks at a time, several times per year. It's the same situation - they live far away usually because my daughter and her husband are military and move all over the world.
So it's not unheard of or outlandish. That being said, I wouldn't have it in my house but apparently for some families it's normal.
But that doesn't even matter - because they aren't IN your house. In my opinion, you're being overly harsh and unaware regarding your BIL and SIL who are hosting two people for a month at a time. Instead of being thoughtful of that stress, you are only focused on your husband splitting a dinner tab a few times a year, and the disparity in Christmas gifts.
Your husband, the oldest son, doesn't WANT to scrimp on Christmas gifts, and I am pretty sure he feels better splitting the tab with the brother who is doing ALL the hosting for a month. My gosh, be grateful - under those circumstances, my husband would be lunging across the table picking up the WHOLE tab.
Chill out. You've told your husband how you feel. I agree that you should skip the meals but I don't think that's going to make you any happier - it will just make OTHERS happier since you won't be sitting there glaring and pouting at everyone.
Look, my husband is the same way. When the entire family goes out to dinner, either his dad pays or he pays. Not because he has the most money, not because everyone else is a louse, but because he loves to do it.
That means he is paying for 15 people: his dad, me, our two kids and their spouses, our three grandchildren, his brother and his spouse, their two kids, and his sister (who is older than all of us but has never quite gotten her life together at 60 - yes, everyone has one in their family), and some friend she has dragged along with her.
He doesn't do it often, maybe a few times a year. And none of them live thousands of miles away. He just does it, because he can, and he gets joy from it.
If you can't wrap your brain around that, maybe you should consider counseling.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Should two adult sons who make good money ask their senior citizen mom to dig into her purse and pay like they're still little boys sand she's taking care of them?
Re
