At dinners where the same people never help pay the bill (sister, senior)

[shopalcholic]

Originally Posted by AnnaGWS

It's a different generation. My parents expected us to be respectful and obedient. Elders were held in the highest regard and you were expected to treat them well. That's not really a bad thing, ya know.

Anyway, as time goes by, your opinion will probably soften and you will regret the animosity/fights with your husband. It's not your husband's fault his family is so insufferable. You do not have to like his family or spend time with them. Accept them for who they are. For the sake of your husband and children - let go of the negativity. The only person you can change here is you.

You are teaching your children that family dissension is acceptable. Are you sure you want to do that? What if your child's spouse takes a dislike to you? Do you want your child to fight with you? Or do you want your child to work with their spouse to show respect for familial relationships?


Again, do you want to be happy or right?

Yes sadly this is a different generation. . We were brought up old school to respect our elders esp. ones spouse's parents . My in laws were good people but they had a lot to say, I would yes them to death and do what I wanted . No arguments no hard feelings. Of course if they are constantly causing trouble then the spouse needs to step in .

OP if they are staying with your BIL's family why are you so mad over paying for their meal ? It is his mom and family and he wants to treat so nothing wrong with that . Don't ruin your marriage over this . Be thankful that they don't stay with you . As Anna mentioned you are a mother and someday you will be a MIL too . We all love our children and we raise them as best as we can .

Your husband loves his family and is he respectful to yours ? If so compromise .

[elysium78]

So respecting elders means paying for them every time? That shouldn't be how it works. What about parents helping out their children occasionally?

I don't agree with holding someone in the highest regard simply because they are old so maybe times have changed. I often helped my grandma with things that were difficult for her until she died a few years ago, i give up my seat on the train to elderly looking people....but ive never hears of holding someone in the highest regard because they are old. There's a lot of old jerks out there you know. Racist, sexist ones. Of course there are nice ones but please dont say all old people should be put on a pedestal aka i need to whatever my MIL wants just becuase shes older.

[Vectoris]

I think a big part of the OP's resentment is the lack of appreciation or gratitude, and I certainly get that. It's one thing to sit by and let other people pay for everything, but it's entirely another thing to expect it or never thank anyone.

I have hosted many family gatherings over the years, and I cannot believe how selfish and thoughtless some of my extended family members can be. Those who dig in to a huge pot of stew and take ALL THE MEAT. Most people arrive empty-handed, a stark contrast from the way I was brought up. Once, an ex-son-in-law went to the kitchen to get more turkey, and came back with the entire half turkey skin from the part of the bird that wasn't carved yet!! I eventually just stopped having people over to eat because it was very rare to actually hear the words, "Thank you".

[shopalcholic]

Originally Posted by elysium78

So respecting elders means paying for them every time? That shouldn't be how it works. What about parents helping out their children occasionally?

I don't agree with holding someone in the highest regard simply because they are old so maybe times have changed. I often helped my grandma with things that were difficult for her until she died a few years ago, i give up my seat on the train to elderly looking people....but ive never hears of holding someone in the highest regard because they are old. There's a lot of old jerks out there you know. Racist, sexist ones. Of course there are nice ones but please dont say all old people should be put on a pedestal aka i need to whatever my MIL wants just becuase shes older.

I agree parents should help out whether it be babysitting or any other numerous things . This is what family is all about give and take . I don't know your in laws and how they raised your husband . I didn't read all your posts but your husband sounds decent so right there she raised a good son.

I am not talking about respecting any old person , or putting them on a pedestal , jerks come in all ages btw . she his mother whom you seem to despise for whatever reason . I and others are trying to help but you are dead set against him paying for a meal . So do what you feel is best you were asking for advice .

[seain dublin]

Originally Posted by elysium78

It would be horrifying to eveyone if i did ask the server to bring seperate checks. And of course dh would get mad at me. It would be a slap in their faces...a much needed slap and wake up call but i dont think i have it in me. But boy would that be fun!

Well maybe horrifying is what they need.

Don't they ever think that the money you and your husband spend could go into some type long term account that could go towards your two children's college fund?

[shopalcholic]

Originally Posted by Vectoris

I think a big part of the OP's resentment is the lack of appreciation or gratitude, and I certainly get that. It's one thing to sit by and let other people pay for everything, but it's entirely another thing to expect it or never thank anyone.

I have hosted many family gatherings over the years, and I cannot believe how selfish and thoughtless some of my extended family members can be. Those who dig in to a huge pot of stew and take ALL THE MEAT. Most people arrive empty-handed, a stark contrast from the way I was brought up. Once, an ex-son-in-law went to the kitchen to get more turkey, and came back with the entire half turkey skin from the part of the bird that wasn't carved yet!! I eventually just stopped having people over to eat because it was very rare to actually hear the words, "Thank you".

I get it ! maybe his family are cold people and don't show emotions and are ignorant as to not say thank you . But if he is good to her and her family , I would just suck it up and not let them destroy my marriage .


I don't blame you I wouldn't host any gatherings for people who act like that . So very rude .

[elysium78]

MIL isnt cold. She's a hugger. She is nice...but still being nice doesnt give you a pass to sit there and do nothing and have eveyone pay your way.

[elysium78]

Oh also, it snowed over the wknd and a joke was made that lazy BIL didnt help with the shoveling. My dh has gotten very angry a few times with lazy BIL particularly when he sits in the house and drinks vodka and doenst go to work (hasnt happened in a year i guess) but they absolutely enable him.

My mother enables my brother as well. People who are enabled will never do anything on their own

[kokonutty]

Originally Posted by eastcoastguyz

It doesn't matter what other people do. The OP doesn't want to run a hotel for family, which is perfectly understandable. You did this and it worked out fine, so you think, for your family, then power to you. But the OP is unhappy and wants to change it. No everyone has to be living exactly as you do.

You don't seem to be paying attention here and don't understand the situation. You may want to read the OP's comments again before responding to anyone else's opinions. No one stays with the OP; her complaints are about things that go on outside of her home.

[jbgusa]

I hope this is not off-topic, but my parents often encountered a subset of this. When they went out with the "L" couple, the "N" couple and the "B" couple, the husband in the "L" couple would always order several rounds of drinks. In fact, he was an alcoholic. When the bill came the "L" couple never volunteered more than an even split of the bill despite the fact that their portion was always 30% to 50% higher than the other couples.