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Is there anything "wrong" with it? Not necessarily. However, most affairs do start with a "friendship" or other platonic way of meeting (through work, through church) that later turns inappropriate when feelings form. So I would be cautious about getting into a situation where you guys grow closer and closer and you start to replace some of the roles normally fulfilled by a husband in marriage (confidant, support person, cheerleader, etc.) Having a casual opposite sex friend usually isn't an issue. Sometimes when a close friend begins to take on some of the roles of a partner, when distance develops in the marriage for whatever reason (work schedule, busy, deployment), when the friend starts to feel closer than the spouse... that's when trouble usually starts and inappropriate feelings begin to form.
Is there a reason the two of you are hanging out together exclusively, rather than her husband being there with you guys?
She doesn't put things off with her husband to hang out with me, but the situation is that the husband works a lot. She has told me that he is never around and when he comes home from work he is burned out to do anything.
HUGE RED FLAG.
That she is confiding about problems in her marriage with you (a single guy) is a sign this has already gotten more personal than it should've. I would take a huge step back.
I have a lot of guy friends and currently work in a male-dominated industry. But I always make sure to meet my male friend's wives and establish friendships with them too. Why wouldn't I? It's very rare that I don't like both members of a couple - if a person is married to a friend of mine, I am going to do my damnedest to see the value in and appreciate my friend's chosen partner.
You just use your common sense. Boundaries vary from friendship to friendship as far as I'm concerned. However, when you get to the point that the person is saying things to you that they wouldn't say to their spouse, then stuff is going off the rails. My one friend is sometimes very flirtatious, but he's very flirtatious whether his wife is there or not, and everyone knows it's meant as a joke. If his wife was offended for even a second I would put a stop to it; my relationship with her is just as close.
I think it's basically about accepting that a married friend (whatever their gender) is part of a couple and you have to treat them as a unit to a certain extent. Meaning, you need to respect the fact that there's a relationship and AS A GOOD FRIEND you must do nothing to undermine it. You have to respect the fact that their committed relationship (again, whatever their gender) takes precedence over your friendship. That's not to say they shouldn't cancel a date night if you are injured in a car accident and need their assistance or something equally ridiculously dramatic, but your friend's relationship is a part of who they are and a facet of their life that you should be invested in protecting as part of their overall welfare. I care about my friends - ergo I want them to have successful relationships with their chosen partners. And as point of personal integrity, I do not find cheating an option. If you take a friend's welfare seriously and value your personal integrity, friendships between men and women are no big deal.
I don't know your mom, but sometimes moms can be ... weird about this kind of thing. The best was when I was dating my gay best friend's brother. Their mother never knew which brother I was showing up to hang out with when I knocked on her door. After my buddy and I headed out for one of our steak and beer outings, she lectured him on going out with his brother's girlfriend. He asked "Mom, what part of "gay" do you not understand?"
Jrz, You just said a mouthful. I love that you say you are invested in THEIR relationship. That's what I'm talking about! If you care for your friend, you would NEVER do something that undermines their primary relationship. To do otherwise is the height of selfishness. It's hard sometimes, as a single person, to understand the concept of two people as a unit that needs to be supported, but that's what friends and family should always strive for. Thank you for that!
This exact situation happened to a friend of my husband. they were just friends....until they weren't. The lady left her husband and picked up with the friend of ours.
Originally Posted by cancerous View Post
She doesn't put things off with her husband to hang out with me, but the situation is that the husband works a lot. She has told me that he is never around and when he comes home from work he is burned out to do anything.
This is universal and conveys all that needs to be said to start an affair. It says to the guy: "I am available". And it also provides the justification and the rationalization to commit adultery. For this woman this is a nice game to combat boredom but when the husband finds out the poor love bird single guy will be dropped like a hot potato. And it will hurt badly!
This exact situation happened to a friend of my husband. they were just friends....until they weren't. The lady left her husband and picked up with the friend of ours.
This exact situation happened to a friend of my husband. they were just friends....until they weren't. The lady left her husband and picked up with the friend of ours.
It's a slippery slope.
Yeah, I agree. I watched the same thing happen with several friends during my 20's. They had an opposite sex "friend" who was in a LDR and they got closer and closer until one night they "accidentally" slept together and the affair started. Or they were in those first years of being married where it's still an adjustment and they used that opposite sex friend as their confidant and person to run to whenever there was an issue. Husband works too much? Run to guy friend! Disagreement over money? Vent to guy friend!
It's not hard to see how those things start and most people who have been successfully married for any length of time have learned to set appropriate boundaries and not to allow anyone to get closer to them than their spouse.
Wrong. My best friend, the only friend I can say I really do love, is a male. He is the best friend of my husband, too. Never had any romantic feelings towards him, even though he is a true macho and very intellectual, that is very significant part of men's charm for me.
Men and women can never be friends, the sex part always gets in the way. From the movie, When Harry Met Sally.
More on the part of men. I've found this to be true. Be careful.
I disagree, I have quite a few male friends and my husband has no problem with me hanging out with them, with or without hubby being there.
When I was in the Marine Corps, my MOS was mostly male dominated, so I learned very quickly to cultivate platonic relationships with men, w/o physical attraction getting in the way.
It's very possible.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Georgianbelle
Not everyone is unable to control themselves. I have guy friends, and I hang out with them. Their wives and gfs know and sometimes we all hang out. My guy knows, and he doesn't care. Secrets are wrong, but men and women can be friends.
Exactly!
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