Making friends in the Twin Cities (spring break, unemployed, move)

[G33kGoddess]

Originally Posted by User032009

Whether living in the city or a suburb, people still are having issues (with friendships and making friends in the neighborhood). I have lived in the Twin Cities since moving to MN and still had trouble finding friends. Also, joining Meetup doesn't necessarily aid in making new friends, either.

I agree. My husband and I have lived in three locations in the cities since moving here, all in the suburbs, and had a terrible time meeting people or being accepted into social groups. We chose not to live downtown, since we have children. Over the years I have had several co-workers who were transplants and lived in both downtown/uptown Minneapolis and St.Paul. All friendly, courteous professionals, with an age range from late 20's to early 50's. They all had the same issues.

Quote from one co-worker, originally from the southern U.S., living in downtown Mpls: "I've lived here more than 10 years now. I have friends all over the world. Here I've made a lot of acquaintances, but not one friend."

Quote from another co-worker, originally from the western U.S., living in uptown Mpls: "I've tried everything to meet people - going out, meet-up groups, volunteering - and I'm just getting discouraged. In other places I've lived I made friends quickly. Here, I'm starting to become a hermit. I get turned down so much that I don't even want to go out and try any more."

Over 12 years my husband and I have tried meet-up groups, several different social organizations based around our hobbies and interests, volunteering, PTO, networking, filmmaking, theater (both community and professional), community groups, inviting people in, inviting people out, throwing parties, karoake, and the traditional bar thing. Bear in mind, this list is not complete. Even if we were lucky enough to gain occasional inclusion it was always temporary, and we were always reminded that we were not from here. Even our kids, who were barely old enough when we moved here to remember any other home outside of Minnesota, are reminded by friends, teachers and friend's parents that they weren't born here - making them permanent outsiders. We've tried harder here than any other place we've lived to make friends - and between us, my husband and I have lived all over the U.S. and in Europe. We've never had these kinds of difficulties having a social life anywhere else.

We would have moved earlier, but 1) you have to have a job where you're going 2) we wanted to give our kids stability through their public school years 3) I was diagnosed with a chronic health problem that made us delay the possibility of moving for at least a couple more years. Believe me. We're working on getting out.

[uptown_urbanist]

I know no one answered this before, but for the friend in Uptown, for example: it it fair to blame that on Minnesotans? Because the majority of people living in zip code 55408 (which covers most of Uptown) aren't from Minnesota, and the other surrounding zip codes are also made up of up to 60% (more in some neighborhoods) people who were born out of state. (and those numbers don't even factor in all the people who were born in MN but not in the Twin Cities.) So how exactly do Minnesotans get to shoulder all the blame for shunning "outsiders" here?

And for what it's worth, my son wasn't born here, and no one has ever said anything about that, other than the guy at the passport place who looked at his birth certificate, and that was more of a friendly comment than anything. My husband's not from Minnesota either, and he's never experienced anything of the sort. I still use a California ID, and the most I've ever gotten is "oh, are you in town on a visit?" Are you sure you're not just misinterpreting the situation? I could see maybe a few times, but over and over and over?

[audadvnc]

My daughter was relating a story of one of her school chums who's an AFS student in Germany. Her main complaint? People are so cold and unfriendly there...

[sparksals]

Originally Posted by Globe199

Did you join the Minnesota Wine Meetup? I joined a couple years ago but haven't been to any meetups. I imagine it's not really a kid-friendly event.

I belong to Wine Enthusiasts and Winos and Foodies. Both are adult groups, children never invited. If people have kids, they know that these are not the type of groups to bring the kids.

[sparksals]

Originally Posted by pirate_lafitte

Big reason why I DON'T use meetup.

That's a shame. We have had a few duds, but the vast majority have been great. We sifted through many groups til we found the right groups for us. Sounds like you haven't given it a chance and have just decided it's not for you because the first group doesn't work. It is a work in progress.

We have been very successful with meetup and that is how we created our social circle.

[sparksals]

Originally Posted by Laggard

I have a tough time finding friends and it's simply because there are not a lot of mid 40s punk rock ex pats with my interests who have not moved to the burbs, married and squeezed out a couple pups. My interests are not mainstream and this makes the potential friend pool small.

I've checked out Meetup.com but since I hate dancing, don't care about wine, can't afford fine food and am not a big outdoor person, meetup groups are pretty limited for me.

I don't think you are using the right keywords. There are thousands of meetups in the TCs and they are not limited to the categories you mentioned.

I'm surprised by the negative attitudes about meetup. It is not something that will be a quick fix. You have to be willing to try a few different groups til you find one with which you click.

[sparksals]

Originally Posted by golfgal

So have you tried to take up golf, for example, to meet new people? Because your interests are not mainstream it is everyone else's fault you can't find friends. I have ZERO interest in going to a bar and listen to punk rock music but because I don't like that I am unfriendly??

I never agree with GG, but in this case I do!

[sparksals]

Originally Posted by audadvnc

+1 to golfgal. The tone of this thread seems to be, "I don't like people and I hate their shallow, simple lives - they're not worth knowing. BTW, why doesn't anybody like me?"

And it gives those of us who genuinely have tried a bad name.

[sparksals]

Originally Posted by uptown_urbanist

I know no one answered this before, but for the friend in Uptown, for example: it it fair to blame that on Minnesotans? Because the majority of people living in zip code 55408 (which covers most of Uptown) aren't from Minnesota, and the other surrounding zip codes are also made up of up to 60% (more in some neighborhoods) people who were born out of state. (and those numbers don't even factor in all the people who were born in MN but not in the Twin Cities.) So how exactly do Minnesotans get to shoulder all the blame for shunning "outsiders" here?

And for what it's worth, my son wasn't born here, and no one has ever said anything about that, other than the guy at the passport place who looked at his birth certificate, and that was more of a friendly comment than anything. My husband's not from Minnesota either, and he's never experienced anything of the sort. I still use a California ID, and the most I've ever gotten is "oh, are you in town on a visit?" Are you sure you're not just misinterpreting the situation? I could see maybe a few times, but over and over and over?

C'mon UU... I know exactly what the PP is saying. You are always very objective here, trying to see all sides. Please don't slide to the side that tends to dismiss the situations described here.

I can say for a fact, I have experienced everything the PP mentioned. I can't say I have experienced the stuff with kids, because we don't have any, but we certainly do not have a sense of belonging or acceptance.

[Libby01]

My 2 cents on this oft-debated topic:

I think it's grossly unfair to deny someone their own experiences, just because you yourself haven't experienced it. This seems to be a reoccurring theme on this board. People use their one example of something to deny the other person's opinion- as if their opinion is the only real TRUTH. ("That can't possibly be true because it's never happened to me" type-of-mentality). In my opinion, this is just proving the point that Minnesotans can be difficult personalities to deal with! If enough people are saying something, it probably has some truth to it- whether it has happened to you or not, whether you like it or not.

The places where people typically meet "friends" are neighborhoods, workplaces, school, church or other organizations you may belong to. I think the younger you are, the easier it is to make new friends. Young people gravitate to other younger people in workplaces and neighborhoods and are generally more open to bringing new friends into their fold. I've been in workplaces where it's very easy to make friends and others where it is not. It totally depends on the culture within the office and what stage people are in their lives. Some offices promote a lot of social activities outside the office and others do not. I do think that most of my professional friends were made when I was younger and without kids. There was much more time to socialize outside of the workplace! Once you have kids, it does open up a whole new set of doors to friendships. But if don't have children, I can totally understand how it may be more difficult to make friends here. Minnesota, especially some of the neighborhoods that are very homogonized with all families, can be very exclusive of those without children.