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Great advice! Alas, I have no real hobbies or interests, so that makes it hard to meet people that way. Couple that with some moderate social anxiety and I'm dealing with a real doozie here!
A lot of us feel like imposters in social settings, at first. It's the same feeling many of us have when beginning a new job... it's a bit frightening. The key to it is just like anything else... learning maths, language, cooking, cleaning a home, directions, etc... practice. We'll only overcome our stomach butterflies by forging ahead & doing it. Do it once, the 2nd time is less scary, the 3rd time is moderate, by the 5th, 6th, 7th time, one begins to find it enjoyable & soon looks forward to get-togethers. It's a case of nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Re: hobbies or interests... no worries, one doesn't need to be a woodworker, whittler or ballerina in order to meet others. If you like to walk/run/hike/drink coffee, instead of walking alone or going for coffee alone, find a similar group in your area & go just once/mo for starters... increase your activity with the group as you become more comfortable. Or, better yet, begin your own on Yahoo Groups... I've done it in the past (for women over 35 in Boston & before that in London) & it was very successful. The 1st meeting had 18, 6 dropped off (mainly due to driving distance into the city) & a regular 12-14 got together once/mo, some breaking off into smaller groups as they lived near each other or realized they had similar interests (1/2-dozen were working on PhD's & got together in small study groups). Although I've moved away, I'm glad I was part of helping some like minded people meet each other. It's easy to do & free & I felt more comfortable in planning the get-togethers, rather than searching online for one.
Instead of labeling yourself as having social anxiety & being a doozie, don't. Why do you need a label or diagnosis? You might be surprised that most feel the same way... again, the stomach butterflies. We only get passed that by pushing a bit. Once used to meeting with others, the easier it becomes. It's like work... the longer we do it, the more it becomes second nature.
If you don't wish to venture out, no worries... just admit you'd rather be alone. If you're meeting with people you don't really care for, it can't be that bad, otherwise, you'd steer clear of them. But, don't put up obstacles everyone else has, yet pushes passed. Do what makes you happy. If you don't venture out, it's because you don't really want to... otherwise there would be no excuses. That's okay, too. But, don't put yourself down if you don't want to. It's just a phase in life & when you want to venture out & have a deep desire to do so, you will. Saying one wants friends, yet taking no steps to do so means it's all talk & not meant. Just decide what you want & move forward a bit at a time.
And, you're not as strange as you might think. Most of us feel the same way & push passed it when we've had enough of what we're choosing to accept now. You deserve better so put in a little effort to find better. You don't deserve less. Good luck!
I am kind of late to this discussion but I'm also someone who doesn't have friends. I'm an only child and very introverted and reserved. Growing up I lived in a tiny town (less than 1k population) and went to a very small private school. I had only one or two friends up until 6th grade when I switched to public middle school. Through middle and high school I had maybe a half dozen friends or so, and 3 that were best friends. I went to college half way across the country and everyone scattered after graduation so I lost touch with them all. If it wasn't for Facebook I'd have no idea where they were or what they were doing. As a 20-something I made a handful of work friends, but that was our bond - work. Now that we don't work together any longer we are just Facebook friends as well. Now I am in my early-mid 30's, a single mom and just don't enjoy going out like I did in my 20's. Plus I relocated to a new state a year and a half ago. It's proven impossible to make mommy friends. I live near one of the wealthiest parts of the city so the parks and activities are full of inclusive parents who have no time for a newbie. I've taken my son (who is 2.5 now) to Gymboree and Little Gym but the moms there were straight up rude. We did Gymboree before moving and it was fun, the parents were nice and welcoming, but not the case here. It's lonely not having close friends and having people who were close friends now be acquaintances. But really, part of my personality is my introversion and it's really hard to maintain relationships when you'd rather spend the time alone. It's nice to know that I'm not alone in my lack of close friendships at this age.
I have a question for all of you who say you have "no" friends or very few, although you wish you had more.
What are you DOING about it?
People don't knock on your door and say, "Would you be my friend?" You meet people by extending yourself. First and foremost, leave your house.
Take a class — it doesn't have to be something intellectual ... learn cooking, car repair, gardening, dancing, a sport. Join a club. Join a church. Do volunteer work related to a subject you care about. Get active in a political group or some other cause you care about. Do social things with a MeetUp group like going to movies, hiking, biking. Start going to a gym. Get a pet and interact with other pet owners. Learn about your ancestors and join a cultural group related to your ethnicity. If you were ever interested in any kind of art form ... painting, music, writing, pottery, carpentry, metalwork, sewing, crafts ... take some instructions then join a group of others who are interested in that. Your public library is a good source of activities in your neighborhood. Find your people - Meetup
If you're shy, volunteer work is the best. Surely there's some subject you're interested in or some place you are comfortable where you can interact with people in safe way. If you are helping people, it doesn't matter if you have poor social skills, they will appreciate your time and generosity. Be a Big Sister/Brother. Tutor kids or people learning English as a second language. Work with veterans, the elderly, the sick, the homeless. Libraries, museums, galleries, public gardens, hospitals, even police forces all rely on volunteer labor. If you have a nice voice, read on the radio station for the blind. Be a volunteer usher at a theater or a concert hall to get free tickets. Give your time to animals by working at a shelter walking the animals, bathing them, etc. VolunteerMatch - Where Volunteering Begins
If you really are freaked out about leaving your house to do any of these things, or not a single thing on this list interests you, then you probably suffer from anhedonia, which is a symptom of major depressive disorder and you should see a doctor. There are medications that can significantly effect your mood in a positive way. If you're paralyzed with shyness and it's interfering with a fulfilled life you need to see a therapist. Therapy doesn't have to be a major commitment; you can just seek advice in a couple of meetings. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...-and-anhedonia
Meemur gave good advice saying you should cultivate at least three friends who live in your area. I'd like to add another three to that and say get out of the house a minimum of THREE TIMES A WEEK and do something productive that requires you to interact with other people. Be friendly, be a good listener, give away your time and talents within reason. You WILL make friends.
Sorry, psychology-today is bull promoting a moral agenda... and "advice" most don't follow...
I don't have many friends because I was denied knowledge via conspiracy...
I feel better now when a lot of people said "I don't have friends"
I have friends but they are either married and have kids or we just fall out.
Then the ones I'm friends with, they haven't bonded with me like the old ones I have, it feels like something is lacking in our relationships. If I say we are close, well, we do hang out but a wall or boundary seems to emerge as if they don't want me to cross further. For example, hang-outs don't include "sleepover" or we are friends but not buddies, so I have this expectation to not call her at late hours and I expect her to do the same. Yet, if I say we are not close, it is not so, they know the make-up of my family, some complaints about family members (like griping about sibling rivalry), some personal issues, work related issues, and typical day to day issues. I guess the worst part of being friends with these people is that they don't want to bond more at this age (I'm in my early 30s). It's not that I can't stay by myself. In fact, I don't mind being alone and I quite enjoy it sometimes. Perhaps I'm just frustrated that these friends of mine don't want to expand their social networks while I am open to the idea of it, and I have been too naïve to hope for it (because I have seen that people who make friends at older ages like in their 30s or 40s do become great friends when all of their social networks have been formally established).
The answer is to seek out & chose people, to whom you can better relate, no matter one's age. Basically, don't settle with those who are around you now, but branch out to increase your chances of meeting those who are more like minded. There are people who are compatible to you... there are hundreds of millions in the US, so don't settle for the handful you now know... obviously, you're clearly being shown they're not the ones, so move forward.
Additionally, take care of yourself. No need to entertain those who do not uplift you in some way. If your acquaintances get together & you don't enjoy their company & attitudes, then you're doing yourself a disservice by being present. I think most of us have been there. When I've seemed to only know such people, I've opted to be alone rather than subject myself to unpleasantness, mainly as those encounters, in which I was bombarded by dowagers' complaints, left me feeling bad & normally gave me a headache. If I've got to come home from a 'friend' get-together & take a handful of aspirin & have a little lie down, well then, I need better friends.
Years ago, a friend of mine in her 20s complained that all she attracted were alcoholic men. When asked where she met them, she said 'the club, the bar, the beer festival'. Another friend plainly said, 'Well, what else do you expect to find at the club, the bar, the beef festival?' At the moment, it came across as cold & unsympathetic, but throughout the night I kept thinking about it & he wasn't being cold, he was being factual. What indeed does one expect to find at ABC but ABCs? It's like complaining that all your friends talk about is golf when you met them on a golf course.
I'm not chastising, just saying that the best way to meet like minded folk is to do something you love... like joining a club/group focusing on an activity/hobby/interest (film club, running group, volunteer with animals, cooking/language class, gym membership), because you're sure to run into people of like mind. If you find they're far older or younger, but you make it known that you're looking for friends, ask... someone will surely know of others. Basically, anything which increases your pool of acquaintances will sooner bring you to making other friends.
And, I've seen it many times. As you change, feel better about yourself, are happy & no longer wish to get together with the old group of complainers/selfish/materialistic mates, they'll begin to drop off as you attract others of like mind. You can still remain on good terms, but you'll have less time to spend with them as you're off with your new group. Don't settle for 2nd best, because honestly, those people you don't like spending time with probably feel the same way about you, as you're not like them. Just branch out a bit. Good luck & have fun!
I agree with you on choosing the people you can relate to and branching out to make new friends.
The problem with me is that a lot of the activities that promote opportunities to make new friends happen to utilize small talks heavily during the course of meet-and-greet. I don't like small talks for the reasons that it's "boring" and "useless" though I know that's how people "know" me and I "know" them. I know that I need to persevere if my goal is to make new friends, but when you do this for a long time and you don't find a lot of people whom you can relate to and vice versa, the chances are the number of new friends won't increase and your boredom with small talks increases so much that you may want to give up of finding friends through the process of joining a club/class.
Quote:
Originally Posted by -BeautifulDisaster-
Great advice! Alas, I have no real hobbies or interests, so that makes it hard to meet people that way. Couple that with some moderate social anxiety and I'm dealing with a real doozie here!
Wow, I can commiserate with you
but I find that practicing social skills with people who understand me helps ease off the anxiety
Quote:
Originally Posted by 43north87west
Actually, 20s and 30s are difficult to keep friends. Lives change dramatically in the 20s and 30s. Between getting married, career changes, kids, moves, and all other reasons why people go different directions, it can be tough to hang on to friends, and more difficult to make new ones. There are more barriers to entry in the friend market during that time.
The problem with me is that a lot of the activities that promote opportunities to make new friends happen to utilize small talks heavily during the course of meet-and-greet. I don't like small talks for the reasons that it's "boring" and "useless" though I know that's how people "know" me and I "know" them. I know that I need to persevere if my goal is to make new friends, but when you do this for a long time and you don't find a lot of people whom you can relate to and vice versa, the chances are the number of new friends won't increase and your boredom with small talks increases so much that you may want to give up of finding friends through the process of joining a club/class.
Well, it seems you've already decided to remain friendless. If the process of meeting people is 'boring & useless' to you, then don't bother. You're making a lot of excuses. Of course meeting people begins with a bit of small chat, otherwise, the person has no boundary issues & is telling you their life's story, which would make most run for the hills. Learning about others is a process. One doesn't need to talk about the weather or traffic for 30-min. Most would be bored by that. One gets better at anything with practice.
It doesn't sound as if you want to change your situation, but that you want people to agree with why it is the way it is. With any kind of change, a bit of effort is required, which means moving out of one's comfort zone & doing something different. Seems as if you're bored with yourself & projecting that onto others, making them responsible for your friendless situation. Doing more of the same will bring the same & if that works for you, great, continue. It's a bit unfair to say you'd like it to be different when you feel it's useless to attempt to move forward.
When you want to change your situation, you'll allow yourself the motivation to do it. If we all waited for motivation to appear out of the blue, no one would do anything. It doesn't come on its own. And, if you can't muster up the courage to do it on your own, maybe explore other venues... therapy, self-help books, anything which gives you motivation & makes you feel good. Good luck.
If you have a partner it doesn't really matter anyway.
Baloney. What if you and your partner break up? Yes it could happen.
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Thank you! You sum up my difficulty!
