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My daughter is 19 and just told me she's pregnant. I've gotten her birth control for the past two years. I've paid for it, ordered it and handed it to her.
I do not support the decision to have this baby. The boys parents are happy for them. I like the kid but neither of them are through with their schooling. I still have two kids other than her to raise. My husband and I do not want to raise another. What to do?
There is nothing you can do. It is her choice; not yours. You can't make the decision for her. All you can do is let her make her decision and let her know she is the one who will be raising the child and then support her decision.
Jerseyt,
I've been reading this thread and thinking about your post and the comments.
I think, really, it seems to me that you are framing things in your mind as if your daughter and her boyfriend are "kids." You even called them such. However, the reality is that they are really not kids. That is a figment (so to speak) of your mother mind. I think this is someway that you think of them because they are young and inexperienced. However, it is important to realize that really, what you are dealing with, is two adults, not kids. They are young adults, but they are adults.
When you are dealing with adults, you have to treat as such. They are not children and I think the whole reason you are torn about whether to go to doctor visits, etc. is because:
1) you are thinking that your daughter and her boyfriend are kids (and therefore need you since "kids" need their parents); and
2) you are struggling to try to do things differently than the way that you perceived your mother doing things with you.
Regarding number 2, let it go. You are so conscientous of what happened with you that I am positive that you are already a great mother. Stop living and re-living your past.
Regarding number 1, say "they are adults" over and over until you start to really understand that that is the case. Treat her like she is an adult. She can stay in your home while pregnant only if any other adult would be able to stay. Otherwise, she has to go. You have to let her grow up. Yes, you are her mother but SHE is about to become a mother and needs to be able to have the confidence (and SPACE) to be a mother without you smothering her with your wishes, thoughts, etc. Therefore, no, you do not need to be at the doctor visits. She is in college, she is obviously a smart young adult. She does not need you there. She is not 12 and you are not there to lick her wounds and ask all the questions for her. She needs you to let her grow up. And if she is afraid of growing up then you really need to let her grow up bc she is about to be a mother and need to become smart and in control of all aspects of her life. So, no, do not go to the doctor's visits and, as others have pointed out, her boyfriend may want to go. He doesn't want you there crowding them as they experience their (not your) child's heartbeat, etc. for the first time. Think of it this way. No one else's mother comes along. This is a time for the couple. Just bc your daughter and her boyfriend are young does not mean that you should give them any less respect.
Give them respect that adults deserve and treat them as adults...and expect adult behavior and responsibility. They are not kids....really, I promise you they are not. But you have to let your daughter rise to her full potential and stop hovering over her every step to play momma bear.
ETA: Let me give you an example. I would not sit them down advising them of budgets, etc. That is what you do with a 12 year old. That is treating her and her boyfriend like children. I would schedule a meeting with the two of them at a joint time that is suitable for all four (include your husband). I would say that you realize that they have decided to start a family (yes, I would say that bc they have made that decision through their actions - remember, adults are responsible for their actions). I would say that even though I do not agree with the timing, I wish them very good luck and many blessings. I would say that I know that they are smart, responsible and resourceful young adults (not "kids" - remember, stop treating them like they are children and give them respect) and that you would like to understand what plans they have made for living arrangements, taking care of the baby timewise and financially and continuation of education and work pursutis before and after the baby arrives. I would not say it as if I am putting them on the hot seat, I would say it as if I am conducting a business meeting and asking for team members to report to me what they have planned for xyz event. If they look at each other stunned as if they haven't planned a d*mned thing, I would wait in silence (just like at work) and then (very professionally) say, ok, so you haven't had a chance to work out all the details. Ok, that's fine. Why don't you guys talk further and we all circle back in a week. We are really interested in hearing about your new family plans. AND LEAVE IT AT THAT.
That does a few things - let's them know you are expecting them to solve their own problems, let's them solve their own problems (a skill you want to cultivate) and gives them a chance to work together as a team without you.
If they come back with a plan that involves you that you are not willing to accept, then simply (in a business tone) let them know that is not going to work with the parameters in which you are dealing and you need them to come up with a solution that does not tax you timewise or financially. Be very professional and ask them if they would please get back to you in another week.
I just looked at your original post again: you refer to her as a "teen," you call him a "boy" and then a "kid." Come on, these are adults.... You are going to have to change your mindset and let your daughter and her boyfriend grow up.
This post should be retyped and framed, it's so good. Reps for you.
The daughter lives at home and shares a room with her younger sister.
My mom had me when she was 19. Her and my father's marriage lasted about 4 months.
I went to my grandma's house every day after school and spent all summer with her and/or my aunt until I was 11 or so. The odds that the OP is not going to get left literally holding the baby while her daughter either works, goes to school, or both, are very slim.
I realize not everyone's situation is the same as mine. But I know for a fact my mother heavily resented the life she thinks she missed out on. That s not something to dismiss nor take lightly, as a very real and probable side effect of having a very young single person as your parent.
I think that your story is typical of what happens under the BEST of circumstances. It's a pretty typical situation and the child is shuttled from one relative to another.
At least she had her grandmother and aunt. She also had a resentful child for a mom.
Excellent post from a POV we don't hear much from - the adult child of an unplanned pregnancy involving a teenage parent.
Thanks for sharing this and for taking the glamor out of teen parenting. I'm sorry that you had to go through this.
Honestly, parenting never ends. I'm 27 and feel like I need my parents more now than when I was a kid. Not for money or anything, but for general advice, emotional support, and to still feel connected to family.
Exactly. The OP is free to be there where she wishes -- it's her family. If she's invited along and wants to go along with them or the daughter, it's her invitation to accept or decline.
There will be PLENTY of opportunities down the road to encourage independence such as when the couple might try to over-do grandparent babysitting. It's great if a grandparent can offer respite now and then. It's great if a mother can help her daughter finish school, keep a job and all that.
What I see that I don't agree with are young teen parents out partying, going to the clubs and expecting free family babysitting services for entire nights. It's quite another thing to give a busy couple a break now and then or to finish college and hold down a job.
Anything you'd do for an older couple, you can do for a younger one. As far as referring to young adults as kids, there is nothing at all wrong with that -- but it is why the OP's decision to have them in their own apartment is the best one overall. The best thing is if this young couple remains bonded and committed in their relationship and living with either parent doesn't always accomplish that as well because the parent-child relationship. Imagine a normal argument between the couple -- it's hard for parents to stay neutral.
It's not a matter of cutting off all advice or support to a 19 year old. If you would help a 19 year old then why wouldn't you help one when one needs it the most. And sometimes it's when you really want to strangle them is when they need your support the most.
I'ts all part of being a parent. Your kids are not all going to do everything exactly as you wanted. That's the other side of independence. They have their own way, they'll make their own decisions, their own mistakes. They make their own futures.
It always reminds me of that poet Kahlil Gibran on Children:
Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you, And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts, For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls, For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you. For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness; For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.
It is a fine line between being there for them and coddling. I'm trying hard to look for a happy medium.
You have all given me food for thought.
I think tha poster was trying to say that my going to the appointment with them wasn't the end of the world. Others are cautioning me to really be careful of how much I treat them as kids rather than as parents.
I am positive that I will flip flop back and forth over the line.
I have been looking for and received a lot of great advice from many sides of this equation. I appreciate all of it. Even the ones that are telling me less than positive things.
It is a fine line between being there for them and coddling. I'm trying hard to look for a happy medium.
You have all given me food for thought.
I think tha poster was trying to say that my going to the appointment with them wasn't the end of the world. Others are cautioning me to really be careful of how much I treat them as kids rather than as parents.
Yah the key is to keep your eye on the goal. The goal is to refrain from hobbling THEIR growth by being too much of a crutch. You have some posters saying they need to be cut off as some kind of punishment for their actions. That is bologna if you ask me. If this baby is brought into the world, it needs parents. They have chosen to be those parents, so they need to be allowed to step up. The risk by being too involved is shielding them from the full understanding of what they are undertaking.
They actually have a respite period here. They have several months of pregnancy. Let them do the hard work. It is nothing to what they will experience when the baby comes. But if they decide, damn this is tough, they still have an out. They still have adoption.
Quote:
I am positive that I will flip flop back and forth over the line.
There was a post about a parent in your situation who did exactly that. That is actually the worst of all possible actions, in my opinion. The expectation that your daughter will have will be ever changing, causing her to never gain footing which is exactly what happened with that poster's daughter. Just as your toddler needed CONSISTENT no every time she asked for a cookie before dinner, you need to CONSISTENTLY indicate that SHE has decided to have this baby and be its mother. That SHE needs to do the work of getting all the growing up stuff done that is necessary between now and then. Otherwise you are simply continuing the expectation that the buck stops with MOM not with HER.
I am not talking about being mean. I am not taking about not answering questions that are asked of you. You can still be sympathetic to her feelings. I am talking about getting involved in the details of what their plans are, apartment hunting, insurance, doctor's visits.
Good luck. It is a sucky place to be. But you sound like you have a solid head on your shoulder.
New day new issue. Apparently my daughter's bfs parents are giving them a whole slew of different opinions on their decision to start their family. His dad is adamant that they live with them. Adamant!!! To the point he is pissed that we talked to them about what it takes to have a family of their own and he wants to come talk to us.
Oh boy.
I don't think that's necessary as these two are welcome to listen t the advice of both of the sets of us parents and then make the decisions on their own.
My daughter told me she does not want to live with them and told her bf. she also told him that he doesn't need to move in with her. She will go herself. I simply listened and did not offer any opinion on what his parents said either way. It's not my place. We have our feelings and they have theirs. My daughter wants to be a family and not a family within a family.
I feel bad for her bf. I know he has always done what they've wanted. When we asked him if he's ever considered military, he said he did but his dad said no. I don't understand that but respect his respect for his parents feelings.
Honestly I don't know what to feel about this latest news.
I know I don't need to feel anything about it. It's not my issue. Once again, I'm voicing it here because I won't voice anything to them. They need to make their own choices.
New day new issue. Apparently my daughter's bfs parents are giving them a whole slew of different opinions on their decision to start their family. His dad is adamant that they live with them. Adamant!!! To the point he is pissed that we talked to them about what it takes to have a family of their own and he wants to come talk to us.
Oh boy.
I don't think that's necessary as these two are welcome to listen t the advice of both of the sets of us parents and then make the decisions on their own.
My daughter told me she does not want to live with them and told her bf. she also told him that he doesn't need to move in with her. She will go herself. I simply listened and did not offer any opinion on what his parents said either way. It's not my place. We have our feelings and they have theirs. My daughter wants to be a family and not a family within a family.
I feel bad for her bf. I know he has always done what they've wanted. When we asked him if he's ever considered military, he said he did but his dad said no. I don't understand that but respect his respect for his parents feelings.
Honestly I don't know what to feel about this latest news.
I know I don't need to feel anything about it. It's not my issue. Once again, I'm voicing it here because I won't voice anything to them. They need to make their own choices.
This is REALLY tough. This is an issue that cause issues with marriages and relationships across the ages. When one of the members of the couple does not put themselves into the partnership first but yields control to their parents.
The one thing, if I were you, that I might do, is recommend to them couples counseling. It may be non-intuitive since most people think counseling is only good for couples in trouble. They likely don't view themselves as in trouble. But they are negotiating a LOT together now. How they negotiate these issues will determine all kinds of things for years to come. You are wise enough to recognize your role. It does not sound like his parents are. Outside advice might be really good for them.
Honestly I don't know what to feel about this latest news.
I know I don't need to feel anything about it. It's not my issue. Once again, I'm voicing it here because I won't voice anything to them. They need to make their own choices.
You need to voice to them the above, regardless of whose wishes they go up against. I bet they'll take your way over his parents'.
I know I don't need to feel anything about it. It's not my issue. Once again, I'm voicing it here because I won't voice anything to them. They need to make their own choices.
I think you should continue to talk to them (or at least your daughter) about moving out on their own. Moving in with his parents could end up hurting them in the long run, as it won't allow them the independence they need to care for the baby on their own. Your daughter doesn't need his parents right there with them, its going to cause problems in their relationship. If he really does listen to everything Mom and Dad says, then this might lead to his parents trying to control everything about the baby. At the very least every time the two have a disagreement, mom and dad will be right there to take their kid's side. They need their own space away from everyone else where they can control when the parents are visiting, and for how long. They need to be able to make this work on their own. If the boyfriend is insistent on living with his parents, then have your daughter get an apartment on her own. Have her tell the boyfriend that he is welcome to move out with her, but either way she is moving out and not living with anyone's parents. His dad might be adamant about her moving into his house, but they can't make her move in if she does not want to. I would really try to convince her that it is not a good idea.
Just because you want your daughter to be independent and figure this all out on her own doesn't mean you can't share your opinions on certain issues. You don't want the boyfriend's parents pressuring her into doing something she doesn't want to do. They might be try to tell her that it will be best for the baby, and they will help her on how to properly care for an infant. She's going to be a new mom at 20 years old, she's not going to know what to do, and hearing that something is best for her baby might sound convincing. Let her know that even thought she will be living on her own, you will still help her with the baby in any way you can. Suggest some baby books for her, get her to take some parenting classes... anything that will make her feel more confident about doing this on her own and not relying on the boyfriend's parents.
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