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I have never been successful at transitioning people from acquaintances to friends. I have invited women to events/hangout/shop/activities etc based on our mutual interests, and rarely get a positive response. I don't know if it is something I'm doing 'wrong'. I'm a genuinely friendly, caring and interesting person. I do wish I had more friends, but I have no idea how to accomplish it.
i suspect Im not alone in this. To me it isn't any easier to make women friends than it is to find dates. Have you ever been to a Meetup? Lots of women at those who need friends.
Yes! This pretty much sums up my problem too.
As a child I was painfully, terribly shy and a loner, bullied all through school until mid-high school when I finally made a small circle of girlfriends, however we lost touch after graduating.
Now as an adult and young mom after moving away from extended family, I've been pushing myself waaay out of my comfort zone, trying to overcome my shyness and social awkwardness in order to make some friends at our new place, for my son to have playmates etc. I've succeeded in meeting moms and having a circle of casual acquaintances - people to invite over for a birthday party or do a playdate. However, it never went beyond that with most. All the other moms continued to treat me as a distant casual acquaintance, we never broke past that barrier. Meanwhile, a bunch of them, having met each other at the same time as me, have instantly become truly close friends with one another, planning family vacations together, etc. I just don't get why I have such trouble getting to that stage. I'm definitely on the quiet side, and I don't tend to do that loud chatter-box giggly thing women tend to at social gatherings, mainly because I'm shy. However I can be a good friend, a good listener, and supportive, but I feel like others find me boring and unmemorable. The whole thing about people wanting someone who listens to them is bs I find - most are drawn to those who can lead a conversation and entertain, make others laugh, tell interesting stories, etc., and I'll never get there.
I've tried all the usual suggestions for meeting people like Meetup, mom groups, etc. 'Meeting' people is not the issue; it's carrying things over past the initial 'nice-to-meet-you' casual small talk to the 'friend' zone. It is absolutely harder than dating.
My bf is 28 and only has acquaintances. He had a best friend, the guy moved up north, and he just hasn't really made an effort to make another. So when we do stuff, except for a recent coworker he casually befriended, I tend to spearhead it as stuff we do as a couple. But he's kind of shy/introverted/a loner by nature anyway so I don't know how much it bothers him.
Myself, I'm highly social and I make friends easily (lose the bad ones just as easily, maybe because of my awareness of how easily I can replace irritating people or flakes). We really tend to balance each other out. I think we need what the other provides. He makes me feel grounded.
I believe it is extremely uncommon to be totally isolated as a young adult. Elderly people are more likely to find themselves alone, but people in the prime of life are very rarely without any friends at all.
You're wrong. People transitioning from college to the working world often find themselves very isolated.
I'm turning 30 next month and have no friends. I've had very few friends in my entire lifetime. I've always been very shy with very poor social skills. I think that I'm on the borderline for a diagnosis of Aspergers syndrome.
Life is extremely bleak and lonely. I have encountered very few people who have ostensibly had no friends whatsoever. So it does seem somewhat unusual to be in my position. I'm not sure what I could do to change my situation. Because I've been so long without friends, I don't have many shared experiences that would help me to relate to someone. So I'd always be the quiet person with whom it is difficult to maintain a conversation for long. There are worse people who have friends, so I feel like morally I am worthy of friendship. But it's simply very difficult to make someone wish to have me in their company. It's quite desperate, really.
I'm 21 and I don't have many friends. By choice. I'm not socially awkward. I just don't care for the crap the "young" people do for fun these days like going to clubs, partying, drinking, and smoking. I never have.
I'm turning 30 next month and have no friends. I've had very few friends in my entire lifetime. I've always been very shy with very poor social skills. I think that I'm on the borderline for a diagnosis of Aspergers syndrome.
Life is extremely bleak and lonely. I have encountered very few people who have ostensibly had no friends whatsoever. So it does seem somewhat unusual to be in my position. I'm not sure what I could do to change my situation. Because I've been so long without friends, I don't have many shared experiences that would help me to relate to someone. So I'd always be the quiet person with whom it is difficult to maintain a conversation for long. There are worse people who have friends, so I feel like morally I am worthy of friendship. But it's simply very difficult to make someone wish to have me in their company. It's quite desperate, really.
Seems like Asperger's is a common thread among people who feel like they don't have many / any friends... or at least people who meet their uncommonly high standards so as to be called friends. I wonder if this is true... it'd make a great study, for sure.
So much of what you said is the way I feel too. I get together with guys, and they talk about things such as football, hunting, and drinking. Well, I don't play nor watch football, I don't hunt (though I wouldn't be opposed to doing so if I also knew how to strip the carcass and cook the meat), and I don't drink. I get together with women and at my age all they talk about is their kids. I don't have kids. I find myself having far more in common with women than men, but it still isn't much. When I get going in a conversation, I can go a long time... but who else really wants to hear about the life of a performing musician, when so few people actually are performing musicians?
I guess this is why I have a lot of acquaintances but hardly any friends. With acquaintances you don't have to have commonalities. You don't have to have shared experiences. You just know each other and would be nice people to each other whenever you're around each other.
I conducted an interesting experiment two years ago when I ditched Facebook. I had over 100 "friends" and I decided to get rid of Facebook. For seven days, once each day, I told people "In [however many] days, I'm getting rid of Facebook. Any of you who want to stay in contact with me, I'd love to keep in touch... my e-mail address is [address], so shoot me an e-mail." This shows up on their "news feed" every day, and anyone who actually cared to check my profile would've seen it too. Remember what I said - SEVEN TIMES I did this. You know how many of my 100+ "friends" actually contacted me?
FOUR.
Okay, so a few of them were people I also talked with outside of Facebook, but it was still over 100 with whom I didn't communicate outside of Facebook. Some friends, when <4% of them actually wanted to stay in touch outside of Facebook. Really makes me wonder why they wanted to "friend me" anyway... maybe just to jack up THEIR number of friends so that they wouldn't feel as much like losers.
I know all about not being able to relate to people. At my last job, when topics like sports, drinking, women or cars would come up (all topics I either no nothing about, very little or have no interest whatsoever), I'd usually be in the background just listening in on the conversations without having much to contribute. I also couldn't relate when people talked about their experiences with their circle of friends. I rarely hung out with people other than my self, so the concept of "multiple outings with friends" was not something I knew much about. This is why I go to places like Comic Con, anime conventions and similar types of events; to meet like-minded people and have conversations about subjects that interest me. Unfortunately, I never seem to have much luck at those events either. *shrugs*
I've already dumped my myriad of facebook friends. It's down to less than 10; mostly family and some friends. I didn't see the point of having "friends" who weren't going to talk to me anyway. I say she was surprised that I texted her, long after she accepted my friend request. I also had another one say (after she accepted too) that she barely remembered me. So, I figured it was pretty pointless after that.
Seems like Asperger's is a common thread among people who feel like they don't have many / any friends... or at least people who meet their uncommonly high standards so as to be called friends. I wonder if this is true... it'd make a great study, for sure.
So much of what you said is the way I feel too. I get together with guys, and they talk about things such as football, hunting, and drinking. Well, I don't play nor watch football, I don't hunt (though I wouldn't be opposed to doing so if I also knew how to strip the carcass and cook the meat), and I don't drink. I get together with women and at my age all they talk about is their kids. I don't have kids. I find myself having far more in common with women than men, but it still isn't much. When I get going in a conversation, I can go a long time... but who else really wants to hear about the life of a performing musician, when so few people actually are performing musicians?
I guess this is why I have a lot of acquaintances but hardly any friends. With acquaintances you don't have to have commonalities. You don't have to have shared experiences. You just know each other and would be nice people to each other whenever you're around each other.
I conducted an interesting experiment two years ago when I ditched Facebook. I had over 100 "friends" and I decided to get rid of Facebook. For seven days, once each day, I told people "In [however many] days, I'm getting rid of Facebook. Any of you who want to stay in contact with me, I'd love to keep in touch... my e-mail address is [address], so shoot me an e-mail." This shows up on their "news feed" every day, and anyone who actually cared to check my profile would've seen it too. Remember what I said - SEVEN TIMES I did this. You know how many of my 100+ "friends" actually contacted me?
FOUR.
Okay, so a few of them were people I also talked with outside of Facebook, but it was still over 100 with whom I didn't communicate outside of Facebook. Some friends, when <4% of them actually wanted to stay in touch outside of Facebook. Really makes me wonder why they wanted to "friend me" anyway... maybe just to jack up THEIR number of friends so that they wouldn't feel as much like losers.
I'd like to have one reason to be proud of myself or my accomplishments, and even if this wasn't something that others could relate to (like being a performing musician), it would at least serve to imbue me with a foundational belief that I'm not worthless, which may be conducive to social confidence.
I think that if I were one of the people in your 'experiment', I would probably have refrained from emailing you. But only because I'm so insecure, I wouldn't have been so presumptuous as to think that I would be one of the select few with whom you'd like to stay in touch. I know that Facebook friends can be 10 a penny, so I wouldn't want to overestimate the strength of our connection. Also, not sure of how I would start the email. I can remember making friends with people in the summer when I've been away working and wishing to stay in contact with them, but not having the courage to offer my email address. One person even discussed staying in touch, but on the last day, she never gave me her email or requested mine, and I couldn't muster the courage to hold her to her offer to stay in touch.
Although I have many more nights to myself, which I am well used to and okay with, I'm more comfortable having the fewest number of friends that I know are true friends than I am a greater number of casual 'friends'. I really have no time or patience for casual acquaintances. I'm just not psychologically built like that, although the very occasional casual social occasion amongst superficial 'friends' is okay. After a while, though, crocodile smiles get old.
I used to have a relatively large number of friends; not just Facebook style acquaintances, but persons whom I actually considered friends. The thing is, no matter how good you think a friend is, you will never really know until they are tested as such. Do they stick with and help you through down times? Do they not care that you're broke or unemployed? Are they consistently honest and reliable? Are they not easily offended or scared away by something that you say or do? Do they generally respect you? These are the signs of a friend. You won't know until you need them to be there for you, and their actions will then be their test. I guarantee that most people would be surprised at the results of such a test for many people that they consider to be even close or best friends.
Friendship tends to be a delicate thing, unfortunately, and separation or perceived slights can easily deplete your friendship pool very fast once you reach adulthood and your opportunity and flexibility in meeting what could become good friends decreases. Humans who have the opportunity to build up such stock early in life, through college attendance for example, will likely keep a larger group of friends for a longer period of time. I am empathetic about the lack of social opportunity for those who don't attend college, in terms of the probable consequences to the friendship pool later in life.
I've shed at least two friends in the past six years that I thought were very close. I was the best man at one of their weddings, and in the wedding party at the other's wedding. It happens, and it may not have anything to do with you. It can happen despite your being an exceptional friend to them.
I feel extremely fortunate to have 2, maybe 3 (the third comes and goes), real friends left not including my six-years younger brother. The one friend I have left I've known since I was 6 years old. The thing is, we're not alike at all. We don't have much in common except growing up together. Our personalities are almost antipodal. However, I have his loyalty and confidence. That's what matters. In return, he has mine. He's a legitimate friend. Though, because we are so different, we only hang out once every few months or more and most often at formal family gatherings. Our history and personalities make us more like brothers than real friends. There are separate advantages to friends and brothers. My other reliable good friend is much more like me, but he lives 2 hours away. We met in my last semester of college, he's four years younger, and I see him about twice per year. He's the one friend who I keep up with, even though I had over sixty superficial friends upon leaving college. My third, more transient friend is also from college. Once he got married, he pretty much dropped out but we were close and so we try to keep it going with maybe 2 get-together's per year. That's it for friends, and I feel extremely lucky to have that. I can see how someone could easily find themselves without friends given the fragile nature of social relationships across the lifespan.
Also, things also get much worse for a large, generalized friend pool if you go through bad times. Some of it is because some people may shun you in passive or aggressive ways, and some of it will be because of the social 'avoidance' impulse that people who lose self-esteem go through. My only advice is to try to avoid the impulse to avoid your friend pool if you go through a tough time, if for nothing than it's extremely difficult to rebuild that pool in later age. Keep your friendships alive for better times, and if your friends are going to disassociate then let them be responsible for it unless they prove themselves to be bad friends.
Poverty is a soul killer, and I think that the social isolation that often results from it should be given more national attention. Many people might check their social impulse to abandon people they perceive to not be doing well if they were more conscious of it as an irrational impulse (assuming you aren't asking them for anything other than for their friendship).
I'm in my 20s and I have "Facebook friends" who talk to me just every now and then. I have few close friends I text every day or at least once a week.
Then there are people I just know from high school and college, but we're not close or anything. It's only enough to say we know each other so that we don't have to act like complete strangers. I've tried to see if I could hang out with them by contacting them on Facebook and/or texting or calling, but they always leave me hanging
I've noticed that in some online communities (forums, chatrooms, etc) I can stick around long enough to make "friends" I talk to on a regular basis, but I rarely get the feeling that it's the same type of friendship that most people think about. In some of these conversations, we can use our mics and webcams (if we feel comfortable enough and trust each other) so we can tell the other person is not a complete troll.
But of course, I only do this when I'm alone because if you saw me talking to my laptop and saw a picture of some girl from Scotland on the screen, you'd start wondering how I know her and why I'm talking to a girl who lives across the ocean and whom I met on the internet. Sometimes we've talked "face-to-face" using our microphones about a meet-up, but we both knew it was never going to happen. It was just something we discussed to pass the time and talk about how fun it would be.
If you stay in any type of chat community long enough, trolls and stalkers catch up to where you go everyday and start causing trouble. I've complained to moderators, but they've always told me to ignore the creeps and leave it alone because the admins will take care of troublemakers. I got that from pretty much everyone online. It's unfortunate that some people expect you to not speak up about someone harassing you because they think they should be the only ones to decide what to do about it (in some cases nothing because it's their "friend"). These creeps write down and save whatever they can to their computers. If you ever share information with them, they remember that for a very long time and keep sharing that with other strangers.
For example, if I finally got comfortable enough to tell people that I was an IT guy working in Boston, they would go and tell everyone else that I lived in Boston. If they had some random user come in and claim to live in Boston, they would also bring up my name saying that I live there too. So if anyone wanted to get more information about me, all they would have to do is go on this chat and bring up my name, and the members would just feed them all information this user wanted to know. When I realized how risky and dangerous this might be, I stopped sharing more information, and I was glad I had given them so much incorrect information that it confused everyone. To one person, I'd say I was in Philly and to another, I'd say I was in NYC. I know I sound pretty paranoid there, but sometimes you have to think about what's possible when you tell someone something online.
Now I'm trying not to join those types of online communities because I always run into the same problem. I don't ever try to fix any problems because I never get the authority to do much on those websites. Instead of staying and fighting a losing battle, I just left. Most people don't know where I went and they also don't know what I do, which is for the best.
As of right now I'm just trying to see if I can meet people through my new job and meet friends of coworkers or possibly friends of friends once they become my friends.
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