Anyone in their 20s or 30s do not have any friends (member, gatherings)
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How common is it to not have any friends at all? Is anyone in their 20s or 30s that do not have any friends?
I swear, the people on this thread who claim not to have any friends should start talking with each other and become friends!
I'm 34 years old and I have Asperger's syndrome. So there we have that I'm in the stated age group, and there we have the main reason why I don't have any close friends. Anyone out there with Asperger's knows exactly what I'm talking about. (Any of y'all on this thread have Asperger's?)
My wife is the closest friend I have but lately she has been making it abundantly and painfully clear that she doesn't understand me, and she isn't doing everything she can to TRY to understand me. The same is true of pretty much everyone else - they don't "get" me and I don't "get" them - so I end up with nobody who understands me on as deep a level as I would like. You may as well call it "no friends" - often I feel like an island, even though there are plenty of people out there I'd call "acquaintances" who'd do just about anything for me if I asked. Yet, if I only had a nickel for every time I have said "nobody knows what it's like being me"...!!
That being said, there are people who invite me over to their houses... of course it's always me and my wife, not that that's a problem, but to me a friend is not just someone who enjoys your company enough to have you in his/her physical proximity by choice. A friend is someone who has delved into the depths of your mind because he/she wanted to, who has allowed you to do the same with him/her because he/she wanted you to see what lies deep beneath the surface, who understands you better than most everyone else out there and whom you understand at that same level, whom you can trust with your deepest secrets and who tells you his/hers, and who puts forth effort into maintaining the freshness of the relationship.
There's a guy I've been "friends" with for approximately 15 years. Yet, if I never called him, he'd never contact me. That's the way that most of my friendships have died. The people stopped wanting to contact me. Yes, some of the friendships have died because I told the people, in whatever wording I chose at the time, that I no longer desired their friendship... but there was always a good reason for that. When you don't have many friends to begin with, you don't just ditch the ones you DO have for BS reasons.
So... yeah... no friends, or at least no people who are close enough to reach the definition of "friend" in my dictionary. Were a serious crisis to arise involving my relationship with my wife, I would have nobody to turn to for advice aside from my parents - who'd just tell me that I should've waited to get married, which isn't advice at all.
A friend will help you move. A good friend will help you move a body. Good thing I don't need any bodies moved!
Most people I know are acquaintances--nothing much more than that. I doubt I could count on them for much commitment, even if I needed just a little bit of help.
Most people wouldn't want to be friends with someone whose life is not going well. People act like everyone can just make best friends of complete strangers at 30 years old. I don't even think I'd want friends because my life isn't going well, and people like to be friends with happy and successful people. It's hard when you have nowhere to live, no car, no money, no decent job and have a lot of problems going on. I'm the type of person who doesn't like to be seen in a very low place in life, so there's a lot of hesitance to have to expose that to a stranger and be judged and rejected, or ridiculed, as being what they'd perceive as being a loser.
But I suppose it could be more effective to join a support group for people in similar situations who are trying to rebuild their lives from scratch and would be more empathetic. Maybe myself and others who are like me and feel too ashamed to make friends could make friends there and help each other. It's very difficult living with no one to turn to.
I'm 25 and still have the same friends from childhood. We all grew up together and went to preschool through high school together. There are a couple friends I've made along the way but the ones who have lasted are the ones I've known since childhood. We still hang out, even the few who have moved away. My ex found it odd, I found it odd he has NO friends other then recent friends (not so surprisingly now).
Most people wouldn't want to be friends with someone whose life is not going well. People act like everyone can just make best friends of complete strangers at 30 years old. I don't even think I'd want friends because my life isn't going well, and people like to be friends with happy and successful people. It's hard when you have nowhere to live, no car, no money, no decent job and have a lot of problems going on. I'm the type of person who doesn't like to be seen in a very low place in life, so there's a lot of hesitance to have to expose that to a stranger and be judged and rejected, or ridiculed, as being what they'd perceive as being a loser.
But I suppose it could be more effective to join a support group for people in similar situations who are trying to rebuild their lives from scratch and would be more empathetic. Maybe myself and others who are like me and feel too ashamed to make friends could make friends there and help each other. It's very difficult living with no one to turn to.
I don't think that boldfaced statement is true. After all, I'd bet that most people have gripes about their lives. The fact that they rarely project those to the world doesn't change the fact that they exist.
Many people don't want to be "Debbie Downers", which is why they will clam up when their lives are going poorly. I should know - I'm one such person. The thing that sucks the most is that that is the time when you need friends the most. Perhaps that would qualify, in your words, as being "ashamed to make friends". Personally, I get thinking "man, I wouldn't want to burden someone else with my issues right now"... even though I very rarely get burdened with someone else's issues should they choose to unload them on me and seek my advice. The only times I've ever gotten so burdened down with someone else's issues that I wanted to tell them to buzz off was when I would give the same advice repeatedly and the person wouldn't take that advice... then he/she would come back to me complaining about the same problem which, of course, is not solved because he/she didn't even try what I suggested!
People's definition of "a low place in life" is always relative. It depends upon what value system they use to compute someone's position in life. For example, I have been homeless. But I wasn't using drugs, smoking, drinking, etc... and I did have gainful work. So if "do you have a home?" was the only scale they'd use to figure out a person's position in life, I'd have been no higher on the totem pole than the drunk who camps out under a bridge and holds a cardboard sign hoping to get his beer money from passers-by... for, at that time, my home was either my truck or whatever hotel room I felt like paying for. However, if the scale included "do you engage in any self-destructive practices", then I'd have been substantially higher than the drunk. It always varies, from person to person.
I think we all have a higher standard for "a good place in life" for ourselves than others have for us. Someone will say "man, you're doing well!"... and we'll think "heh, if only you saw what my life is REALLY like". Don't judge a book by its cover. Personally, when I think about where someone is at in life, I judge that by how the person thinks and acts... not the size of his/her bank account, not the car he/she drives, not the job he/she has, etc. All of those things have external components, meaning that the affected person is never 100% in control of any of them. Every person IS 100% in control of his/her thoughts and actions, so that's the only reasonable metric to use when determining where someone is at in life.
Maybe that's why I don't have any "friends" worth speaking of. I find most people's lack of self-control appalling and I can't truly "befriend" people whose thought and action patterns deviate significantly from mine.
I think a lot of people get depressed and self pity themselves because television gives the appearance that everyone has all these "friends"! Sitcoms have the usual group that meet up at the bar, or barge into homes, always around- so many friends!
I ask around- and find that most people do not have friends. Yes- the truth. If an adult DOES have a friend or friends- they are usually from college, or life long friends from childhood. The facts are that most adults are "single-tons". On the message boards, etc I hear things like "my friend just told me" or "I was just out with friends and.." I suspect these "friends" may be a relative in reality. Or non-existent altogether.
Darnit! I just had a futile search on Reddit for a hilarious image a guy posted- something like "at the amusement park with my friends" it was a picture of himself only- not a "friend" in sight- LOL the replies he got were equally amusing "no way dude, thats my girlfriend!" (as in- there was no one there- no 'girlfriend' get the joke"
Married people I know in their 20s/30s are friends with their children's friends parents- and those are more like acquaintances. With everyone so mobile now, friends are difficult to acquire- and keep. It's difficult to make same-sex friends- goodness, how does a person do that? I found I had to give a disclaimer when attempting this myself "hey I'm not a homosexual or anything... but want to hang out sometime?" it was awkward.
IF you are in the market FOR friends- best way is to join some type of group or club. Ham radio, gun enthusiasts (there is a group of Japanese war weapons my uncle belongs to- he has made many good friends through them), animal rights, ecologically minded groups, oh there are so many! Volunteering, church groups, those are good places to make friends.
You do not need to drink to have friends- contrary to a lot of beliefs including the one I used to have. I lost a lot of "bar buddies" when I quit drinking. And we had good times, too- its just that a non-drinker is a bore to those who do.
BUT to answer your question- Contrary to TV and the media Most People Do Not Have Friends!
I ask around- and find that most people do not have friends. Yes- the truth. If an adult DOES have a friend or friends- they are usually from college, or life long friends from childhood. The facts are that most adults are "single-tons". On the message boards, etc I hear things like "my friend just told me" or "I was just out with friends and.." I suspect these "friends" may be a relative in reality. Or non-existent altogether.
I think you must live in a very strange place. I don't think I know a single person in real life who has zero friends.
I don't have friends. I have work friends, but I spend zero time with them outside of work. I did have friends in college, but we went our separate ways. I mainly spend my non-work time with my family. Before my wife and I had kids, we had "couple friends" but we grew apart from ones that did have kids and the ones who didn't have/want kids pretty much fell off our radar. We tried reaching out to them after we had kids and got either ignored or received excuses. My wife has one friend that she had since first grade, but she only sees her a few times a year. Doesn't really bother me.
I have maybe 2 good friends from childhood and 2 who I made in my adulthood (I had more in college, but have only kept in touch through Facebook).
I think the problem for me is that the area I live in, I can't seem to find many people with my viewpoint and in my age group. I've tried Meetup.com, but no one seems to ever want to talk when I go to these things. I also live in an area where many people in my age group are moving away (one of my adulthood friends is moving away to law school in September).
I will say that if you have a hobby, joining Meetup.com is great because there is truly a common interest. I found the general groups that want to do everything, seemed to yield low results for me.
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"Friends" are over-rated!
