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I obviously offended someone who left me a private message. That was not my intent. I did post a new thread about this topic for those interested. Obviously, I am not a moderator and my opinion is only that....an opinion. So, I apologize.
I obviously offended someone who left me a private message. That was not my intent. I did post a new thread about this topic for those interested. Obviously, I am not a moderator and my opinion is only that....an opinion. So, I apologize.
No apology needed! You have a right to comment. I enjoyed your post and agree with it. I'll DM you about the other...
Just caught up on this post - it's been a while. I just want to say to Jerzy that it sounds like you're doing everything right. Speaking as someone who had a child out of wedlock (11 years ago now), I think your daughter giving the baby her/your last name is the right choice. My story is in some ways similar to your daughter's. Mom was in school at the time and I worked full time a few hours away, so I knew before the birth that she was going to have primary placement. While I planned to be involved and we were on good terms, there were no guarantees that we were going to get married. I didn't feel it was right to insist that the baby be given my last name. If we ended up getting married, we could cross that bridge when we got there. Because she was in school and we were unmarried, she was on Medicaid during most of the pregnancy and until a few months after the birth of the child. That took the child support decision out of our hands. The state ordered that I repay a portion of the birth costs (~$4000) and pay child support. I'll admit that going through the child support system wasn't fun or easy, but those are the breaks when you have a child out of wedlock. It's not necessarily a bad thing for the father because he can establish legal visitation. I admit that I was at times immature, scared, upset, and naive about having a child young and out of wedlock and what that meant. It didn't take long to realize that I needed to grow up and deal with the situation like an adult. I'm optimistic that the father will do the same. Even if he doesn't, it sounds like your daughter has a great support system around her and things will be OK. Good luck to both of you in the coming weeks. I'm happy to see things are going well!
I could sit here and complain for quite some time about events that have been taking place lately but I won't. It doesn't do any good and just keeps hurt feelings at the surface. The biggest thing I'm upset about is hearing through the grapevine that he is saying he wants a paternity test before the baby leaves the hospital.
I will be sure she asks the attorney about the name. I'll keep you all posted.
It's funny, my daughter seems to be nesting right now and I find it amusing.
She was measuring big and we went for an ultrasound to check and be sure all was ok. It is. You could see more of her features this far along and it's getting pretty exciting. I'm excited to meet her. I'm sure she will be the cutest thing.
Early on in the thread, someone told me that I will be tickled to death to bake with her and things like that. It has stuck with me. I really do look forward to a lot of special times I will spend with her. Never thought I'd say that when I began this journey.
I thought this journey was going to be all about her and how life will change and such. I've found it's a journey for all of us as well.
You all have been incredibly supportive and helpful. I can't thank you all enough for the encouragement you have given me. You've helped me believe that this is not the end of the world as I thought originally but the exciting beginnings of a new and different one. Plans have been rearranged to still attain goals albeit a little differently than originally thought. You know what they say about plans though.
This baby will not suffer. Support or not from the dad. I will encourage my daughter to include him in the day to day responsibilities but should he choose not to, we will make sure she doesn't feel an absence of love no matter what.
I could sit here and complain for quite some time about events that have been taking place lately but I won't. It doesn't do any good and just keeps hurt feelings at the surface. The biggest thing I'm upset about is hearing through the grapevine that he is saying he wants a paternity test before the baby leaves the hospital.
I will be sure she asks the attorney about the name. I'll keep you all posted.
Sorry to hear about this. If that's what he wants to do and assuming there's no doubt it's his child, then she should do it. I'm not sure what the laws are in New Jersey, but in my state if a father disputes paternity and wants a DNA test, he has to pay for the cost of the testing and legal fatherhood is automatically established if (when) it confirms paternity. That makes it much easier and faster for the mother to petition for child support. He probably thinks there's no downside to doing it, but there is - especially with respect to the relationship he has with your daughter and the baby. I'm sure it's not easy to go through these sorts of things at this point in her pregnancy, but he's going to really regret doing this down the road. You are doing the right things to protect your daughter. It sounds like you are going to be an excellent grandmother!
If that's what he wants to do and assuming there's no doubt it's his child, then she should do it. I'm not sure what the laws are in New Jersey, but in my state if a father disputes paternity and wants a DNA test, he has to pay for the cost of the testing and legal fatherhood is automatically established if (when) it confirms paternity. That makes it much easier and faster for the mother to petition for child support. He probably thinks there's no downside to doing it, but there is -
Bingo! That DNA test should be served up to him on a silver platter.
Would you all throw rocks at me when I say a paternity test should be standard when there is acrimony between the people involved? I have daughters and one son so I see this from both sides. For my daughters I would tell them that a paternity test will simply prove to the young man and the young woman that he is the father and there will never be drama after the fact with him declaring otherwise. For my son I would say some girls either aren't sure themselves or could be trying to make a boy pay for dumping her and paternity test prove you either are and have responsibilities for many many more years or you aren't and you dodged a bullet so keep it in your pants or at least use protection every time.
I am sure the boy doesn't really think the child isn't his, but I bet someone in his family does. I know this hurts you daughter's feelings Jersey, but tell her this erases any doubts from his extended family. I am sure he is getting pressure to have this test done.
His reasoning is that he's bitter and angry that the relationship isn't what he wants it to be. That's fine. I have to be honest and say if it were my son and he had any doubts, I would want him to get one. This is just a petty game to try and hurt my daughters feelings. So be it. If he wants one, that's fine, he should order one. She has no doubts at all.
I am just so sorry things have gotten like this. It's very disheartening and upsetting. I'm doing my best to simply try and keep her spirits up which is getting tougher. She's soooo cranky and uncomfortable. I understand though.
I feel so bad for your daughter. I am sure her heart is breaking because even though she knows things will be difficult, it's different to actually go through them. This must break your heart a bit too. We will be here to hear you vent!
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I'll DM you about the other...
