Gay single male looking for friends and love in Twin Cities (and having a difficult time) (Minneapolis: transplants, home)

[manbylake]

Hi guys,
I'm a new transplant in the Twin Cities. I'm gay, single, and in my early thirties. I have been trying to meet new friends and perhaps get into the dating scenes. Went on several dates. Didn't fly. Lost contact. Usually, the other person had been living in this area for a long time and wasn't really interested in keeping in touch once the attraction factor was not there. Friendship seemed just difficult. I understand that they had family and friends here, with a shared history. I am just a newcomer.

Lesbians seem to have a very strong presence here, but what about gay men? Are gay men all so nicely integrated into the general society that they do not have to come out? Are so many of them now married, partnered, and raising kids? On the web, I do see a lot of single gay men out there, mostly on craigslist. But there doesn't seem to be a lot of interest in meeting new people. Everyone seems just comfortable in their own space with solitude, regularity, and predictability. Frankly, I feel that a new comer can live here for several years without making a single friend (not counting coworkers). That, to me, is a bit scary and different from the experience I had living elsewhere in the U.S.

I have thought of many possible reasons. Winter, perhaps a big one since our winters are cold and long. Not a lot of transplants and many don't stay for long. Minnesotans have family and friends and no time for new friends.

Are there gay and lesbian members on this board? What's your take on it? What's been your experience?

[ilyeana]

A friend of mine (who is gay) has very similar complaints about the dating scene - he has a fair number of gay friends, but says that for the most part everyone he knows is happily partnered and settled down despite being about 25. Which might be a general trend among everyone in MSP/the Midwest, not just gay guys. (Sadly, this friend has since relocated to Canada for work, or I'd introduce you two. )

As for making friends as a transplant - I hear this a lot from transplants here, which is really interesting to me because this has not been my experience at all. I came here in 2006, and I had a few friends because I went to college in a town about an hour away, but I've found people very open to making new friends. However, a lot of my friends are themselves transplants, so maybe the secret is to seek out the other transplants.

I think it helps to get involved in stuff - MSP has a high level of civic engagement and volunteerism, which means that there are lots of places and ways to meet people. People I know have met some of their best friends doing things like volunteering at the Fringe festival or working with bike activist groups. If those don't sound like your thing, I'm sure there's something out there that would suit you. It also helps, in my opinion, to live in a part of the city where there are a lot of younger, single folks, and a lot of transplants - Uptown, Northeast, maybe Lowertown, etc.

I know a lot of transplants who totally fall in love with the city and end up staying forever, so I believe that the kind of people you're looking for are out there - you just have to find them!

[Astron1000]

I'd encourage you to check out the many, many GLBT organizations in the Twin Cities. For example, there are 35 teams in the Gay Softball League. There's a gay rugby team, gay gardening clubs, gay choruses (some of the best in North America), a gay marching band, North Star Gay Rodeo, gay naturist club and even a GLBT symphony orchestra (which is actually quite good!). Not to mention the dozens of support groups.

It's quite easy to make friends if you involve yourself in these kinds of activities. Shared experiences are really important and go a long way in maintaining friendships in these parts. Here are some websites. Most also have Facebook pages.

Goodtime Softball League

Minnesota Philharmonic

NorthStar Gay Rodeo Association

Twin Cities Gay Men's Chorus

Mayhem Rugby

Naked Minnesota

Also check out Lavender Magazine.

[wushuliu]

Not gay but have several gay and lesbian friends in the Twin Cities. One, last I was there it did seem like lesbians really had a much stronger and more active presence than gay men in the cities. Dunno if that's changed but I remember thinking before I moved to LA that wow the single lesbian scene was WAY better than straight.

That aside, no matter the preference, being single in the Twin Cities can be difficult - especially in your 30s and older. There is a tendency for people to want to get hitched in their twenties and start a family there. Even if not married, MSP is or certainly was a 'couples' town. The advice above about joining different organization is a VERY good one; not necessarily LGBT but ANY org related to something one loves to do is by FAR the best way to meet someone. I was very involved in theater and arts and it was a great way to meet potential partners. MSP folks take time to warm up to new people on a deeper level and activities that constantly allow interaction with the same people go along way. Yes this could be said of a lot of places but this was especially true of my experience in MSP.

[Olivia2479]

Hello there! We apparently have a lot in common I completely agree with you. It's easy to feel isolated here if you're a transplant. I just moved back to Minneapolis after 11+ years in Los Angeles. I grew up in the suburbs of Minneapolis, went to the U, and headed out to California (West Hollywood - gay mecca!). Then, I decided to move back to MN - for a change of pace/environment, and to be closer to my parents.

So far, I have been back here 5 months, and I'm experiencing a lot of general culture shock (obviously) despite growing up here, and it's been a great deal of trial and error in terms of where to live, jobs, friends, experiences. It's like I'm living in an old, yet new and unfamiliar city. Long story short, since I just wanted to comment.. I'm an early 30's, gay gal (though based on the dating scene here, I may consider a label of bi or straight, or simply cat lady) living in the Uptown area. I do *not* have kids. I am quite single, but hoping someday that will change. Anyways - YES, everyone is settled down, married, has kids, lives in a house.. I can tell you though that I think gay guys have a great scene here. I know plenty of gay events, check out the Lavender Magazine ones. There are lots of lesbians but they are all coupled up!!!! (Oh and they all seem happy unlike the ones in LA

Coming from Los Angeles, this is simply not a transplant city.. I am SO excited to meet transplants.. I miss the nature of LA where everyone moves there from somewhere else. Makes it easy to start friendships, even if they may be slightly shallow. Countless MN people I talk to about this agree with me - both locals, locals who have lived somewhere for 5+ years - it's hard to make friends here. I don't blame people. They grew up here, met someone, settled down, have friends/family established - not a lot of reason to be actively seeking new friends.

We should definitely grab coffee/a drink some time! Feel free to send me a message on here(not sure how this works as it's my first post to City-Data). - And hello to everyone in the forum I read these all the time but finally thought I'd register. I am obsessed with talking about cities! Lately, city crime; and always thinking about where to potentially move should I ever decide on it again. Although I want Minneapolis to work for me. Hopefully I can dole out some decent advice because I've spent much of my life moving! Lol

[MNTwins]

The gay scene in this city is massive, but admission into it requires one to go beyond the bars and immerse themselves into the community. Softball is a huge draw that brings gay men together, as are volleyball leagues (particularly through NAGVA). Also if you're not seeking an organization, stop by the Wilde Roast cafe in NE or either of the two Spyhouse locations. Both are trendy "gay" coffee shops.

While you may meet an overwhelming amount of fellow gays on any given trip to the Saloon or Lush, many people are there looking for a piece of meat to bring home while sporting a facade that theyr'e actually trying to make meaningful friends. In result, the bars are best avoided until you have a group to go with. Trust me, I learned this the hard way.

[magic_science]

Well, not to turn this into a "looking for friends" thread, but I am looking. I am a gay guy, a transplant, and would love to meet new people and hopefully great friends. I am partnered, however my partner still lives in FL, and it's pretty depressing. Should we organize a coffee and/or happy hour meeting for all newbies?

[Astron1000]

Originally Posted by magic_science

Well, not to turn this into a "looking for friends" thread, but I am looking. I am a gay guy, a transplant, and would love to meet new people and hopefully great friends. I am partnered, however my partner still lives in FL, and it's pretty depressing. Should we organize a coffee and/or happy hour meeting for all newbies?

I would be happy to hang out with you guys! Spyhouse, Nicollet, Boiler Room, Diamonds, Mill City All great coffee shops. And if you want drinks, then Psycho Suzi's is just fine

[magic_science]

I was thinking about going to Lavender's first Thursdays happy hour.
Anyone wants to join?

[magic_science]

So I went to wilde roast cafe. It's such a great place! I would definitely go there again.