Making friends in the Twin Cities (Minneapolis, St. Paul: appointed, assessment, moving)

[Isabel_009]

Thanks... I think we're better off ignoring this person. Seems their only intention is to provoke people and not contribute meaningfully to the conversation. But not to worry, I've received a lot of really good, thoughtful feedback and suggestions on here from others.

Originally Posted by Hanson93

I see nothing wrong with the OP throwing out a bit of sarcasm. She posted an intelligent question seeking info one how to make friends and some posters have decided to vent about and stereotype the entire populaces of various states. Not exactly the type of info she was looking for, I'm sure.

Applesoranges, I'm not sure why it is OK for you to be sarcastic about the entire state of Wisconsin, yet find fault when the OP comments in return? Not too logical.

[User032009]

I've lived here since the early 90s and have yet to make a circle of good, true friends. It seems VERY, VERY difficult to make new friends here. This comes not only from my own personal experiences, but I hear about how other people have problems making friends, too. Unless you are affiliiated with a church, school or some other program, it's tough to develop new friendships, and it's even worse if you're not much of a social butterfly. Work doesn't count because not everyone goes to work to socialize or make friends - I'm one of those types of employees. Take a look at Craigslist.org, and you will see many people who want to make friends, but are just having a terrible time at it, especially new transplants.

Yes, I know of the adage "To make friends, you must be friendly!" However, friendship is a two-way street. The other person must also be willing to make the friendship work. From my (and others) experience, many people here seem to stay within their own circle and will not let you in. I've gone through the ringer, and it's really awful because I'm a very friendly, caring person, but finding a true, long-term friend for me has been like trying to find a contact lens in a haystack! Also, I don't have time for fake, flaky folks or drama queens, so when I come across people who act like that, they get weeded out.

Meetup.com might be a good way to expand your circle, so maybe you can go there, if you haven't already, and see if you can't find a group that shares your interests. Meetin.org is also another good resource.

Good luck in making and finding new friends here - you're going to need it!

[sparksals]

Originally Posted by MN-Born-n-Raised

Isabel.

You have a good start with your ideas.

From my handle, you can tell that I don't have a lot of experience living outside of our fine state. It's my theory that most of what is going on is that Minnesotans have their core circle of friends filled. And while they are "nice", they are not looking to fill any more spots with ease. There is not some MN club. It's a simple matter that if we have enough friends in our mind, we tend on subconsciously close the door. Looking back and digging a little, I remember doing it myself several times.

Since I have read the thread that you referenced, I've paid close attention to what it takes to make friends and when it occurs. I've concluded there is something to it. In the past when I politely shut the door, it was because I saw the other person coming on a little too strong as a friend or I felt I was too busy. I could describe the specific examples if you like. So my message is don't push too hard. It sounds odd to become strategic but I really do think you need to be.

So for fun, recently I've tried to "bust into" some friend groups that were acquaintances before. Just realize that once you find someone that enjoys your company, they may not reciprocate an invitation even though they say yes to a lot of your invites. Keep on asking and eventually the calls will sparsely return. If your pseudo-friends that are in development have Kid's, those return invitations will be much slower than if they don't have Kid's. I'm at the age where parents are "empty nesters". Entering into those circles are much easier.

I've found it takes a weekend trip or a vacation together in order to have stronger bonds. In fact, the circles that I have recently "busted into" have been at our cabin twice. Still, we have to initiate most of the activities. But we are becoming friends with some of their friends so we have gotten a invitations into the larger group events.

Best of luck!

You have hit the nail on the head with how it is to come here, especially with the lack of reciprocity in invites.

We don't have kids, we're in our mid 40's and still find it difficult despite doing the meetup groups etc.

[sparksals]

Originally Posted by Rachel885

I have found it nearly impossible to make friends in Minnesota and I am a friendly, kind, and extraverted twenty-something professional female. I am not out-going to the extreme, but I'm not shy either. I moved out here to be with my husband a few years ago and, despite joining several clubs/groups and being social and active, I have not made a single acquiantance that I keep in touch with beyond the activity, much less a real friend. I have lived in a lot of places during my lifetime, and nowhere are people as distant as they are in Minneapolis/St. Paul. Minnesotans are extremely "nice," but beyond the veneer of niceness, no one wants to branch out and connect. The harsh winters make that process even more difficult.

It might be different in a school setting, though, and hopefully your experience will be better than mine. It makes me feel slightly better to know that there are *a few* people out there who are more-or-less open to meeting others.

My experience mirrors yours completely, including the outgoing personality and joining clubs and social groups. Nothing extends to friendship beyond the superficial socialness.

[sparksals]

Originally Posted by golfgal

You have been here how long and don't have any friends? I find that odd, frankly. Have you ever asked anyone to do anything? Why not invite someone over for a BBQ and see where that leads?

Not so odd. Rachel's experience is the same as mine, despite joining social groups. I have invited neighbours, chatted with them, yet not once have we been invited to their house or received any reciprocity.

[sparksals]

Originally Posted by Isabel_009

I am wondering what people mean when they say that Minnesotans are more "reserved" or "complacent". Specifically, I'm wondering if people with experience might care to compare Minnesotans to Canadians, because Canadians tend to be less effusively friendly than some Americans, and in general Canadians tend to think that Americans are more friendly/less reserved than themselves. This just got me thinking that perhaps I will be right at home because I might find Minnesotans to be comparably reserved to Canadians...

I'm Canadian, married an American and have lived in a few places throughout the US. I left Canada 10 years ago, lived in Asia for 4 years and now 6 years in the States.

My experience with the Canada US thing is that Canadians are more friendly and that Americans are more standoffish. That could be because I'm from Calgary, though, which is much different than Toronto.

So, I don't think it can even be a total comparison when Calgary and Toronto are so different.

[sparksals]

Originally Posted by uptown_urbanist

I'm a native Minnesotan (although have spent a third of my life living elsewhere) and still have got to agree with MeetJeep; I just don't think it's that bad. I know Minnesotans are more reserved than people from some places, and it's a high sticky/low magnet state (meaning lots of native-born MNs stay, and not a huge percentage of new people come in), but my parents didn't grow up in the state, moved to Minneapolis in their early 30s, and managed just fine to find friends. And as far as the stereotype that all of a Minnesotan's friends are going to be family or from high school, well, that hasn't been my experience in Minneapolis. And of course I am biased, but I don't think I'm a "closed off" person who lacks "curiosity" (probably veer the other way, for better or worse), "warmth," or "lifeless."

I fully acknowledge that it can be tough to meet new people after a certain age (that's been a complaint of my friends all over the place, not just in MN) and that it's tougher in some contexts than in others, but I think the problem is overblown. I also wonder if the stereotype was forged a generation ago (when there were even fewer non-Minnesotans in MN), gained traction, and now has a life of its own. I can't speak for all of MN, but Minneapolis has lots of people who have moved from other places and are looking for new friends, as well as lots of people who grew up in MN, moved away, have returned, and are also looking for new friends. Plus, of course, people who have never left who are also open to meeting new people. Don't get me wrong, I like having at least some of my family nearby, and I am still friends with some of the people I knew from high school, but how many people are really satisfied with filling their circle of friends based on a shared experience at 16?

Honestly, how can you even assess how bad it is for those of us when you have not yourself experienced it?

The common theme from us is that it IS difficult to make friends here. It IS a frosty reception. Unless you have experienced it, I really don't understand how our feelings can be dismissed as they are by the native Minnesotans who refuse to believe our experiences.

What's the longest river in the world?

[sparksals]

Originally Posted by Latchkey Kid

This is not about a stereotype forged a generation ago. I knew nothing about it when I moved here. This is from recent personal experiences, mine and many, many other people's. And frankly, this deflection of the problem as being a stereotype or media hype or an age thing or that we are just not trying hard enough is part of the problem. Every region has it's own culture that takes some time to adapt to. We are trying to tell you what one of the difficulties is with moving to this area. And there are too many people reporting the same experience about Minnesota for it to simply be dismissed so easily by natives. It makes it hard to connect with people if they aren't willing to even entertain that things might be different for other people just because that's not the way it is for them.

I completely agree. I am quite shocked by the posts dismissing our experiences and feelings.

[Latchkey Kid]

Originally Posted by sparksals

Honestly, how can you even assess how bad it is for those of us when you have not yourself experienced it?

The common theme from us is that it IS difficult to make friends here. It IS a frosty reception. Unless you have experienced it, I really don't understand how our feelings can be dismissed as they are by the native Minnesotans who refuse to believe our experiences.

Not to mention the assumption that there must just be something deficient in the social skills/personalities of non-natives if they can't make friends here. I have lots of friends, just none of them are from MN.

[sparksals]

Originally Posted by Latchkey Kid

Not to mention the assumption that there must just be something deficient in the social skills/personalities of non-natives if they can't make friends here. I have lots of friends, just none of them are from MN.

Yes. That angers me, to be quite honest, the attitude that because one hasn't experienced it, it can't possibly be true.

My husband and I have been very proactive in trying to establish a social life. We do have friends, but none are from here. They are all transplants. Every single one of them.

Might I suggest you join Twin Cities Transplants on Meetup? That's how we've created somewhat of a social life.