At dinners where the same people never help pay the bill (divorced, socialize)
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I don't agree. The husband isn't being generous, he's being intimidated into all this by the family. The fact they don't even listen or care what the OP has to say in any of this is proof. If the husband was so generous, he would care if his wife was happy first. The husband has a fear that he will be cut-off from the family if he didn't take their abuse. This is not a healthy situation, and action needs to be taken.
I stated clearly in my post that the husband apparently has an inferiority complex with his brother. That doesn't mean, though, that he's not also generous. I asked the OP if her husband was generous toward her and her kids, and if so, would she want THAT to change? She didn't answer. She hasn't answered a lot of questions on this thread.
Anyway, I bet the answer would be that one of his personality traits IS generosity and loving to give gifts to people. If so, that's a pretty hard wired trait.
See, I believe that every personality trait we have has it's pros and cons but if we try to change the cons of a trait in a loved one, we run the risk of stifling the pros.
My post was more along the lines of "pick your battles."
The OP sounds like a very bitter young woman to me - that's not an attractive trait, by the way.
I mentioned that before we got married MIL would come out for a week two to 3 times a year. Shortly after we got married her and her bf retired so now they have upped the length of stay. It's now four or five weeks at a time. And then we had two kids which is a huge game changer financially so give me a break. Paying for these dinners when she was only here for a week at a time before had children wasnt as big a deal. The fact that they dont want to pitch in and help out (and this goes for BILs MIL and the lazy BIL) speaks volumes. It actually pains me to think about how right after i gave birth we were still expected to make sure they got breakfast lunch and dinner for two weeks. Not once did they ever offer to help, not even to walk the dog. My dad would come over to walk the dog and theyd be sitting on the couch watching tv. Even my parents were like wtf.
My parents live 10 min away from us. They are very helpful.
Last edited by elysium78; 01-11-2017 at 06:25 AM..
Reason: Added
Some things aren't worth fighting over, and you have to pick your battles.
Your husband made it clear that he wants to do this. He has a right to spend money as he pleases. You have that right too. Neither one of you can afford a lot, but that is how he wants to spend his share.
However you manage the money is up to you, but neither of you should micromanage the other in that regard. That is because it leads to problems. Money is one of the leading causes of conflict in a marriage, and is it really worth it?
What is more important? Money, or your marriage?
Some things you have to let go, and not try to control. He wants support from you about this. It is his family and it's important to him. There will be times that you want support about things that are important to you. That is what a marriage is about, not who bought who a gift and how much is costed.
I just wish they didnt stay for so long. Them staying for long time has a domino effect on a bunch of other unpleasant situations that i have to endure-more dinners so more paying for them, more trips down to see them and BILs kids always have a cold, then my kids get a cold. It just sucks. MIL should go back to her ways of just staying a week or two. I hate when they come out. End of story. I could deal if it was a week but it's just gotten to the point that I just see them all ae lazy, needy greedy people and i dont have good feelings towards them. Ive tried to see the good but the last straw was last spring when i had a baby and no one said anything to me about how i or the baby was doing.
I totally agree, convextech. Nobody would stand for the level of contempt you are showing towards their family - at least not anyone I know. My husband would NEVER put up with it. Nor would I. If you feel this much hatred towards his family, why in the name of all that's holy did you two even get married?
Couldn't rep you Missy2U.....You are right as usual, especially since the OP knew before marrying that this was her husband and his brother's tradition, splitting the checks at a dinner out.
I feel more sorry for her husband than I do for the OP. This seems so petty to me. I think perhaps because I'm older. Life has a way of showing us just how much we can and cannot bare over our lifetimes.
As we age, imo we learn what things really matter, and what things deserve our energy and cause us to draw our lines in the sand.
Maybe it is my own short comings, but OP for me, I just cannot bring up a lot of empathy for your situation. Your aggravation just does not match what you are being expected to do imo.
The BIL and his wife host your MIL....You do not host her during these LOOOOONG stays, that you feel compelled to whine about. You are simply expected to drive those two grandbabies across town to visit a few their grandmom a few times.
And, your husband picks up the check and splits it with his brother. Again....These are not earth shattering events imo. Make it easy on your husband, stay home....His mom is elderly....Let him have his time with her without guilt. He will love you even more for it.
I honestly hope at some point you realize that life is too short to waste so much energy on being aggravated and upset over something that should be reframed.
You should be happy that your BIL/Wife host your MIL. You are out nothing besides half the dinner check. The BIL/Wife are feeding and housing your MIL, so that your two children also benefit from a visit with GMom. Stay home, let your husband take them to see their GMom.
Can you not seriously see that you IMO have the least to complain about. How can you begrudge your MIL when you have nothing to do with her being there....You'd honestly prefer that your babies not even be around their
grandmom??? Wake-up.
You should be happy that your husband loves his mom enough to pay for her dinner. A man often treats his wife much like he treats his Mom....So your husband sounds kind and caring.
I cannot understand the derogatory remarks that have come across that he is being bullied, used, abused....That is ludicrous IMO.
I stated clearly in my post that the husband apparently has an inferiority complex with his brother. That doesn't mean, though, that he's not also generous. I asked the OP if her husband was generous toward her and her kids, and if so, would she want THAT to change? She didn't answer. She hasn't answered a lot of questions on this thread.
Anyway, I bet the answer would be that one of his personality traits IS generosity and loving to give gifts to people. If so, that's a pretty hard wired trait.
See, I believe that every personality trait we have has it's pros and cons but if we try to change the cons of a trait in a loved one, we run the risk of stifling the pros.
My post was more along the lines of "pick your battles."
The OP sounds like a very bitter young woman to me - that's not an attractive trait, by the way.
I couldn't rep you either. I agree with everything you've said here.
OP you simply need to love your husband more than you obviously detest your MIL. That is what loving someone is about....Acceptance and support, not belittling.
Another thing to consider OP. You are modeling for your children how to treat family....having arguments with your husband over family is not something that should be happening. And, your attitude will show, even if they do not hear your angry words.
And, I'm still waiting to hear if you and your husband take your parents to dinner? Do your parents visit?? Do you treat your parents the way you want your husband to treat his ??? You seem to have sided with your FIL....Not one negative thing to say about him??? Does he come visit your babies??
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