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It seems a lot of people on this forum have a very "black and white" view of cheating. There is no room for forgiveness and "once a cheater always a cheater". Well, how do you know the next person you fall in love with doesn't have a cheating past.
Let's think about this (I'm using a guy in this example but please replace "husband" with "wife" if it will help you understand the scenario...
You start dating a wonderful guy who happens to be divorced. The reason he gives is that "we just grew apart and had different goals in life". OK, fair enough, sounds reasonable. He has no children with his ex. You continue dating, meet his friends, meet his family, fall madly in love and get married. Five years later you get invited to a party at a friend's house. While you're there you meet for the first time, a girl who was also friends with your husband's ex-wife and the friend lets it slip that the reason their marriage ended was because your husband cheated on his ex and threw her out of the house in order to move his new lover in. This all happened a couple years before you even met your now-husband. None of his other friends or family ever said a word about this, but after you question a few of them they confess that the story is true but didn't want you to leave him because they really like you.
So, after five years of marriage and a couple kids would you divorce your husband because he's a cheater? Even if he's never cheated on you? How do you trust that he won't cheat on you in the future if he did such a horrible thing to his ex-wife?
Seriously, how many cheaters admit to it while dating, and how would you ever know unless someone tells you?
So, after five years of marriage and a couple kids would you divorce your husband because he's a cheater? Even if he's never cheated on you? How do you trust that he won't cheat on you in the future if he did such a horrible thing to his ex-wife?
That's an interesting dilemma, TT. I really don't know... Actually, the cruelty bothers me more than the infidelity itself.
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Seriously, how many cheaters admit to it while dating, and how would you ever know unless someone tells you?
It seems a lot of people on this forum have a very "black and white" view of cheating. There is no room for forgiveness and "once a cheater always a cheater". Well, how do you know the next person you fall in love with doesn't have a cheating past.
Let's think about this (I'm using a guy in this example but please replace "husband" with "wife" if it will help you understand the scenario...
You start dating a wonderful guy who happens to be divorced. The reason he gives is that "we just grew apart and had different goals in life". OK, fair enough, sounds reasonable. He has no children with his ex. You continue dating, meet his friends, meet his family, fall madly in love and get married. Five years later you get invited to a party at a friend's house. While you're there you meet for the first time, a girl who was also friends with your husband's ex-wife and the friend lets it slip that the reason their marriage ended was because your husband cheated on his ex and threw her out of the house in order to move his new lover in. This all happened a couple years before you even met your now-husband. None of his other friends or family ever said a word about this, but after you question a few of them they confess that the story is true but didn't want you to leave him because they really like you.
So, after five years of marriage and a couple kids would you divorce your husband because he's a cheater? Even if he's never cheated on you? How do you trust that he won't cheat on you in the future if he did such a horrible thing to his ex-wife?
Seriously, how many cheaters admit to it while dating, and how would you ever know unless someone tells you?
Excellent points
The truth is, this is not such a black and white issue.
It seems a lot of people on this forum have a very "black and white" view of cheating. There is no room for forgiveness and "once a cheater always a cheater". Well, how do you know the next person you fall in love with doesn't have a cheating past.
Let's think about this (I'm using a guy in this example but please replace "husband" with "wife" if it will help you understand the scenario...
You start dating a wonderful guy who happens to be divorced. The reason he gives is that "we just grew apart and had different goals in life". OK, fair enough, sounds reasonable. He has no children with his ex. You continue dating, meet his friends, meet his family, fall madly in love and get married. Five years later you get invited to a party at a friend's house. While you're there you meet for the first time, a girl who was also friends with your husband's ex-wife and the friend lets it slip that the reason their marriage ended was because your husband cheated on his ex and threw her out of the house in order to move his new lover in. This all happened a couple years before you even met your now-husband. None of his other friends or family ever said a word about this, but after you question a few of them they confess that the story is true but didn't want you to leave him because they really like you.
So, after five years of marriage and a couple kids would you divorce your husband because he's a cheater? Even if he's never cheated on you? How do you trust that he won't cheat on you in the future if he did such a horrible thing to his ex-wife?
Seriously, how many cheaters admit to it while dating, and how would you ever know unless someone tells you?
I would question the man about it myself and see what he says.
I cheated (and was cheated on) in my first marriage. I will never cheat again. I know this. It is cheap and dispicable and without justification. People don't often change established patterns of behaviour: was he a repeat cheater? Did he make a habit of it? Is there a lineup of women ready to rat him out as a serial cheater? Or did he make a very poor decision once that cost him his marriage?
These questions are important in assessing how you handle this new knowledge.
The biggest concern I would have if I were you would be the fact that he did not tell you about it. I understand shame, and not wanting to reveal it, BUT, I believe if you are committing to spend your life with someone you have the right to ask any question you want and all cards should be on the table.
Many people believe "the past is the past" and sexual history, past transgressions, etc., are no one's business. I don't think they are most people's business, but if you are getting MARRIED, it's a whole new ballgame. The other person has the right to answer or not, of course, and that may or may not satisfy you.
What you need to find out is why he did not tell you. IMHO that is the crunch question.
I would question the man about it myself and see what he says.
Well, let's say he admits to cheating but says that he was young and stupid back then and has learned his lesson. Besides, he says, his wife was too into her job and not enough into the marriage and his new girlfriend was available more. Now he realizes that his ex was probably a better wife than he realized but it was too late - and then he found you...
Oh, and in case anyone is wondering, this thread is not about me - I've never been married.
I think cheating is a major character flaw. There would be circumstances that I may understand it more than others. I know that cheating can be a symptom or a result of other problems, so while I wouldn't necessarily use it to judge a person's overall character, I do feel it's wrong, in a "black & white" sort of way.
However, I've never been cheated on, so I can't say that my reaction would be "black & white. I do believe (and I've said this before) even if I could forgive, I'm not sure I would be able to completely forget. Therefore, the aftermath, the lack of trust or the onset of constant suspicion that every problem may lead down that road, would likely cause the marriage to end anyway. How can you be in a healthy relationship without trust?
In your example, I wouldn't be the one he cheated on, but I would be the one he lied to. So again, I don't think I'd run to the lawyers, but I would feel that our relationship started out with a major ommission and a lack of honesty. Then I would wonder, what else don't I know. So while not the end of the marriage, in this case I would need to know more about the circumstances.
I cheated (and was cheated on) in my first marriage. I will never cheat again. I know this. It is cheap and dispicable and without justification. People don't often change established patterns of behaviour: was he a repeat cheater? Did he make a habit of it? Is there a lineup of women ready to rat him out as a serial cheater? Or did he make a very poor decision once that cost him his marriage?
These questions are important in assessing how you handle this new knowledge.
The biggest concern I would have if I were you would be the fact that he did not tell you about it. I understand shame, and not wanting to reveal it, BUT, I believe if you are committing to spend your life with someone you have the right to ask any question you want and all cards should be on the table.
Many people believe "the past is the past" and sexual history, past transgressions, etc., are no one's business. I don't think they are most people's business, but if you are getting MARRIED, it's a whole new ballgame. The other person has the right to answer or not, of course, and that may or may not satisfy you.
What you need to find out is why he did not tell you. IMHO that is the crunch question.
Congrats on being brave enough to say this
The truth is, some people who have cheated DO learn from the experience and never do it again. You are living proof of that, but you are far from the only one
It's also true that some cheating is just a symptom of much bigger problems and when you get those problems solved, cheating is never an option again.
People with black and white attitudes about cheating who act like all cheating is created equal cheat themselves out of truth
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