friendship with married woman (guilty, attractive, couples, issues)
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I don't have friends to meet needs my SO doesn't. Our friendships are about us as friends, not replacing or substituting anything to do with my SO. IMO, it's not a true friendship if she is turning to him to fulfill needs her husband isn't.
I disagree.
My husband has friends he goes skiing/snowboarding with, I'm not into that AT ALL; so yes his friends are fulfilling that need he has, that I can't/won't/don't.
Just like I have friends that I do specific things with that he doesn't care for.
One of best guys friends and I go to country concerts together, hubby doesn't care for new country music and neither does his wife.
My husband has friends he goes skiing/snowboarding with, I'm not into that AT ALL; so yes his friends are fulfilling that need he has, that I can't/won't/don't.
Just like I have friends that I do specific things with that he doesn't care for.
One of best guys friends and I go to country concerts together, hubby doesn't care for new country music and neither does his wife.
That's not the point I was making about needs. Country music and snowboarding aren't needs like someone to confide in and spend time with after the work day is done. Going with a friend to a shared hobby or interest makes sense. Using an opposite sex friend as a substitute for what you don't get from your spouse is dangerous territory.
Sorecently I have been hanging out with a married woman. She is just a cool person and we have done things such as get coffee. my mother however, is very concerned about our a platonic relationship. She says that I have to be careful because she's married and that it could potentially lead to problems later on.she says that the friendship is just a gateway into and aN affair later on.
for further color, our relationship really has been 100 percent platonic thus far. At first I also was uneasy about hanging out with a married woman alone, but when we talk about stuff she mentions other people that she knows and criticizes those who have affairs. This led me to believe that nothing could ever potentially happen between us and gave me a sense of security that this would never happen.
she and I are both young, in our mid twenties.is our relationship fine and the appropriate or are we just being Naive?
Such relationships seldom end well. If it is just a work acquaintence, that would be one thing, but spending a lot of casual time together will usually lead to a temptation. And temptation can be ignored or delt with most of the time, but occasionally overcome resistance.
I'm kind of of the belief that while it can happen that men and women in relationships can be platonic friends, a lot of things have to line up right. And I'm not going to list all of those things. And there still have to be boundaries, because if they are ever crossed, that's it.
I also think guys and girls have different agendas in things like this.
I don't have friends to meet needs my SO doesn't. Our friendships are about us as friends, not replacing or substituting anything to do with my SO. IMO, it's not a true friendship if she is turning to him to fulfill needs her husband isn't.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Liberty2011
That's not the point I was making about needs. Country music and snowboarding aren't needs like someone to confide in and spend time with after the work day is done. Going with a friend to a shared hobby or interest makes sense. Using an opposite sex friend as a substitute for what you don't get from your spouse is dangerous territory.
I think everyone substitutes/bridges gaps with their social relationships more than they know or admit. I would agree that using anyone (regardless of gender) in one relationship (regardless of type) as a substitute for what you don't get in another can be dangerous territory in the sense that it has the potential to cause a rift in one or both of those relationships.
But I don't agree that it's not a true friendship if she's turning to him to fulfill needs her husband isn't. If you mean that if you're just using the person to fill a void your spouse isn't, you're not really friends, I could take any friendship and extract ways that one is using the other in that manner. In some aspects, that's the deeper drive and purpose of relationships, people seeking out completion.
Even if you say you're just friends with people because you like them, you choose to spend time with them because it increases your enjoyment. You derive pleasure from it. At the end of the day, we're all just using each other to be happy and fulfill our inner needs, yada yada yada. I just don't think this substitution is necessarily a bad thing.
When someone's husband is in the military so she almost never sees him, she may satisfy that need for affection, attention, and quality time by hanging out with her best female friend more or smothering her child more or throwing herself at her siblings more. People get what they need where they can get it.
If you wouldn't object to it in any of these other circumstances even though they also have the potential to cause a negative shift in the relationship dynamic, then it shouldn't matter if the person happens to be an opposite sex friend just because people assume the potential for a sexual relationship is there. That's not an issue with the nature of the friendship, it's an issue with the weakness of the marriage.
I work in a Hospital that happens to have one male for twenty females... this is from the CEO all the way down.
The male workers are often excluded from after work get togethers because of the husbands of the females... especially if the male happens to be single... some have said they can't go if it will be mixed company.
A few years ago, the hospital department heads were invited to a work retreat in Carmel... the one male department head was asked not to go because the accommodation were two to a room.
My parents had/have friends of the opposite sex so I never could see what the big deal was.
Mom was a very accomplished marathon runner and had male training partners... younger and older.
Dad was very active in a Folk Dance group and his Dance partner of 15 years was just that.
If having a friend of the opposite sex creates a relationship problem... the relationship already has problems...
If when you get together is with the spouse's knowledge and approval it is proper. If done behind their back without their knowledge and approval, it is Emotional Infidelity. In many states, it has always been grounds for divorce.
I have all my life had female friends, more so than male I think. The way I see it , women are not competitive when in the company of a man, but you put two guys together and there is always that who has the most toys , the biggest toys , on and on. I guess it runs in the family my mother uses to say she preferred conversations with men over women.
The other thing is sole mates , Its always been ,for me anyway , a women that I can share so much in common. You just know it , both of you the moment you meet. Looking back , they were always married and so was I , and we also had a good relationship with each others spouses. Our spouses would get tired of listening to the two of us talking about stuff that sounded boring to them. Yes , maybe in a former life there could have been a relationship behond just talking or maybe we both has married the wrong person, it was just meant to be I guess. I recall no problems with both couples ever, and eventually time took its toll and everyone moved away, exited the hobby we all were in , and sadly some have died.
The other side of this coin , I recall my own wife saying one of our couple Guy friends was her soal mate . I could see it was so , but , I did wonder sometimes if they did have a limited affair , but I never had any proof. The only reason was the Guy had quite a rep. for being wild, married 3 times etc. Threw it all though , when my wife had cancer , he was the first one to console her, to call everyday , he really cared I could see.
Now , in the electronic age where many of us are active in Social Websites , 75 percent of my "friends" are women and I can see that carries over to the woman too from looking at her profile.I see this as being a lot more common, the internet seems to be an equal opportunity place for the lack of a better word. What can I say , I just like women always will !
So when I complain to my best girlfriend that I miss hubby (when he's gone for work), that's an invitation that I want to become lesbian with her?!
I don't think so bud.
Nice straw man!
Actually, if a wife told a friend how much she longs for her absent husband that would be a cold shower to the guy. If the wife simple says, my H is gone all the time it could be taken the other way around. Meaning I am available.
I understand you have friends from the opposite sex for whom you feel zero attraction. I get that, however sometimes friend from the opposite sex feel some attraction.
Sorecently I have been hanging out with a married woman. She is just a cool person and we have done things such as get coffee. my mother however, is very concerned about our a platonic relationship. She says that I have to be careful because she's married and that it could potentially lead to problems later on.she says that the friendship is just a gateway into and aN affair later on.
for further color, our relationship really has been 100 percent platonic thus far. At first I also was uneasy about hanging out with a married woman alone, but when we talk about stuff she mentions other people that she knows and criticizes those who have affairs. This led me to believe that nothing could ever potentially happen between us and gave me a sense of security that this would never happen.
she and I are both young, in our mid twenties.is our relationship fine and the appropriate or are we just being Naive?
If you are not physically attracted to her, that should help it to stay platonic. You did not say in your post. We know from your other comments that you are attracted to her personality ('a cool person").
I would say if you are spending more than a few hours a week with her and have some physical attraction, it has the potential to go to affair. We can only take educated guesses as no one here has been a "fly on the wall" observing you and her converse for even a second.
Do you currently have a girlfriend of your own or someone you might be interested in at the moment. That would help the relationship with her stay platonic.
I think you have to change your thinking "it is platonic thus far" to "it will always be platonic, period".
That is just my two cents. Good luck!
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