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Yep, and once she cheats and he catches her that's exactly what she will be telling him. She's already convinced herself she's justified in getting her needs met somewhere outside her marriage.
She is.
Our partner does not have to meet every single need we have in life. If that is your impression of relationships then I can only express sympathy to anyone who shares one with you.
Some of us live rich and fulfilling lives and the person or people we are in a relationship is not the sole focus of meeting that. There are people outside my relationship who meet needs I have in life that my partners do not. There are hobbies - ways of spending time - and ways of engaging with life - that are seperate from my relationship.
The problem occours when needs the _define the relationship_ are being met outside that relationship. The common and most obvious example of course is sex. Many people define their relationship by sexual exclusivity - so if some member of that relationship is seeking sex elsewhere you have a problem.
But social and other activities? Such needs are not the sole purview of the people we are in a relationship with. We SHARE our lives with our partner(s) not dedicate them entirely to them. We are allowed - and in my experience most of us do - have lives (and friends) outside our relationship.
Social exclusivity is not a defining attribute of relationships and if he is too burned out to be socially engaging at some times - then I see no harm in her tailoring her own social life to meet that reality.
Quote:
Originally Posted by metamorphosis
Because YOU see no disrespect doesn't give reason to ask me if I read a different OP. Your opinion is your opinion and I don't agree with it.
It is not clear that you see any there either - you merely asserted it was there. All I see in the OP is that we have a married woman who has friends outside the relationship. That is no crime - nor is it a disrespect.
If you see some crime-disrespect in having extra-marital friendships then by all means tell me what they are rather than just assuming everyone just knows.
I believe that men and women can be friends without there being sexual attraction. If married, the spouse should be involved in some ways and made to feel comfortable with the relationship. However, one thing I have never said about any of my male friends is "we have been platonic thus far".
Adding those two simple words (thus far) is very telling. Tread carefully.
Sorecently I have been hanging out with a married woman. She is just a cool person and we have done things such as get coffee. my mother however, is very concerned about our a platonic relationship. She says that I have to be careful because she's married and that it could potentially lead to problems later on.she says that the friendship is just a gateway into and aN affair later on.
for further color, our relationship really has been 100 percent platonic thus far. At first I also was uneasy about hanging out with a married woman alone, but when we talk about stuff she mentions other people that she knows and criticizes those who have affairs. This led me to believe that nothing could ever potentially happen between us and gave me a sense of security that this would never happen.
she and I are both young, in our mid twenties.is our relationship fine and the appropriate or are we just being Naive?
See? Posts like these are WHY males and females can't be friends. Yet again, a MOTHER has taught her child that males and females can not be friends, because opposite sex friendships always end in sex.
Here's the deal, OP...can YOU handle the friendship? She's already told you how she feels about people who have affairs and it sounds like she's made it clear that you are friends. Believe it or not, SOME women do have male friends and have zero interest in them, sexually.
Tread lightly, OP. Speaking from personal experience...nothing quite taints a friendship like finding out that the person you've been having coffee with, has been viewing your friendship as a budding romance. Here's the issue....a women can have male friends, but their husband is their BEST friend and the only one they're romantically involved in.
Men and women could both benefit greatly, from having opposite sex friends. Tap into your friends personal, female knowledge. She just might be able to find the perfect mate for you!
Men and women could both benefit greatly, from having opposite sex friends. Tap into your friends personal, female knowledge. She just might be able to find the perfect mate for you!
However, this woman complains about the fact that her husband is always gone, not available, and works too hard. Do you want me to translate that to plain English? It means: "I am available to you".
That she put down affairs is just medicine to deal with her inner thoughts that want the friend very badly.
This friendship is sexual in nature, otherwise the OP would not be posting.
I have male friends and I have always been able to hang out with them without my husband feeling as if he needs to keep an eye on me. I have never once felt like any of these relationships were anything more than platonic and I never felt like any of them were a "slippery slope." I could tell him I am going to have lunch with any of them tomorrow and he'd be fine with it.
I do not see my husband all of the time because we work opposite shifts. But spending time together, even if it's just sitting around, is way more important to me than hanging out with a friend at the coffee shop.
The OP's questions remind me a situation my hubby had at work. He had a co-worker who always seemed to be oversharing her home issues with him. He would go out to lunch about once a week with one friend or another at work, most or all of whom I knew. One day he told me on the phone that "the oversharer" (whom I had never met) had invited him to lunch at a restaurant that they would have to take the light rail to, and what do you know it was across the street from my work. I felt uncomfortable a little since he had NEVER taken the train to lunch, and this lady had even called him at our home to vent about work stuff before. I could tell she had no clear idea about boundaries. I said "Great it's right across the street, so I'll meet you there!" A lunch, this lady looked so uncomfortable to suddenly be sitting with a couple instead of the guy she had been using as her crying towel. He had no more issues with her after that. Sometimes you have to draw a bright white line that says..."HERE is the boundary".
And kids can cross the street without looking for incoming cars. This is also possible, but not advisable. You are preaching by the exception to the rule.
Apparently not the exception, since MANY people here share similar stories.
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Originally Posted by tottsieanna
The difference is your husband knows your freinds and there are no secrets. If the other spouse does not know and most likely would not like it and it gets more personal that is when it can be risky.
Yes, because WE as a couple made it a priority on OUR marriage that trust is important. Now do we share everything? No, he doesn't need to know how many times I peed while at work, or how I watched someone in a car pick their nose (unless it's funny, then we share, lol!)
The OP should ensure that his friendship remains a friendship by inviting the husband with them one day. Then he will be able to see what her true intentions are.
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Originally Posted by Ultrarunner
My parents had/have friends of the opposite sex so I never could see what the big deal was.
Mom was a very accomplished marathon runner and had male training partners... younger and older.
Dad was very active in a Folk Dance group and his Dance partner of 15 years was just that.
If having a friend of the opposite sex creates a relationship problem... the relationship already has problems...
I've never understood that whole, "when we get together, you have to distance yourself from all your friends of the opposite gender" crap.
A person in a real true relationship always wants the other person to be happy and loved; how can you do that by taking away their friends?
Quote:
Originally Posted by beachmel
Men and women could both benefit greatly, from having opposite sex friends. Tap into your friends personal, female knowledge. She just might be able to find the perfect mate for you!
Ooh! Great idea! Most people you are friends with have other friends that are similar to you, so if the OP likes his new friend, she might have single friends that are similar to her, that he could date!
Great idea!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Julian658
However, this woman complains about the fact that her husband is always gone, not available, and works too hard. Do you want me to translate that to plain English? It means: "I am available to you".
So when I complain to my best girlfriend that I miss hubby (when he's gone for work), that's an invitation that I want to become lesbian with her?!
I believe that men and women can be friends without there being sexual attraction. If married, the spouse should be involved in some ways and made to feel comfortable with the relationship. However, one thing I have never said about any of my male friends is "we have been platonic thus far".
Adding those two simple words (thus far) is very telling. Tread carefully.
Is there anything "wrong" with it? Not necessarily. However, most affairs do start with a "friendship" or other platonic way of meeting (through work, through church) that later turns inappropriate when feelings form. So I would be cautious about getting into a situation where you guys grow closer and closer and you start to replace some of the roles normally fulfilled by a husband in marriage (confidant, support person, cheerleader, etc.) Having a casual opposite sex friend usually isn't an issue. Sometimes when a close friend begins to take on some of the roles of a partner, when distance develops in the marriage for whatever reason (work schedule, busy, deployment), when the friend starts to feel closer than the spouse... that's when trouble usually starts and inappropriate feelings begin to form.
Is there a reason the two of you are hanging out together exclusively, rather than her husband being there with you guys?
Really good points!!
I don't have friends to meet needs my SO doesn't. Our friendships are about us as friends, not replacing or substituting anything to do with my SO. IMO, it's not a true friendship if she is turning to him to fulfill needs her husband isn't.
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