At dinners where the same people never help pay the bill (females, males)
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Is she retired and living on social security? You expect a 70-ish woman to fly across the country and then pay for her own meals while her family is hosting her? You say "pay your way" like she's a nobody getting over on them. She's their mom, for crying out loud. Should two adult sons who make good money ask their senior citizen mom to dig into her purse and pay like they're still little boys sand she's taking care of them?
I do think it's weird that your brother-in-law, who you've described as being in finance and making more than your husband, allows his cop brother to foot the bill every time. Most men would find that emasculating. But you never know what people are thinking. Maybe they make good money on paper but have more debt than you and your spouse. Maybe--like others have said--your husband is showing he can compete with his brother but is also paying him for being a great brother.
It's clear you have fundamentally different attitudes about money and family than your spouse. Even though it's not a financial burden for your husband to do so (I assume, since many posters keep asking this and you've never answered), you have a scarcity mentality where you perceive everything he spends is directly taking away from you and your kids. You even complain about Christmas gifts and your MIL staying at the OTHER son's house for a couple of weeks a year. It's probably too late to change your fundamentally self-centered and fearful outlook because you were raised that way. Just stop going to these dinners. Nothing like voting with your feet.
And is it their fault if they get sick? It's not like they're getting sick on purpose and then deliberately spreading it to your kids. I cringed when you complained about your MIL having pneumonia. That's heartless. If everyone keeps getting sick maybe they need to practice better handwashing, get more rest, and take their vitamins. Or just keep the children at home until the sick relatives are out of the woodwork and no longer contagious.
Also, make sure your next husband is a rich only child whose parents are dead.
You do realize there are many retired people who live quite well? That they're not scraping by on Social Security. Some of them even own two homes, they're called "snowbirds" and split their time between states that get a bad winter and states like FL and AZ.
Also when you go visit family or friends in another state and they host you in their home, the polite thing to do is take them out for a few meals to show your appreciation. They're feeding and housing you, saving you money on a hotel and meals.
And just because someone is financially comfortable, that doesn't mean they should pay every time. The classy thing to do is pick up a check every once in awhile, not have an entitlement attitude of "well they make good money, so they can afford it".
Why the repeated rants about well off BIL? your DH being a police officer can make quite a good amount of money, then retire early collecting fat pension. the BIL in finance has no such cushy setup.
The BIL seems to have a pretty cushy job. He works from home often and any time he goes on a work trip he stays at some 5 star resort. He also can just be a PITA. Hes forever wanting us to drive places to meet them and then pay for half the bill for meals that always involve his annoying MIL who sits on her ass and never says thank you.
I just need a break from these people for a while. I have never dealt with these kinds of situations. My family, friends and co workers who I've hung out with socially have never behaved this way.
The BIL seems to have a pretty cushy job. He works from home often and any time he goes on a work trip he stays at some 5 star resort. He also can just be a PITA. Hes forever wanting us to drive places to meet them and then pay for half the bill for meals that always involve his annoying MIL who sits on her ass and never says thank you.
I just need a break from these people for a while. I have never dealt with these kinds of situations. My family, friends and co workers who I've hung out with socially have never behaved this way.
Seriously...can you PLEASE answer this question: the MIL you keep referring to, with the boyfriend and all that. Is this YOUR MIL or the brother's MIL?
The BIL seems to have a pretty cushy job. He works from home often and any time he goes on a work trip he stays at some 5 star resort. He also can just be a PITA. Hes forever wanting us to drive places to meet them and then pay for half the bill for meals that always involve his annoying MIL who sits on her ass and never says thank you.
I just need a break from these people for a while. I have never dealt with these kinds of situations. My family, friends and co workers who I've hung out with socially have never behaved this way.
Your BIL is the VP of Finance for a Fortune 500 company. That should tell you something right there. Most people that are in the finance or accounting profession are frugal. It sounds like he might get hotel reward points for staying in certain hotels while on business travel. Maybe he gets airline miles for business travel as well. So the family vacations the points are used and he isn't spending all that much.
I know someone that has a job in the financial world. He travels for work and sometimes so does his wife. They get hotel points and airline miles. They also play the CC points game and collect points that way as well. They go to a tropical destination 3 times a year but the key is that he is paying with all the points he has collected. The only thing they have to pay for is food and entertainment. Yet, leaving the car at the airport costs to much while they are gone so they find someone to take them. The flights they take are all reward so they aren't the best times.
I understand that you live close to your parents. I guess that my point was, if your parents had to (or wanted to) move 2,000 miles away (perhaps, due to a job transfer or to care for their elderly parents or for their health or for whatever reason) would you still feel that "one week at Christmas and one week in the summer" was the "normal" and appropriate amount for your parents to visit?
It appears to me that your anger at hubby's mother and family is so strong that you are not thinking clearly.
So, if your parents moved 2,000 miles away, you would be absolutely fine with them seeing you and seeing their grandchildren only two weeks a year?
Or, if your and your family moved 2,000 miles away from your parents would you still be fine with the "normal" (in your eyes) amount of visiting, one week in summer and one week at Christmas?
Answer truthfully. I bet, that if it was your parents you would suddenly decide that two one week visits were too few.
But, please tell me if I am wrong. You may say, whether it is hubby's mother or my mom & dad, two one week visits a year are "normal" and all that any parent needs to make to see their adult child & young grandchildren.
Quote:
Originally Posted by elhelmete
Just my $0.02, in my circle of friends who live a plane's ride away from their parents, very very few see them more than a week here and a week there. Not saying it's right or wrong or good or bad, just not very common in my experience.
Within my circle of friends I know plenty of retired parents who spend many weeks a year with their adult children and grandchildren. Even when hubby and I were working fulltime and my in-laws were also working full time we still saw each other at least two two (and sometimes or three) week visits a year.
Now, I should point out most of my friends stay in hotels when they visit or it is a week or two weeks at a time but more times than just twice in one year. We never stayed at hotels, because neither us nor our in-laws could afford it, but most of my friends do.
But, my main point was that I strongly feel that if it was the OP's parents and not her in-laws she would be much more accepting of longer visits. It is mostly her hatred of her in-laws that is the problem and she would feel differently if it was her parents visiting.
She never really answered if I was correct about that or not. Maybe I am completely wrong and the OP would absolutely hate it if her parents lived 2,000 miles away and wanted to visit & see their grandkids more than "one week in summer and one week at Christmas".
Last edited by germaine2626; 01-12-2017 at 01:31 PM..
Seriously...can you PLEASE answer this question: the MIL you keep referring to, with the boyfriend and all that. Is this YOUR MIL or the brother's MIL?
I think the MIL with the boyfriend (she called her C in the OP) is her MIL. I think the one she calls S's MIL is S's wife's mom.
Wow. That's kind of sad. All relationships involve give and take. People with long lasting marriages know that and figure out how to make things work.
Well, I'm in a long lasting marriage (37 yrs on 1-14), but I'm not so sure I would be content with the OP's circumstances where I see my DH repeatedly footing a large bill for family dinners, expensive gifts for family members who never reciprocate even though they could afford to do so. Especially if doing so puts us in a financial bind.
But if nothing else, I'd be determined to know why DH feels he needs to do this, does he feel an obligation for some reason towards his mother and other family members? Is there a need for him to prove he's successful enough to foot the bill for family events and cater to them so much? Perhaps some counseling would help if the couple just can't find a way to discuss this without fireworks? It seems a shame, IMO from what the OP has said, what the DH is doing is unfair to her and their children, but I also hate to see a divorce over issues that might be settled with some understanding of each spouse's perspective on what's going on.
No, the brother-in-law is in finance and makes more than her husband, who is a police officer, and brother-in-law's wife has an MBA. Yes I'm aware of the 35 year-old free-loading brother. I think that's a separate issue from the dinners and relationship with the mother-in-law though.
Please read post 186, directly above yours. She had earlier offered the same information.
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Should two adult sons who make good money ask their senior citizen mom to dig into her purse and pay like they're still little boys sand she's taking care of them?
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