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I am 29 and with a gf. But I do not have many friends where I lived in DC. The few I have are often too busy and it is hard to find time to hang out with them. When I go back (to my hometown) I have a handful of very good friends (3 or 4).
But I find it hard to identify with most people and conversing with them to be somewhat of a chore because, most of the time, I just do not care about celebrity gossip, sports or being transfixed on my iphone 5. But this is what most people seem to care about. I often do not know what to say when people bring up these topics and would rather avoid the awkwardness. I also do not mind silence and do not feel the need to stop the silence with small talk or meaningless questions, I don't like that.
Having a few friends is not rare, or at least, not to the extent that people make it out to be. I even find that America kind of vilifies introversion. But I just do not often find those I can feel comfortable with and have a good conversation with. Introversion has its pros, as I find many people who are introverted tend to be more introspective. But again, in the states, there are so many social expectations. Most of the time, I just find them to be forced. Such as, why smile if you do not feel like it? That is one of the things I dislike most. I am not even angry, just neutral. Especially for pictures, I see nothing wrong with a neutral face and forced smiles to look quite awkward and goofy. But people seem to think that I am angry because I am not smiling.
My best friends, I have 3, are from early childhood. I met them when I was 9 or 10. After I became an adult and moved away from home I met new friends but nobody I stayed real close with. After I moved to The USA I only met 1 girl I became close to. My coworkers became my "friends" but not the kind of friend I would spill my secrets to. In the last 2 years I met one more friend that I actually hang out with. So right now I have 2 new good friends and 3 old time BF's. Unfortunately I never get to see my BF's sense I live 5000 miles away but we still stay in contact and visit when we can.
I think it is very important to not look to hard to find a friend. You either click or you don't. I can't stand having to fight for somebodies friendship or acting like something other than yourself. The lady I met 2 years ago we clicked right away. Her and my son is in the same class and they are both little devils so that's how we kind of met. She is so laid back and relaxed but very generous and kind. After work it's getting the kids homework done, dinner, send them to bed and finally settle down with a glass of wine. That's how we both are. Perfect fit. It's no drama, no prudishness, what you see is what you get. Nobody is trying too hard.
When I drop my son off to school there is this one mom who seems to know everyone and she is friendly with EVERYBODY. So not my type. lol
I'm 25 and I don't have any close friends. I have a few acquaintances from church and school that I speak to once in a blue moon. But really I don't have any friends. I guess I never really valued friendships in the past and I am kind of socially awkward. I don't mind being alone most of the time but it can get very lonely. I never celebrate my birthday, I rarely get invited to parties, but I wish I had good friends to do fun things with.
I think it's kind of funny that someone commented that they "only"had 5 friends who are kind of obligated to be their bridesmaids at their wedding. I wish I had even one close friend who could be my bridesmaid if that day comes.
I think it's really important to cultivate at least three local friends for whom you would do anything and vice-versa. These are not "internet friends" or "casual friends," but people you would call to pick you up from the hospital after surgery if you didn't have sibs or other relatives nearby to step in.
I understand that many people have social difficulties and finding friends can be a nightmare, but as part of survival and a quality life, I recommend trying to cultivate the basic three. More are possible! But three is a good number for those who aren't social butterflies.
They don't even have to be exactly your age. The important thing is that you can depend on each other in a crisis.
Now, it is not possible and not healthy to be isolated. We, humans, need companionship and other human's touch since birth. Babies and infants who are neglected develop behavioral problems. We all need someone to love us unconditionally; a friend whose shoulder to cry on.
I suggest to all of you to find new friends. Yes, life is tough and all of us experienced ups and down. A friend is there for the long run. A real friend wouldn't care if you do bad now even if he/she is successful. A real friend would help you and make you feel special. Don't give it up. Look for new friends. You don;t need more. A few, probably less then the fingers of one hand would be plenty. But it would make a difference in one's life.
Try meetups and dance lessons. People there are usually very friendly.
I have a question for all of you who say you have "no" friends or very few, although you wish you had more.
What are you DOING about it?
People don't knock on your door and say, "Would you be my friend?" You meet people by extending yourself. First and foremost, leave your house.
Take a class — it doesn't have to be something intellectual ... learn cooking, car repair, gardening, dancing, a sport. Join a club. Join a church. Do volunteer work related to a subject you care about. Get active in a political group or some other cause you care about. Do social things with a MeetUp group like going to movies, hiking, biking. Start going to a gym. Get a pet and interact with other pet owners. Learn about your ancestors and join a cultural group related to your ethnicity. If you were ever interested in any kind of art form ... painting, music, writing, pottery, carpentry, metalwork, sewing, crafts ... take some instructions then join a group of others who are interested in that. Your public library is a good source of activities in your neighborhood. http://www.meetup.com/
If you're shy, volunteer work is the best. Surely there's some subject you're interested in or some place you are comfortable where you can interact with people in safe way. If you are helping people, it doesn't matter if you have poor social skills, they will appreciate your time and generosity. Be a Big Sister/Brother. Tutor kids or people learning English as a second language. Work with veterans, the elderly, the sick, the homeless. Libraries, museums, galleries, public gardens, hospitals, even police forces all rely on volunteer labor. If you have a nice voice, read on the radio station for the blind. Be a volunteer usher at a theater or a concert hall to get free tickets. Give your time to animals by working at a shelter walking the animals, bathing them, etc. http://www.volunteermatch.org/
If you really are freaked out about leaving your house to do any of these things, or not a single thing on this list interests you, then you probably suffer from anhedonia, which is a symptom of major depressive disorder and you should see a doctor. There are medications that can significantly effect your mood in a positive way. If you're paralyzed with shyness and it's interfering with a fulfilled life you need to see a therapist. Therapy doesn't have to be a major commitment; you can just seek advice in a couple of meetings. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...-and-anhedonia
Meemur gave good advice saying you should cultivate at least three friends who live in your area. I'd like to add another three to that and say get out of the house a minimum of THREE TIMES A WEEK and do something productive that requires you to interact with other people. Be friendly, be a good listener, give away your time and talents within reason. You WILL make friends.
Last edited by Jukesgrrl; 05-28-2014 at 11:47 PM..
Reason: added links
I purposely don't have any friends. I finally got fed up with "friends" always wanting something from me. It got to the point I would answer the phone and say "ya, I'm fine, family's fine, now what do you want". It was a game to see how long they would "chit chat" before they got to the real reason they called. Always to borrow something, ask me to do something, help them somehow, etc. etc.
I am much happier and I have a lot more time in my life and money in my pocket with no friends in my life.
The final stray for me was the last friend I dumped. I asked them to go to a movie theater and they whined it was too far to drive etc. ( it was mid way between us ). Then several months later that same person called and wanted something I had and suggested we meet ( AT THE SAME PLACE ) and they would rush right over. Well that was it, I met them gave them what they "needed from me" and that was the last day I saw them ...ahhhhhhhh, feels soo good.
Some of the best people never come out of their house, so you are unlikely to meet them, If you have a hobby, maybe there is a local group for that, depending on how unusual the hobby & size of town. Many lose friends at end of high school or college as people move. If you feel you have 0 friends, can you pinpoint age & reasons? Are you in a town most 20 & 30 somethings consider boring? Do you have common interests with your more recent friends? Do you have unusual interests? It only takes 1 "miracle" to make your life better, like if you meet someone with many friends that introduces you to many.
Do you sense your interests are different from most? Some say some people are people who are outgoing & like to have many friends. Others may be more thing oriented, loners who like to study or whatever, & may feel uncomfortable with others if they don't know shared interests. Generally, the more interests you have, the more friends you have. If you have depression, that can cause fewer or no strong interests.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Doll Eyes
How common is it to not have any friends at all? Is anyone in their 20s or 30s that do not have any friends?
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