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Well, you 've got a lot of work to do. May I suggest turning all this energy into focusing on changing your destructive behaviors by asking YOURSELF why you are such a liar, rather than trying to elicit questions and conversations from others about your behavior?
Well, you 've got a lot of work to do. May I suggest turning all this energy into focusing on changing your destructive behaviors by asking YOURSELF why you are such a liar, rather than trying to elicit questions and conversations from others about your behavior?
And obviously I have done that. How do you think I came to the conclusion that I should seek help? I had to ask myself those questions first, wouldn't you think? I didn't walk into a marriage counselors office out of boredom and of random circumstance.
Any energy I expel relating to my understanding of this behavior is beneficial to me. Therefore it seems to be therapeutic to discuss it as much as possible. Getting various points of view has been helpful to me, as long as it is constructive.
As a man my makeup and definition is not enclosed to this one issue. I am happy with who I am otherwise, and am proud of the many good things I have done, of which I don't need to disclose. But being a liar and a cheater is not who I am, it is what I do. And it is something that I am addressing, am I not?
I wasn't sure exactly how to identify, title, or describe exactly what I mean in the thread title, so forgive me if it is a little off.
First, a little about me. I am 40 years old. Male. Married 15 years to a very wonderful and attractive woman. This woman is the quintessential wife and human being. Caring, loyal, beautiful, supportive, and the most honest and trustworthy person I have ever met. Regardless of my actions, I objectively regard her as one of the finest human beings I have ever known. We have a handful of wonderful children together, which I do love very, very much.
I also must immediately disclose that the decision to come here and post this material is at the suggestion of my therapist, who recently encouraged me to "let the cat out of the bag", so-to-speak, even if it were anonymously. In addition, to find a way to use my sins, and the experience and knowledge that are derived from them, in some positive way (if possible). And so, in a weird way, I am trying to accomplish that here.
I have been married for 15 years. Before my marriage, I was very successful as a single man. Not tall, or particularly well-built (a little on the scrawny side), I learned early on that I had to develop my personality to attract women, as I was at a slight disadvantage (or so I thought) to taller muscular guys. Although it didn't hurt to have nice straight teeth and be mildly attractive in the face.
For reasons unknown, I began to date and court women at an alarming pace. I just simply love women. I love getting to know them, to listen to them, and to be close to them. I enjoy them intellectually as much, if not more than, even physically. Over time I became accustomed to a certain lifestyle where I dated several women at a time. Looking back, I admit, the juggling act was part of the excitement. It kept me busy, and more importantly it kept my mind sharp. Although the very negative aspect of this was that I became very good at lying. The hardest part about lying is that you have to remember what you've lied about. This part was mentally challenging, and that's what I liked about it. I also became very prideful and egotistical in my ability to recover quickly from slip-ups and mistakes, if these lies were not managed carefully. I would like to point out right away that I realize this is offensive, and I do not feel any source of pride in this whatsoever (anymore). I am at a point in my life where I am working to change this. Hopefully this thread will help me along this path.
Anyway, all this practice in lying and dating multiple women all with different personalities also taught me how to speak to women. There are certain things that women want to hear, and how they want to hear it. Voice fluctuation is important in relaying information that builds credibility, as well as bringing out certain emotions or thoughts that I needed them to feel or think at any given time.
Then I got married, and things got worse. In 15 years, I have had the pleasure of getting to know hundreds of women. Most of them were very sweet, mild, caring, loving people. Looking back, I am ashamed how many of them I have disappointed, or hurt. In many ways I justified my actions. I lied to myself. I convinced myself that my short chapter in their lives would be good for them in the long run. I know now that this isn't true. My therapist nicknamed me 'the tear collector'. It wasn't until he coined the moniker that it really hit me. Perhaps my conquests, while on some level I do love and respect women very much, was really a conquest of revenge. I won't go into the details but let's just say my mother might be partially responsible for who I have become. Ok, responsible is a strong word. Let's just say that she provided to me great motivation to lead me to subconsciously revel in the business of heartbreaking.
So anyway, here I am. I have met many women (friends or acquaintances, not lovers) who have no idea of my secret life, who always mention to me about troubles in their relationships with men, and ask me for advice. They have always returned and thanked me for my insight, whether they were warnings about infidelity, or giving supportive advice in defense of these men. In almost all cases, my intuition about these matters have been shockingly spot on. I really enjoy giving advice which leads to the benefit of another relationship. I believe in love, true love, and romance, and believe ever person deserves and needs these things in their lives. On the flip-side, love blinds us and I also get much pleasure in sighting warning flags which otherwise go unnoticed. I can't save women from myself yet, but if I can save them from another douche, then I get a lot of satisfaction in helping them in that way.
So, if you want the unabridged and subjective (or even objective) advice from a serial cheater, feel free to ask away. In closing, just writing all this out was very therapeutic for me. I even learned a few things about myself within this winded disclosure (forgive me for the wall of text).
Sincerely,
LMB
I applaud you for coming forward about it, whether it be to this forum or to friends. You're starting on the right path to coping with your problem.
Although (don't construe this the wrong way) i would love to know how to talk to women as well as you do because it would most certainly help me to dating one. Not to follow your path (because i was already down that road 3 years ago at the age of 19), but to improve mine and to be less awkward.
Anger towards me and what I represent is welcomed and understood completely. Insulting my wife is distasteful and inaccurate. Again, probably one of the best people you would ever have the pleasure of knowing.
She knows I have been unfaithful in the past. She has made it clear to me that she loves me and vowed to commit to me in the hope that I will change. Calling that 'stupid' is subjective. I wouldn't call it that. She's just a very rare kind of woman. Hard to explain.
Well honestly, you are the one making this "wonderful woman" look stupid. This is the situation you have put her in, this is the way she will appear to the outside world when the facts become known (and they will eventually). What do you think people who know her in real life will say when you finally divorce, and/or when your antics become public? "Poor Carol, I can't believe he did that to her, she's so nice! How did she not know, she much have looked the other way, I could never put up with that! She must not have any self esteem. Did you hear he told her and she stayed anyway? What was she thinking?" Hell, her at least one of her daughters is likely to blame her too, because that's what happens with kids. At least one of them will think their mother was weak, or not women enough to hold your attention, or stupid for putting up with your shenanigans. Life is not fair. She will end up with the humiliation, even though all she tried to be was a good person.
You can't get mad at other people. You are the one making this women you respect so much look like a fool.
I applaud you for coming forward about it, whether it be to this forum or to friends. You're starting on the right path to coping with your problem.
Although (don't construe this the wrong way) i would love to know how to talk to women as well as you do because it would most certainly help me to dating one. Not to follow your path (because i was already down that road 3 years ago at the age of 19), but to improve mine and to be less awkward.
ryazer, thank you. It's easy to leap into criticism, even if its warranted. It takes something more to see beyond that, step back, and offer support. And you seem to be a rare breed around here, so thank you.
As far as talking to women is concerned, there are many things that will help, but the most important thing that you need to know is that they are likely as nervous as you are. Women get nervous and are afraid of rejection, just as men are, I think women are just better at hiding it. I've always preached that fake confidence is a fine substitute for low confidence. Have no fear of rejection, and you will be confident. Why does it matter if she blows you off? It doesn't. Move on to the next one. Be frank, and don't repeat lines of the masses, the jocks, whomever. Don't just tell her she has pretty eyes, or that you like her smile, but tell her WHY you think these things. Be confident, but show humility. Listen more than talk, and always...ALWAYS make eye contact.
Practice these two things:
1) Anytime you walk into a building of any kind or establishment of any kind, close your eyes for a moment and pretend (lie to yourself) that you own it. You are the owner and you are here to observe this establishment. Practice this every day and you'll notice your walk and demeanor will change, and women will notice.
2) Make eye contact and hold it until they break it at least once a day. At least once a day, find a stranger, make eye contact, and don't retreat until they do.
Practice these two techniques and give yourself about a month. Then we can talk about how to approach a woman.
Well honestly, you are the one making this "wonderful woman" look stupid. This is the situation you have put her in, this is the way she will appear to the outside world when the facts become known (and they will eventually). What do you think people who know her in real life will say when you finally divorce, and/or when your antics become public? "Poor Carol, I can't believe he did that to her, she's so nice! How did she not know, she much have looked the other way, I could never put up with that! She must not have any self esteem. Did you hear he told her and she stayed anyway? What was she thinking?" Hell, her at least one of her daughters is likely to blame her too, because that's what happens with kids. At least one of them will think their mother was weak, or not women enough to hold your attention, or stupid for putting up with your shenanigans. Life is not fair. She will end up with the humiliation, even though all she tried to be was a good person.
You can't get mad at other people. You are the one making this women you respect so much look like a fool.
'
Not mad at all. And foolishness is very subjective. My mother and father had their problems too, just like many couples. Each of them probably had cause to divorce the other at some point. Yet they sought help because they loved each other. And today they are happily married couple of 41 years. So, 20 years ago, could my mother have been called 'stupid" for sticking with my dad? Sure, I guess. But love and human relationships are not black and white. My wife is as saintly as I claim her to be, and she is very intelligent. Romantic intelligence? Debatable. But she is a person who exhausts all her effort to make something work, and I admire her for that. It is from this admiration, that I have come to this point, where I am making an effort. Maybe its too late, and maybe Ive done too much damage, but she deserves credit for trying her best.
ryazer, thank you. It's easy to leap into criticism, even if its warranted. It takes something more to see beyond that, step back, and offer support. And you seem to be a rare breed around here, so thank you.
As far as talking to women is concerned, there are many things that will help, but the most important thing that you need to know is that they are likely as nervous as you are. Women get nervous and are afraid of rejection, just as men are, I think women are just better at hiding it. I've always preached that fake confidence is a fine substitute for low confidence. Have no fear of rejection, and you will be confident. Why does it matter if she blows you off? It doesn't. Move on to the next one. Be frank, and don't repeat lines of the masses, the jocks, whomever. Don't just tell her she has pretty eyes, or that you like her smile, but tell her WHY you think these things. Be confident, but show humility. Listen more than talk, and always...ALWAYS make eye contact.
Practice these two things:
1) Anytime you walk into a building of any kind or establishment of any kind, close your eyes for a moment and pretend (lie to yourself) that you own it. You are the owner and you are here to observe this establishment. Practice this every day and you'll notice your walk and demeanor will change, and women will notice.
2) Make eye contact and hold it until they break it at least once a day. At least once a day, find a stranger, make eye contact, and don't retreat until they do.
Practice these two techniques and give yourself about a month. Then we can talk about how to approach a woman.
Starting tomorrow i will be doing that & your advice is appreciated. I can respect a man who needs to take a rip for his past/current problems as long as he can take the flak. Coming off of a relationship (and only relationship i cheated in as the girl and i were slowly starting to distance ourselves from) i can reason with you. Hence why i've been single for 4+ years now & the fact that i ruined my own confidence when she fell out of love with me. So i can understand where you're coming from to an extent. But as a younger individual @ 22, even i am glad to see you have humility to put your business out there and vent it out. This way the public can understand. You may not want to be this way, but you are who you are and you're doing what you can to get back to normal (if there is such a thing). No criticizing here, just optimism.
ryazer, thank you. It's easy to leap into criticism, even if its warranted. It takes something more to see beyond that, step back, and offer support. And you seem to be a rare breed around here, so thank you.
As far as talking to women is concerned, there are many things that will help, but the most important thing that you need to know is that they are likely as nervous as you are. Women get nervous and are afraid of rejection, just as men are, I think women are just better at hiding it. I've always preached that fake confidence is a fine substitute for low confidence. Have no fear of rejection, and you will be confident. Why does it matter if she blows you off? It doesn't. Move on to the next one. Be frank, and don't repeat lines of the masses, the jocks, whomever. Don't just tell her she has pretty eyes, or that you like her smile, but tell her WHY you think these things. Be confident, but show humility. Listen more than talk, and always...ALWAYS make eye contact.
Practice these two things:
1) Anytime you walk into a building of any kind or establishment of any kind, close your eyes for a moment and pretend (lie to yourself) that you own it. You are the owner and you are here to observe this establishment. Practice this every day and you'll notice your walk and demeanor will change, and women will notice.
2) Make eye contact and hold it until they break it at least once a day. At least once a day, find a stranger, make eye contact, and don't retreat until they do.
Practice these two techniques and give yourself about a month. Then we can talk about how to approach a woman.
What a relief, you found someone willing to offer you that praise you need so desperately--here on an internet forum. So you can resume your normal stance of lecturing and teaching--"offering advice" here on an internet forum. Such a stud you are! You've told us so many ways. BS: you're a loser and anyone over the age of 22 or with half a brain can see it quite clearly. It's not a "mistake" for you--it's your way of life.
Have fun; you are clearly not here to learn the first thing...I'm outta here as time on this thread is totally wasted. Internet attention wh*re? Heal thyself.
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