How to deal with a pregnant teen (adults, family, mom)
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I have no parents and my own grandmother passed 4 years ago. She is the one that raised me. My own mom was 19 when I was born.
Can you see why I panicked?
Anyone would panic. However, here's some food for thought. Imagine your life if your grandmother didn't raise you. Can you see how "I am not raising a grandchild" contradicts what your grandmother did for you? I'm not saying you need to right now. Your daughter and her boyfriend seem to think they can do this. I'm just saying that you might have to prepare yourself for the unforeseen possibility that you might have to raise your granddaughter. If that time comes, are you willing to do for your grandchild what your grandmother did for you?
Anyone would panic. However, here's some food for thought. Imagine your life if your grandmother didn't raise you. Can you see how "I am not raising a grandchild" contradicts what your grandmother did for you? I'm not saying you need to right now. Your daughter and her boyfriend seem to think they can do this. I'm just saying that you might have to prepare yourself for the unforeseen possibility that you might have to raise your granddaughter. If that time comes, are you willing to do for your grandchild what your grandmother did for you?
I am so hopeful that my daughter will not be abusive to her child. She wasn't raised that way. Although my grandparents were wonderful to me, they enabled my mother to be irresponsible. I will not enable my daughter to be that way with her child.
I think there is a very fine line between being supportive and being an enabler. I am determined not to cross it.
Just today, she did call me to get me to make her doctor appointment for her. I told her she needed to do it. Guess what? She did. She then asked me if I would go with them to the first one. If they want me there, I will be there.
I'm going to need a lot of advice on the right and wrong things to do to be supportive without crossing the line, so stay tuned for plenty of questions for opinions
Pregnant at 17, married the father, had two more children in short order, and fled after five abusive years.
Five years later, married a fine man who parented the boys, and we had two more.
My children are in no way doomed. They are all grown, married, parents, working, responsible, substantial citizens. In the early years, my working and struggling to keep us together made for some lean times, but we always had food and shelter. Not a lot of extras, but a lot of love.
When I married their new "Dad", (the first sperm donor was nowhere in sight), we had it a bit easier. Not a lot of luxury but plenty of all the necessities, including an emphasis on education and working for what you need.
I consider myself lucky that I beat the statistical odds relevant to the children of teen mothers. Guess I'm the exception that proves the rule.
Jersey, prepare yourself for the fact that this "surprise" is only the first. Your Big Girl Pants are going to get a lot of wear in the coming years. You'll get through this and all the other days to come. Keep your sense of humor handy.
I am so hopeful that my daughter will not be abusive to her child. She wasn't raised that way. Although my grandparents were wonderful to me, they enabled my mother to be irresponsible. I will not enable my daughter to be that way with her child.
I think there is a very fine line between being supportive and being an enabler. I am determined not to cross it.
Just today, she did call me to get me to make her doctor appointment for her. I told her she needed to do it. Guess what? She did. She then asked me if I would go with them to the first one. If they want me there, I will be there.
I'm going to need a lot of advice on the right and wrong things to do to be supportive without crossing the line, so stay tuned for plenty of questions for opinions
This is in response to both this post and the one about you not having any other close family members. I can really understand your panic about this even more, and I just want you to know that so far I think you are doing a terrific job of sorting through and separating emotions from logic and reasoning.
Congrats on passing the first of many tests (making her call the doctor instead of you doing it)! Every little thing like this is helpful and builds her self confidence in her own abilities - which is CRUCIAL for her to embrace as a young parent.
And you just go on to that doctor's appt with her and report back on hearing that little heartbeat! Please, please continue to keep us posted on things.
Be realistic and do not jump the gun. People who kick out their child and grand child do lots of harm, seriously by doing that you are not helping your daughter or her baby.
Your daughter and her boyfriend will learn soon that things will get pretty serious and that responsibility will have to be taken, but they will need support, most of all emotional support.
I just hope the baby does not become a future foster child with a tough life with no fault of its own. In my view the baby is the innocent one in this situation.
I just hope this child does not become a foster child living in different homes never knowing their parents and never being adopted by a permanent family.
Ok. Let me be a little more clear. She is finding the doctor and calling on apartments. They have asked if I would look with them and make sure they ask all pertinent questions, such as what's included and what they need to pay for. They will be arranging utilities and such as well as putting deposits down.
I am going to her first ultrasound as she has requested. I'm making her call docs and find out if they take our insurance. They will decide all important stuff. I'm there for moral and emotional support. She called yesterday to see if she is covered under my plan and she is. Thankfully.
No one said this will be easy and in fact I stressed that they will struggle and the baby is now the most important factor in the whole equation.
Let me also make it known that I will never let them starve. I will help them do a budget as they have asked us to do. I think right now they are being rational as far as what they need to think about.
I really wish someone would have helped me out with these practical matters.
To me you're doing everything fine --- and why wouldn't you go along with her for the first ultrasound? You'd very likely want to go with her if she were 30 years old having your first grandchild. You're right -- there is a line between enabling and all --- but whatever you'd have done for her or with her if she were 25 or 30, it's okay for you to do for her at the age she is.
This baby is just as entitled to your love and doting as any other baby would be.
This is in response to both this post and the one about you not having any other close family members. I can really understand your panic about this even more, and I just want you to know that so far I think you are doing a terrific job of sorting through and separating emotions from logic and reasoning.
Congrats on passing the first of many tests (making her call the doctor instead of you doing it)! Every little thing like this is helpful and builds her self confidence in her own abilities - which is CRUCIAL for her to embrace as a young parent.
And you just go on to that doctor's appt with her and report back on hearing that little heartbeat! Please, please continue to keep us posted on things.
Okay. I'm glad things worked out for your family.
But for goodness' sakes, there's a very real possibility that when the reality of the situation sinks in for the daughter, that she might well decide on another plan, or WANT to - and she doesn't need the pressure of the doting grandma act just yet, and no one needs to over do at this point.
Give the two people that are actually going to be the parents a bit of space. You don't want them to feel like they have no choice but to keep this path because if they don't they risk severely disappointing you. That could backfire in the long run.
Be supportive but keep a bit of distance. Let them figure it out completely. Give them the chance to really make up their own minds.
But for goodness' sakes, there's a very real possibility that when the reality of the situation sinks in for the daughter, that she might well decide on another plan, or WANT to - and she doesn't need the pressure of the doting grandma act just yet, and no one needs to over do at this point.
Give the two people that are actually going to be the parents a bit of space. You don't want them to feel like they have no choice but to keep this path because if they don't they risk severely disappointing you. That could backfire in the long run.
Be supportive but keep a bit of distance. Let them figure it out completely. Give them the chance to really make up their own minds.
It sounds like they've made up their minds. They're having the baby and moving in together. No point in the grandmother not showing her excitement about the impending birth.
She sounds like she's letting them have their space, but the daughter ASKED her to go with her to her ultrasound, which is a clear indicator to me that she wants the grandmother to be just as excited and "in love" with that baby as she is becoming.
My daughter is 19 and just told me she's pregnant. I've gotten her birth control for the past two years. I've paid for it, ordered it and handed it to her.
I do not support the decision to have this baby. The boys parents are happy for them. I like the kid but neither of them are through with their schooling. I still have two kids other than her to raise. My husband and I do not want to raise another. What to do?
Personally I doubt that will happen in our house, but my guess is that you thought the same thing.
I don't want to raise or help to raise our grand kids. I also do not believe that teenagers make very good parents.
Our plan if this ever did happen would be the morning after pill. We have discussed this with our 17 year old daughter (who has not really dated yet and has not had a boy friend) We have assured her that we will not be angry if this happens, as long as she doesn't hide it from us.
If she does want a termination, the earlier the better. It's a much less stressful experience.
We would also encourage adoption, which would help a childless couple and make a write out of a wrong. Our daughter has already told us which she would choose.
She does not particularly like babies and she has no desire to be a mother at a very young age and without being married.
We would not help a daughter who had not finished school (at least a BA) and was not married to have or keep an unplanned baby.
Never.
Forget what the boys parents want. They are being selfish and their "support" of this pregnancy shows that they do not care about your daughter, her education or her achievements. What about travel? Going to concerts and parties? Having fun?
Adoption or the other options.
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